Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
We have been married for 35 years. Yesterday must husband told me he was not happy and wanted a divorse. He told me there was someone else but he couldn't tell me he loved her. He said it was just recent. Said I don't respect him and that his opinions don't matter. He blindsided me because he never brought this up to me before yesterday. I didn't know I was doing this to him. I am getting so many mixed signals from him. At first he wouldn't come and talk to me. Said he was ashamed because he knew he hurt me and didn't want to face me. He finally came to talk to me and he started talking divorse plans telling me what all he was giving me and what he needed so he could walk away. He told me he has been unhappy for a long time and he wanted out. He told me he was not leaving me for someone else but told me he was moving in with her. I told him if he leaves and moves in with her then he is leaving me for someone else and he agreed to go and live elsewhere at the moment. I really want to belive he did this. He told me I was his best friend and he didn't want me to hate him and he was sorry for what he had did. I asked him to go to counsiling and he agreed to it. He also told me he wanted to seperate and I had to give him space. I don't know where he is living. He won't call me but he will respond to texts. I don't want to push him further away. What should I do to give him space? Do I cut all contact and just leave it up to him? I am very impatient and I will feel better once we get to counsiling. Any suggestions would be welcome. This is really my first and only breakup. We were high school sweethearts. Is there any hope that we can work things out?
we just hope that we will find our own happiness as we try to live normal and comfortable lives.
but to tellyou the truth...i too went through the begging stage and wanting my partner to come back...but if they feel like the grass is greener on the other side...what can we do? nothing...they have to discover that choice for themselves...even if it kills us....
do you have children with him? share assets? i guess all of those things will play a part if the divorce gets final...but until then...follow your head...becuae i know if your anyhting like me...your heart only wants to salvage the relationship....but we cannot control the other perspon...so dwelling on him will only hurt more. look for things that can occupoy your time and find what makes you happy. i know that is easier said than done...i too am struggling with that fact. there are alot of nice and well expereinced people on this site that have given great advice.
you are not alone...which is one thing that made me feel better about myself...that crap like this does happen even to the nicest of people.... you can get through this
I don't want to jump the gun and do something I would regret, like deleting him from my accounts, especially my business accounts, but I do have several businesses that he has nothing to do with that I need to make sure are protected. He was always my 2nd on them. Is it too soon to remove him and replace him with my daughter? I am 50...what happens if I stroke out tomorrow....who is going to handle the businesses? Him...no...he knows nothing about them at all. They were always my gig. What happens if we do work things out....will that bring on bad feelings that I didn't trust him enough to leave him there while we sorted things out? Seems like whatever decision I make is the wrong decision. I was told to get an attorney....is it too soon for that? He says I can have the homes and the pension all he wants is 1/2 of his retirement and his current pay. Problem is, I get stuck with all the bills and he walks away scott free. I would be forced to sell rental properties to bring down debt if I don't have more income. I just don't know what to do or how long to wait.
He told me he needs time to sort things out. How much time and space do I give him? Do I not contact him at all....what do I do?
Okay, since he is making statements like, 'you can have home and pension' then that means you need a lawyer. The thing is, you can hammer out all kinds of plans, but if a judge does not find it fair, s/he will not sign off on them. Don't agree to anything. If you feel you need to reply, just say, "I'll think about it" and leave it at that. So yes, you need a lawyer especially to advise you on the business stuff. You cannot remove him from accounts you both own (checking/savings), but I really don't know about the business stuff. Call around to lawyers practicing Family Law. Many give free or low cost consults.
I'm glad to read you know all about the finances. Now you can keep tabs on them. Check and see if any large transactions are made. You can give him more time if you want to. Speaking to a lawyer is not the same as retaining one. I suggest you do make some plans in case he decides to have you served with papers. That way you are not trying to make decisions during a highly emotional time.
I wouldn't want my wife running everything and telling people I wasn't smart enough to do it. If you are thinking of saving your marriage, you do have to consider his emotional needs, his need to be respected and loved. The old adage is that girlfriends laugh at your jokes, tell you how smart you are, and are great in bed. So you may want to consider what he said.
How you do this is a tough call. I would think at some point a face-to - face meeting is needed, and then after some pleasantries, tell him you have heard what he said if you believe the marriage can be saved. It's tough, you don't want to be in some competition with the other woman or appear overly needy. But if this marriage hit a rough spot because a smart savvy business woman perhaps failed to consider her husband's emotional needs, you might try to fix that.
Space...I don't get it either. But he has moved out and I believe he might be living with his sister right now. I don't know for sure.
Bobby - you are right. The businesses have been my focus. I have complicated businesses that require licensing and training and he has never showed interest in the day to day operations. He even commented that he wanted nothing to do with it. He was there to support me when I needed physcial assistance...like setting up and tearing down from events. He told others about the business, but he had nothing to do with making the day to day decisions or paying the bills for the business. It was all me. He also had a small sideline business that was more of a hobby and I had nothing to do with it all. I just had no interest. I really hope I was saying he didn't matter and I didn't respect him....but I could have been.
Thanks for the feedback from everyone....keep it coming.
My view - there is no hope. He checked out Long long ago. He found someone who would listen to him and validate his feelings and it was the impetus he needed to leave. It may not work out, but who cares. Do you want someone who would do this to you? Who was such a coward that instead of opening himself to his fears and doubts hid them until it came to this?
This is not your fault. It isn’t because you put attention on your business. It is because he didn’t speak up when he was struggling. He closed up and took the “easy” way out. Mature people clearly share their feelings. He didn’t and I’m not doing it he robbed both of you of the chance to grow together. You are not a mind reader. You are not responsible for his happiness, he is.
I say no hope because I don’t believe these types of people can change enough to be clone as open and mature in a relationship as needed. If you get back together, he will expect you to do more to make him happy. To show you don’t disrespect him. And frankly, I don’t believe these guys understand that they make their own happinesses, and that takes work. You will never be able to do it for him. So, it is over. And you deserve better.
Get a good lawyer. Listen to her. Protect yourself. Know what the most important things are to you and hold to them with a laser focus. Let everything else go.
Good luck