dont give yourself a time limit first of all- ive been guilty of that- and it took me some time to realize i was using energy to feel guilty about how i was feeling because i thought i should have moved from point A to point B quicker- its not a race. your pain is your pain. you have to fit it and shift it into your life.

i dont REALLY really remember the good times i had with my ex, or the bad times for that matter. they are there- they come naturally. its second nature. its like breathing. and if i cry, then i cry. then i go about reading or journaling or walking the dog or whatever i was doing. i dont have to focus on him to think about him. he is simply here in my mind. i dont force it one way or the other. he will always be a part of me - no matter how much of a douche bag he was to me- it will just lessen with time.

also- start letting the crappy times be prevelant. make a journal if you have to- write it out. look at it. i did that one time. i sat on the small couch with pen and notebook and started writing. 2 hours later i had filled at least 4 pages front and back. thats when the anger started and i stopped having all these "ohh but hes so cute and he held my hand and told me he loved me and was all mushy goo goo with me" and really got pissed. and i have gone back to read it and realized there are tons of things that i had forgotten. really great tool. i highly recommend it- because honey- they arent all sunshine and light. and as soon as you take him off his pedestal you will see it too.

it takes time. go easy on yourself. ((hugs))

You'll create more good times and put them in a treasure chest within, where they will last forever. Filled with abundance, your treasure chest will replace the old memories which you've outgrown with golden moments, timeless treasures.

I'm over him, but I don't think I'll ever be over not knowing why he left.
At times I remember the good times, but mostly I think about how he deceived me and I don't know for how long.

i don't think there is ever a completely letting go. it's like a death of a loved one. i will always miss my relatives that are gone. it is the same with a deep love. a part of me will always miss that person.

but, it doesn't mean that it is ok to stand still. life goes on and within us, our spirits need room to grow and move past any trauma that we get hit with.

cry, vent, do whatever every day to not feel numb. then, afterwards, build something. do something. anything. that moves you forward in some way.

that's all that any of us can do as we process grieving. just know that your heart is remarkably strong. it is healing in the background every so slightly every day. :)

To me that's like asking whether it's better to sleep or wake up; or eat or drink.... for me, I needed to do both in a balance. Too much of either is dysfunctional. But if it's early on in the breakup, don't drive yourself crazy about it. Just make it through however is best for YOU to make it through. (not how your neighbor made it, or your friend, your mother, or your mother's friend's daughter's sister.....,)

Create new good memories which has no room for him, and new good memories will be shadow over the old ones.

It means you are force to have good time. I went to same places where he and I used to go, did same things funwise with my friends and kids. Yes I was sad, but guess what if I think about those places, I remember the new ones not the old ones....

I don't know what it is about Faithful 777 replies, but they always touch my heart.
He always gives excellent advice
I wonder when all these questions will be answered in my head too.
I am getting so tired of sadness.

Patti 22: I guess what I really was trying to say is if you try to avoid everything that you enjoyed together, such as sunsets, full moons, certain music, places you used to go together, is it all going to hit me at once. I can't listen to music we enjoyed together, go places we went, watch a sunset, look at the moon, say his name out loud, for pete sake!, etc. Why is this?? I know this sounds absolutely crazy and I was not a crazy person before all this!

As long as you remember the good times you had together, then when they tell you everything was bad, you can reflect and grow in spirit. I knew that when she told me she was unhappy from the start and she never had a happy moment, I felt devistated and thought i must be crazy for seeing the good times. But beyond that, I know we had good times, and I will remember those. no one came take them away from you. treasure them because one day when you look back, it wont be to hate them for the bad times, but to love yourself for the goodtimes you gave.

I let myself feel all the things (well, almost all of them) I needed to feel. I honoured my heart. I also made sure I give it some relief by participating in things that would make me laugh, allow my mind to focus on other things, like socializing with my friends, being present with my students during work, being creative with my photography and being the best mom I could be for my son.

I would cry in the shower or the restroom at work, I would cry in therapy every 2 weeks, I would cry in bed at night, or when I was home alone. I was on other forums where I was honest about my resentment and rage and hatred, where people understood.

I would feel overwhelming feelings come up and I'd say to myself silently "let's deal with that after I get home, like 9pm maybe, but not now, OK?" and I'd be able to continue functioning. I tried to keep my rage and hatred "locked down" because I was afraid if I expressed it, I might lose control, which is a form of denial, but that ended up impacting my health negatively, as did trying to force myself to "get over it".

I think everyone has different ways of recovering from their breakup, depending on temperament and how comfortable or willing you are to feel things that, let's face it, feel horrible.

For me, looking back, I deserved to feel everything I did, even the guilt, and I'm happy to have been honest about all my feelings, working through them so they had some meaning and value, and weren't just pointless pain.

ii think it's important to keep in touch with the good and the bad.
my husband used to try to manipulate me into second-guessing my memories of red-flag events where his actions were crappy. so while we were married i began writing down the "real" version of those events right after they happened, to help me stay sane when he tried to tell me i remembered it all wrong. i saved those records.
during and after the divorce, when i would get mushy and miss the good in my ex, i would make myself pull out those records, to keep sight of the big picture.
our marriages are huge pieces of our life journeys. the good and the bad. i think what's important is to keep in the back of our brains the fact that the bad was there--so we don't waste time saying "what if?" so if our minds protect us by keeping the good snapshots clear while letting the bad ones fade, that's ok. as long as we remember we made the right turns during the journey.

4 years after the start of our divorce, i am finally beginning to remember good moments without questioning my choice.
sometimes. it's a process...

hang in there. it does get less painful.

A great question. Thanks for posting it as I often feel conflicted too.

I think it's definitely a combination of the two: feeling your feelings while letting go. And i think this is true of every breakup regardless of the circumstances, which as we see on this board, range widely.

My therapist said it best and wrote it all down so i can remember it when in doubt like you are right now. I'll look through my notes and post what she said.

There's definitely got to be a balance. I think dealing with the pain means I have to accept and come to terms with the losses and the damage. And moving on means not letting the pain consume me or prevent me from creating a new and positive life.

It isn't healthy to pretend that pain doesn't exist or to minimize your losses or emotional scars and try to sweep them under the rug like they are not real. But it isn't healthy to sit around all day ruminating on these things either. It's got to be a balance.

Looking again at what you wrote in your last paragraph, about trying to really remember each good time separately and feel the sadness, I would suggest that that might not be a good idea. It's too specific and too torturous to relive each memory. Perhaps it would be more productive to work through the broader picture?

I am more successful in dealing with the pain if I can just be honest with myself about the big emotions and not focus on the little incidents or specifics. Does that make sense at all? Instead of reliving each moment and feeling those feelings over and over, focus on the big picture of feeling the loss of your relationship. That's the thing you need to move beyond. The little memories or thoughts hurt less when I am feeling more control over my feelings about the entire situation. (Notice I am still putting this in the present tense as I am far from finished working through this myself.)

You're not crazy. I was like that too.

All I can say, is one step at a time. If a kid tried to ride a bike before they could walk, all they would do is colapse in frustation and pain. So take it one thing at a time.
And go easy on yourself!! Whether it's a parent helping a kid to walk, or a physical therapist helping a stroke patient learn to walk again, all of the At-A-Boys really help. A balance between working at it, and forgetting all about it and resting works.

You don't need to overthink it all. Just take things as they come. Desenitize yourself to the triggers. Play around here on ds (there used to be more of this on here, but it comes and goes). Listen to part of a song.

Feel the pain, vent, laugh about it, make some hot chocolate, and go on with life.

Then the next day, do the same. It doesn't all have to be painful. In fact it should be as pain free as you can make it.

In the meantime, give yourself a break. It's like you're a kid again. Take all of the stress to get to a certain point by a certain time OFF. Keep working at it, but you can also enjoy the bonding with others that have gone through it, or are currently going through it.

But don't stop working at it either.

Healing Hugs,
Patti

Everyone goes through this process differently. Whyat works for one person, make not work for another. I suggest just taking things and dealing with them as they come. Just make sure to not let the negative define you or the path you need to take, and take good care of yourself by resting and eating even if you don't want to or can't.