Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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ripped_my_heartout 03/14/2017

It's been 5 months now since everythings happened. I am better. The only thing I'm working on now is sleep. I seemed to have developed stress like insomnia. I know there are things I can take but I'm trying to go drug free as much as possible. I don't want to have to depend on a drug for anything.

In these 5 months of NO CONTACT with her, I have had time to assess the situation. Through therapy and my divorce group...terms such as narcissist and gaslighting have come up. My therapist mentioned narcissist early on and gave me reading material. I've spent the last 3 months or so studying to better prepare myself for what lies ahead, to help me understand...prepare for the war that's coming divorcing a narcissist.

They say narcissim is the pursuit of gradification from vanity or egotistic admiration of ones own attributes. I laugh now because I used to say to her why are you so vain? Of coarse she would get mad and say I was vain, yet she's the one that would post 15 to 20 pics a day to her instagram or Facebook. She'd sit there and take hundreds of photos of herself. She was forgetting she had a family. Never photos of us, just her.

Over time I have come to realize just how much control she really had. She slowly took over all the finances, controlled what I spent. Slowly over the years, pushed my friends away. She lied and manipulated me and people around her to get what she wanted. There was no pleasing this girl. I never did anything right in her eyes. Never was enough. The putdowns were daily. I just got used to them. Fat, ugly, lazy, stupid, I heard them all. She would say she was sick of looking at my stupid face all the time. My therapist has convinced me that it wasn't my fault.

I no longer dream of her at night. Maybe because I no longer wonder why she did the things she did. I do not miss her. I feel I have detached from her. The things she has done to me for years, seems to have helped me detach quicker than I thought I could. No longer do I wish to be with her, the pain she has caused me is subsiding. This was really for the best and I am free. I do not love her anymore.

Realizing she has been gaslighting me for last few years, angers me. I really thought I was going crazy. She would move my keys, wallet, cell phone. Making me question if I really remembered where I left things. Of coarse she was the one to find these things. Telling me and everyone else that there must be something wrong with my brain. Really making me question reality, you know, I was crazy to suspect she's was having an affair. It was affecting my everyday life, home, work, sleep. She was always telling me I was making things up or I was crazy and that never happened. I was becoming confused and constantly second guessing myself. I do know now, these were things she was doing to me. I have been on my own for 5 months and I have never misplaced my wallet or keys, they always seem to be in the place where I leave them. I find it unbelievable that people can be this way. So cruel.

I am am teaching myself to become aware of the signs. I no longer want to surround myself with people like this or with negative people. Trust will be something that I need to work on. My guard is up, yet I do not want to shut everyone out. I don't want to sit in the house and hide from people. There are some good people out there in this world, I just need to find them. So I will continue to read, educated myself. Divorcing a narcissist is not going to be easy. There will be rough days ahead but I must stay strong. I will not give her the satisfaction of getting to me nor will I feed her ego and needs. I'm in a better place and better state of mind. She can no longer control me and I know that drives her nuts.

What does bother me now is she is doing the same things she was doing to me, to the kids. I'm no longer at the house yet my kids tell me the fighting continues. She blackmails them to get them to do what she wants. Borrowed money from my son and won't pay him back! I tell them I am there for them. They can call me anytime of the day and I'll be there for them. They are all I care about from that relationship now.

All the money being wasted on lawyers fees, but I have to dig my feet in. I can not let her get everything she wants because it's never enough. One day I will be truly free from her. This will be one hard fought battle but one I'm trying to ready myself for mentally. After years of her lies and abuse...I will no longer stand for it, even if it breaks me financially. I will bounce back.

-HUGS- to everyone. In time...we all here will get through these difficult situations. Stay strong.

mirandac 03/14/2017

Great share, HUGS

Peace_of_mind1 03/14/2017

Hi I'm so glad you're so much better and stronger thank you for sharing it really helps us all

K8tlyn820 03/14/2017

What is the material your therapist has given you about narcissism? Everyone has been using the same phrases with me, and although I might not be at a place to dissect our relationship because it is to raw, it may help to realize so I do not make the same mistakes again some day. Thanks!

ripped_my_heartout 03/14/2017

K8tlyn820- here are some websites
Psychologytoday.com
mayoclinic.org
Both sites you just search for narcissist

There is a good article on -8 mistakes I made divorcing a narcissist- on ravishly.com

There's a book I'm reading called... Splitting : Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone With Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy

I hope that helps. There are all kinds of web sites that can help. I also have had to deal with what is called
-gaslighting- it's something some narcs like my stbx did to me. You can google that one to if it helps. They make you feel like you are losing your mind.

seventhdoor_nmw 03/15/2017

Yes, my husband has narcissistic traits as well. Lack of empathy, arrogance, extreme insecurity, inability to really accept consequences for his actions (because he can't tolerate the blow to his ego of being wrong). Emotional abuse, manipulation, lots of put downs telling me how worthless, useless, embarrassing, etc. I am. He has a lot of anger too and is frequently angry and resentful. He has very little tolerance for what he sees as incompetence in other people. And he has literally stated that he puts himself first always and what he wants is to 'live his life for himself and not have to be accountable to anyone'. This has been my life partner for 23 years. I am glad you were able to go no contact for 5 months. I can only imagine the peace and healing that might bring. Thank you for sharing your experience.

kbbcoop77 03/15/2017

This sounds familiar....my ex wife would ridicule me in front of our friends, claim I wasn't a "real man", usually when she had been drinking which we both drank but she started to really just get plain mean. I would call her out the next day and she would sound horrified but really the truth is when they start exhibiting contempt for you it's basically over. She also created a Facebook account and after that her iPhone was welded to her hand 24-7, typical narc behavior posting nonstop looking for approval. By then it was really over. 3 years now since she's left (after cheating) and it's much more peaceful at home...I've been total no contact for well over a year now (24 yrs together), it was very hard at first but now it's been a lifesaver. Keep at it.

movingon2016 03/15/2017

This sounds so much like my life. So crazy. His therapist called him a narcissist. People have been mentioning that to me but it really hit home when his therapist said it. She's a trained professional who is treating him.

I'm struggling getting through this divorce and wish we could go totally no contact. Good luck to you ripped and to all the other posters.

GettingStronger4 03/15/2017

I'm currently in the process of divorcing my husband, we all know that can become dragged out. While separated, I began dating a narcissist. I fell in love with him, a much deeper love than I felt with my husband. He's also an addict though, so now I'm mourning the loss of him while still trying to wrap up my divorce. Going through a double breakup has added a ton of stress on my shoulders. I definitely should have waited for the first door to be closed and locked.

ripped_my_heartout 03/15/2017

GettingStronger- narcissist prey apon people like us. You were down he took advantage. I've been educating myself on this to learn of the signs and red flags so I don't get into this kind of relationship again. 22 years I spent with her. I'm learning to repair the damage she did to me...finding myself again. I really recommend therapy and a divorce group. The added support has been amazing.

GettingStronger4 03/15/2017

I've never been preyed on like that before! He was a total mooch but tried to make it appear that he was very giving. One of our last fights, he told me he wasn't ready to commit to me but then asked to move in with me and my three young kids! Umm, no. Red flag much??

trisha9054 03/16/2017

I spent 33 years married to a Narcissist. This is going to sound strange but he never really loved me. He was a serial cheater who hid his cheating well. He needed someone to cheat on. It was more exciting to have a wife and that made his cheating exciting. He hid that cheating very well. Home on time every night and never went out. He made friends in payroll so his pay and hours worked matched. He also hid his drinking from the people he worked with. Then he went to work overseas.

My therapist also gave me books to read and I learned a lot. I learned not to let me pull me into one of his narcissistic rages. He loves no one but hisself. When I filed for divorce he gave me everything I asked for and wanted to know when he could come back home.

Then he got ugly and caused me a lot of financial harm. I had some worth to him that he didn' t want to lose but didn't love me. I appreciate the things he brought into my life but he's not a nice person. There is a ton of bad things I learned about him that made me get that divorce. I' m happy now and I will never have contact from him again. If you find yourself involved with a Narcissist don't just walk away....RUN away

Lucy1977 03/21/2018

I'm in the same situation. My heart is broken.

NeonStrawberry 03/21/2018

I have a close friend who divorced a narcissist, also with a child. It was bad, and 14 years, she has continued to make his life a living hell. So glad that you are getting therapy to heal yourself and gain perspective. You will have a battle ahead of you if she's as vindictive as my friend's ex. The child was often used as a spy by the ex, and a point of contention. The child has ongoing difficulties being in a tug of war, told lies and doesn't know which parent to believe, made to feel badly for enjoying time with the other parent, etc. But as the child grows up, they are starting to insert their own desires, mom still a tyrant, dad laying back more. And child is now starting to see that mom isn't perfect, child feeling more secure around dad and talks more freely. It's been an interesting dynamic. Good luck to you, and many wishes on continued healing.

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