Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Last weekend as me and my stbx were talking I revealed a realization that I had about having had unrealistic expectations for unconditional love from a partner based on what I lacked growing up. We got together at 15 and 17 and it likely motivated a lot of my dependence on him. I apologized sincerely for all the hurt that might have caused him. He took it as a revelation though - he no longer had to ever feel bad for not being able to love me "enough" for the past 23 years because what I expected had always been unrealistic.This past week still living in the same house with my him we gave each other some space. We've been deconstructing our relationship for the past two months in constant discussion. I tried my best to focus on myself this week and do the work I really need to do at this stage of my life and let him do the same. Yesterday he said that my reveal had changed everything for him and he felt free and wanted nothing any more from me except being cordial while we cohabitate. No more best friend, no more family love, no more being around each other or connection of any kind. He also has a problem w alcohol and has been trying to stop drinking since Monday. But he insists his newfound change of perspective is real, my issues mean that everything I ever felt for him was a sham, and he feels nothing for me anymore. He's incredibly bitter and says he feels free now. I tried to caution him that I thought it was a mistake to put everything on one thing (namely my biggest issue) or even to make any serious decisions at all while trying to quit drinking. I can't seem to break through his anger and indifference and resentment toward me. I told him that I really truly still love him for everything he is and has been and everything we've been through together and that I want him to stop hurting and have a better life. It kills me. I don't know how to deal with the pain of his coldness and resentment. I'm dreading this weekend at the same time as I miss him so much. His laugh, his hand on mine, him rolling over to talk to me in bed. I'll never have any of those things again. I feel so alone.
I see this as being very like a limbo contest except that your boyfriend was playing highjump.
You've got to understand: he's working for his best interests. His best interests, now. Not yours. There is no 'we' in his mind. Never was. You were the one who believed in 'we'.
You can't stop a jerk from being a jerk by giving them an excuse for being a jerk. And you can't contort yourself to zero to give someone a justification for treating you like a zero.
I could have sworn i told someone on here to stop letting the guy leaving them from rationalising himself. Was that you? You've let this guy talk himself right off the hook, and you've talked yourself right on it, and he's going to go away feeling liberated and scot free and ready to get out there and have a great time, unencumbered by any guilt or shame - and you're going to be up to your neck in an emotional tarpit of devastation as he wipes his feet on your face on the way out the door.
You're genuine, and he's not. That's why your marriage sucked. That's the bottom line. No more words. Stop talking to this creep. Stop being nice to someone who's abusing you.