Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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Don't know how to let go

Leftbehind20
Leftbehind20

Hi I'm new here. My story is a bit long. My partner and I were together for nearly 20 years. A year and a half ago he told me he was not happy where he was in life. And that he needed time apart. Just before this he was working out of town for a few months. I checked phone records and noticed he had been talking with a girl. And I do mean girl she is only a few years older than our 20yr old daughter. So I ask him he says they are just friends who work together and nothing more. So he moves out. I want to work on our relationship during this time. He keeps saying he doesnt know what he wants. He quit his job that he had for 15 years ( I know he was unhappy with changes at work) and for the last 18 months he hasn't been able to keep a job. I keep asking if tjere is a chance for us to save our relationship. He keeps saying there is always hope and the line that he doesn't know what he wants. He's confused, lost doesn't know who he is....etc. 


Well know I find out he has been lying this whole time. He has been seeing this 20 something girl. I dont know for how long. But he has started introducing her to his family. I confronted his mother about it and she said that she thought I knew they were together cause tjag is what he told her. I said no I just found out!! 


So now I am heartbroken! Here I was hoping we could pull through and be a couple again meanwhile i was being played for a fool. The worst part is I'm still in love with him and don't know how to let him go. We were best friends and lovers for such a long time. I never knew that your heart could actually hurt but mine does. Now I am the one lost. 

rcurtis1010
rcurtis1010
I have no words for you.. I’m so so sorry you’re going through this.. I can’t imagine how much hurt you must be feeling. More than anything I hope that you remember you’re important. Just because someone else doesn’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not true. If you ever need someone to talk to don’t hesitate to message me <3 much love. Keep your head up darlin, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel..
difficultroad2
difficultroad2
Prayers to you. Just within the past week my wife asked for a separation after 20 yrs of marriage and three beautiful boys. Just so she could pursue other relationships. I was and still am devastated. It is heart wrenching and it sucks.
My heart goes out to you
JazzyLady
JazzyLady
I am sorry you are dealing with this loss. And it is a loss. A loss of a relationship, friend and lover. If you were together for that length of time it is extremely difficult to deal with all the emotions and turmoil. Yes, you will still have strong feelings for him eventhough he has moved on. Try not to beat yourself up about it. Questioning yourself about what you should have done differently. Feeling heartbroken because you didn't know about the other girl. Unfortunately men or men. Mid life crisis comes along and everything you knew and loved no longer exist. My heart goes out to you during this difficult time. I too have experienced this. A friendly hug sent your way.
Leftbehind20
Leftbehind20
Thank you. It's just so hard. I go between missing him and wanting him back because I still love him to being so angry and mad that he decided to just throw away all our years together like they meant nothing!! And the hurt I never really believed before that your heart could actually hurt somuch but it can.

The worse part is he still wanted to be friends. But you can't be friends with someone you are still in love with, cause I tried and all it did was make me miss him cause it felt like when we were still together
Shaner23
Shaner23
I am going through same thing. My husband of twenty years just started seeing a woman at work. The next thing I knew he was telling me he loved her and hadn't been in love with me for a long time. We got divorced and all I ever hear is how he found his soul mate and is so happy. He doesnt have anything to do with our kids he just started a new life and I had to cut my in laws out too because for the holidays they didnt want their grandchildren there they wanted their son and his new family. I have days where I hate him so much but I also dream about him and still think about him. It sucks this midlife crisis all I can do is try to get on with my life, it's hard and seems so unfair
Leftbehind20
Leftbehind20
I do have to be grateful that my mother-in-law is on my side. She didn't realize that he didn't tell me there was someone else. That I thought we were still working on our relationship. She has said that she is disappointed in him because she went through the same thing with his father and he was so mad at how his mother was treated. She is also mad that he decided to leave instead of working things out. So I do have support from her. Which is good cause I am not close with my own family.
growthhurts
growthhurts
Ugh, I'm so sorry you are in this situation. My ex-husband pulled the same thing after 14 years of marriage. It was the new girl at work. They "started out as friends and then it became more...' makes my stomach hurt thinking about it again. He gave up everything: the home we built, our marriage, that job of 15 years, seeing our daughter every day, etc. I was blindsided. I read so much during that period of him first leaving, trying to understand. What I read was when you are cheated on, it is not because of you. It is because of the cheater's issues. And, so you still want to be friends?? I wouldn't. Be strong. Show him you are not just going to wait around and "be his friend" until this relationship is over with the other woman. If you were to work on your marriage, there needs to be boundaries and you can't do that when either one is seeing someone else. What really helped me through that pain was going back to church and also joining a support group called Divorce Care. They help you navigate the emotions and steps you are going through to get through this. Take care of yourself. (((Hugs)))
Leftbehind20
Leftbehind20
Thank you. Before I found out he was for sure seeing someone else I wanted to try to be friends with him, to show him we could still have something together. Once I found out though being friends was off the table! I am so mad that he lied.

I just want to get pass the stage of missing him and wanting him back. This stage sucks cause I would still try with him, if he ended things with her and wanted to go to counselling I would do it. And that makes me feel so stupid and foolish.

I just want to stop loving him but how do you do that after 19 years together.
growthhurts
growthhurts
It's not stupid or foolish to want to work things out with your husband! and that him not being with her and wanting to go to counseling to possibly do so is a really smart decision on your part. Of course you love him! You can't just turn that off after 19 years, like you mentioned. I'm sorry, I know it's hard. Please just take care of yourself, eat well, get some rest. Counseling for yourself may also help cope.
Katya12
Katya12
So very sorry you are going through such heartbreak. Of course you still love him. After 20 years, you have invested your time, your heart, your everything.
Now it is over and there is an emptiness......and you grieve.....not just for the relationship but for all that you had and all that you had hoped for the future. I understand and my heart goes out to you. Take this time to let go. Would you consider some counseling? It probably would be good to help walk you thru this season. Don't forget to eat. Take good care of yourself. There will be a day when you smile again. Sending a sisterly hug your way........
Leftbehind20
Leftbehind20
Thank you. I am trying to let go. My mind knows it but I am just waiting for my heart to realize it as well.

I am considering counselling, I've been looking at my options in my city. I try to eat that one is harder because the food just sits like a pit in my stomach. I feel so numb right Now, like a zombie version of myself.
tacundra1
tacundra1
I feel your pain, my partner has been having an online afair with a much younger guy and talks to him on the phone, and texts. I presured him to make a decision me or the other guy and he chose the other guy being 22 and my partner is 56, I am devistated and do not know if I will ever get over him. I am so scared
tacundra1
tacundra1
We have been together almost 25 years
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