So yesterday was an interesting night to say the least. I'm in the process of learning about religion, and am really trying to understand the concepts that revolve around religion, and finding God. It hasn't been easy for me, mainly due to my own roadblocks I think, but I'm continuing to pursue it because I feel so empty inside. Yesterday's sermon was about finding inner peace with God, and by knowing the true meaning of Christmas, and accepting that Jesus was born and died for all of our sins, that instead of using Christmas as a time of year to be stressed out over gifts and family and gatherings, we should rather be at peace with ourselves. This is a concept I don't fully understand, but it struck a cord with me.

I've never really experienced inner peace aside from going into a trance. Inside me, it would appear to be so much darkness. In me, I find that the only way my brain turns off is if I go into a trance, normally my music. Meditation is way too hard for me to achieve anymore, partly due to my brain, partly due to the required breathing practices I was taught. It dawned on my last night, while I was on my way home from a game night with my friends, that inside it is just chaos. I had wondered if it was because of my lack of faith, or just the fact that so much has happened in my life over the years.

Chaos, darkness, sadness, despair, all are feelings I can truly relate to, in a way that I don't find healthy. On the outside, I seem like a happy go lucky person, one who is content with life, and has a handle on things. But deep inside, I don't know if the same could be said. I find that when I pray, I normally go on a tangent in my head, and wind up breaking down emotionally, crying my eyes out, feeling overwhelmed with sorrow. It isn't a pleasant feeling to say the least, but I still try because of my deep desire to feel connected to God.

So last night, on the way home, me and my best friend were talking about this for probably two hours. Almost all the way home, and for about an hour or so outside my house. In the end, it came down to that I haven't let go of anything. I don't really understand the concept of letting go. The emotional pain is still attached to memories, and if I think about those memories, I will feel the pain inside. My brain also has this strange way of remembering all kinds of details, like dates, times, weather information, locations, in such detail it is as if it happened yesterday.

Trying not to be too graphic with her last night, I shared a story of when I was 13, and I was accused by my mother of abusing her, and was sent to a crisis center. They wound up eventually sending me to a foster home, and all that, but I didn't get into those details mainly because there is a lot of pain involved, and a lot of bad stuff happened there. Point is, if I let myself, like last night, I can remember every detail with such precision that is like it happened yesterday. She says I haven't left go of that, and in a weird way I agree. But on the flip side, I'm living with my mother, the one who lied and accused me of hitting her, and am very happy with her, and our relationship. These things don't come up anymore, and I don't relate to her with these memories. Isn't that the very definition of letting go?

So applying this to my life now, my ex, and all that she has done. I've forgiven her, I don't think of her too often, but there are nights where she pops in my head. I analyze, constantly analyzing. It does me no good in this instance, as I realize I can't fix my marriage, nor do I want to at this point. After the realization of what my marriage was, and the abuse I was enduring and didn't even realize, it is far better for me to be away from her. But that doesn't stop my brain from processing all this, over and over again, to the point of driving myself nuts sometimes. My friend claims that I haven't let her go either.

So I come here, mainly out of curiosity, but more overly out of my lack of understanding about this letting go concept. Do we ever really let go of things? How does one separate the emotional component from the memory? How does one let out the darkness that is inside them so that light may shine inside? Is light shining inside me now, and I just don't realize it? Personally speaking I feel like I'm overflowing with dark memories, with dark emotions, and while for some odd reason I'm not depressed or anything, I know it is all there.

So yea, any advice would be helpful. I definitely feel a bit lost, and confused by this whole concept. Emotional concepts like this are confusing to me. I'm sorry that this is so long, and kind of in a tangent like form. I didn't really have any other way to let it out, so I just let the words flow out of me. Thanks in advance for the advice, and as always, thank you for the support and help.