Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
New here, first post. I have been married well over 30 years, the first 25 being very happy, at least for me. I used to have a job that paid very well, and outearned my husband about 2 to 1. Then I decided to be an entrepreneur and, in this economy, have not been able to make money the past five years or so. During that time when my husband has been providing income and I haven't, our marriage has completely deteriorated. Just to name a few things, he joined a really fundamentalist religion that I don't approve of because of because of their position on women being submissive and unequal. (He even had a baptism ceremony at this church last year without telling me about it.) He became one of those ultra-conservative Rush Limbaugh type listeners. He started siphoning off 20% of his salary into a separate bank account and spending on all sorts of things for himself - laptop computers and tools and other gadgets, as our credit card debt mounted and mounted. (I have been so careful not to spend money on anything during these years when I haven't been earning.) He moved to the downstairs level of the house about four years ago when we were having an argument, and never moved back upstairs. The list goes on, and I don't want to get into all the minutia and seem like a victim. I think some of this might also be fueled by his Adderall use for ADD, an amphetamine he started taking about six years ago, which has altered his personality. He thinks it's for the better since, after taking a pill, he is able to become very focused on his agenda for the day. I think it has turned him mean and independent, cutting me out of whatever plans he makes.
Anyway, I know I have to leave him, get back into the workforce, sell our joint assets and split everything up. It's hard on so many levels, one being the financial implications and solidifying about a $300,000 devaluation on the house and properties we own together if we sell in this low market. Second, I didn't exactly want to get back into the career I left ... guess I'll have to. Third, while I don't like who he is now, I love who he used to be and the fact that we had a family together, etc. We have moments together that are OK, but underneath I don't trust him any more. I'm sure he could tell his side of the story as well ... I know I'm no picnic when I feel all this resentment and lapse into being silent and withdrawing when I discover secrets he has kept. This is way beyond counseling as it has gone on for too many years.
I mainly wanted to ask if anyone here regretted getting a divorce? Do you wish you had just been passive and accepted changes in your spouse, because even if he turned much worse, he wasn't as bad as some? (This is the argument my husband gave me a few years ago when I pointed out some of the things he was doing - "what are you complaining about, I don't beat you or drink, etc., which I told him was a really asinine thing to say.) I know that divorce will change my life irrevocably and make it much harder before it gets easier. So please share whatever thoughts you might have IN RETROSPECT about your decisions before I make such a leap.
Anyway, I know I have to leave him, get back into the workforce, sell our joint assets and split everything up. It's hard on so many levels, one being the financial implications and solidifying about a $300,000 devaluation on the house and properties we own together if we sell in this low market. Second, I didn't exactly want to get back into the career I left ... guess I'll have to. Third, while I don't like who he is now, I love who he used to be and the fact that we had a family together, etc. We have moments together that are OK, but underneath I don't trust him any more. I'm sure he could tell his side of the story as well ... I know I'm no picnic when I feel all this resentment and lapse into being silent and withdrawing when I discover secrets he has kept. This is way beyond counseling as it has gone on for too many years.
I mainly wanted to ask if anyone here regretted getting a divorce? Do you wish you had just been passive and accepted changes in your spouse, because even if he turned much worse, he wasn't as bad as some? (This is the argument my husband gave me a few years ago when I pointed out some of the things he was doing - "what are you complaining about, I don't beat you or drink, etc., which I told him was a really asinine thing to say.) I know that divorce will change my life irrevocably and make it much harder before it gets easier. So please share whatever thoughts you might have IN RETROSPECT about your decisions before I make such a leap.
most of us here divorced because of major things like adultery, porn addiction, abuse, or being tangled up with a sociopath. so, there really was little choice. or, we were just flat out dumped.
my ex wanted the life of a princess where much was expected of the man and little expected of her. so, she left to find him after i wised up.
I'm sorry to hear your story, but glad you're here.
(((hugs)))
Marriage #2 is the first time I've understood why sometimes you have to leave. Addiction is tough - they have to want to get well and to do the tough recovery work and you can't make anyone do something they don't want. Your situation sounds a little more like my marriage #2. If he wants to be in a tough religion then you aren't really married to the guy you remember and he may not ever become that guy again. The question is whether it's a phase. Is it a midlife crisis? Those actually last 3 years on average. You might get him back. Or is it a full blown life change that you can't live with and it's hopeless and controlling to try to change him into something he doesn't want to be?
I did see a lot of people leave a "8 out of 10" type of guy because of his two bad qualities...and date a lot of 6 out of 10 guys who had problems they never dreamed they would encounter. There are conservative guys who believe men & women are different but equal who still treat their wives well. It's hard to tell where your guy is headed with this or whether it's permanent...
For now I came out okay in the divorce. I wanted out so badly that I walked away from the huge salary he was making. But I never married for the money.
I was never so lonely as I was in my marriage. I work just as hard as I did when married but now I'm working for me.
If I read your post right, you troubles started around the same time you changed careers and the money dried up, markets eroded your wealth base, and he started making big changes,
That sounds like a lot to take in and from what you have written, it doesn't sound like he had much input or control of the events that shaped his life As badly as he is doing it, he may simply be trying to regain control and quite possibly blaming you for the sudden change in cash flow. That is a lot of stressful change in the family environment,
At this point in life you already know that everything comes in cycles, and we can be wrong for years without figuring it out. Perhaps your husband will never. I'm not trying to change your mind, it is your decision, my suggestion is to look past his behavior for the root cause. we all get so caught up in how we feel at the moment, forget the good times and remap our memories with bad events. When we are in pain, we can literally rewrite history.
Most people find a way to justify what they have done no matter what the outcome. The bigger the challenge to complete the task, the more we believe we were right. Divorce is such a task. Most folks are likely to believe they have achieved something good and further argue they should have done it sooner. Not that there aren't marriages that should end, but it is hard to sort out post event.
If you have it in you to give it some more thought before doing anything, my recommendation is to read "Thinking, Fast and Slow" and possibly "Love yourself, It doesn't matter who you marry". Love yourself has a religious bent, that's not for me, but some good ideas just the same. If you only read one book choose "Thing, Fast and slow". It will leave you with a much better understanding how susceptible our behavior is to our environment,
One last comment: I realize, I focused on the 'before I take a leap" part of your post and not directly on your question. Since you are not divorced yet, I thought another perspective could help. You are welcome to ignore my post or strongly disagree, but please be nice. I've been ridiculed in this forum for my positive outlook already. And truthfully, my own circumstances have taken too much already.
Who wants to be in an abusive relationship to the point where you don't want to go home? The love and respect just died and I am moving on. As for a good settlement, I am going to be more financially secure than I ever imagined whilst being free of abuse at the same time. All the best.
You want to know if you should get a divorce? Well, my answer to you is how much more of the sht can you take? You want a husb, not a person who is wrecking your life. Yes, it will be lonely and hard, but you alone have to make that decision, how much more can you take. My husb refuses to take vacations with me, not even spending overnite at a hotel, forget about sex.....
My answer to you is, how much more can you take?
Joyce
There is another group here on DS you might find helpful. It is for those who had been together or married 20 years or more. Here is a link: http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/divorceaftertwentyyearstogether