Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi guys... It's been a while since I'm here. I'm struggling and not sure where to turn.
A little background...
I just divorced my ex in February. We were together 24 years (married 19). We have 2 beautiful girls we adopted at birth. They are now 10 and 4.
Over the years my ex became increasing more abusive. Verbally and very passive aggressive. Made me feel like I was always wrong and crazy if I tried to stand up for myself. I tried talking to him about it. I pushed for marriage counseling. I asked for separations twice. He finally agreed to marriage counseling and I gave it my all. But I had lost so much respect for him and no longer was in love with him. We ended up suffering through a 1.5 year in-house separation until the divorce was final and even then he remained in the home for another month. It was brutal to say the least. I'm still in therapy twice a month for almost 2 years now. Sadly, The girls saw and heard way too much.
Here is my problem. I am very saddened and concerned for my girls mental well being. The older knows she's adopted but I'm not sure my younger understands she is. I was always very open about it. But since the marital problems we never spoke about it in over 2 years. She is having temper tantrums and acting out. And cries hysterically whenever having to go with her dad.
Any advice on finding out:
1. What's typical 4 yr old behavior?
2. How to help the girls cope with the divorce?
3. How to tie in the adoption talk so it doesn't come as a shock to my little one when she starts to realize and understand it?
Any help or advice or support would be greatly appreciated. I try to keep it together but I've lost it and broken down and cried the 2 times my little girl upset with me because I wouldn't let her watch 3 videos before bed and I make her brush her teeth and she told me...
I don't want to stay in this house.. I want to stay with daddy!
I would rather have taken a bullet to my heart than hear those words. And I know she's only 4 and within an hour she was hugging me telling me how much she loves me.
But i need help handling things better. I think my little one may benefit from therapy??? I tried for my older one but she would clam up and not talk during the sessions. She'll experience anxiety and its excessive and irrational at times.
Sorry this is long... My thoughts are a bit scattered.
Any help or advice is welcome.
A little background...
I just divorced my ex in February. We were together 24 years (married 19). We have 2 beautiful girls we adopted at birth. They are now 10 and 4.
Over the years my ex became increasing more abusive. Verbally and very passive aggressive. Made me feel like I was always wrong and crazy if I tried to stand up for myself. I tried talking to him about it. I pushed for marriage counseling. I asked for separations twice. He finally agreed to marriage counseling and I gave it my all. But I had lost so much respect for him and no longer was in love with him. We ended up suffering through a 1.5 year in-house separation until the divorce was final and even then he remained in the home for another month. It was brutal to say the least. I'm still in therapy twice a month for almost 2 years now. Sadly, The girls saw and heard way too much.
Here is my problem. I am very saddened and concerned for my girls mental well being. The older knows she's adopted but I'm not sure my younger understands she is. I was always very open about it. But since the marital problems we never spoke about it in over 2 years. She is having temper tantrums and acting out. And cries hysterically whenever having to go with her dad.
Any advice on finding out:
1. What's typical 4 yr old behavior?
2. How to help the girls cope with the divorce?
3. How to tie in the adoption talk so it doesn't come as a shock to my little one when she starts to realize and understand it?
Any help or advice or support would be greatly appreciated. I try to keep it together but I've lost it and broken down and cried the 2 times my little girl upset with me because I wouldn't let her watch 3 videos before bed and I make her brush her teeth and she told me...
I don't want to stay in this house.. I want to stay with daddy!
I would rather have taken a bullet to my heart than hear those words. And I know she's only 4 and within an hour she was hugging me telling me how much she loves me.
But i need help handling things better. I think my little one may benefit from therapy??? I tried for my older one but she would clam up and not talk during the sessions. She'll experience anxiety and its excessive and irrational at times.
Sorry this is long... My thoughts are a bit scattered.
Any help or advice is welcome.
Well, I'm sorry you and your girls have been through such a rough time. I know adjusting to life after divorce is never easy. But it's obvious you love your daughters, and that will definitely go a long way. However, it never hurts to look into some outside help to get you through this time. So, as the others shared, I think therapy could be a good idea. I also came across a couple articles (http://bit.ly/1GRv3A4 and http://bit.ly/1C2TUVK) concerning helping kids get through divorce and talking about adoption that might give you some guidance. So, just FYI if you want to take a look. But I'll definitely keep your family in my prayers. Hang in there!
#girlluvs2garden#
Thanks garden, for the links... The articles were helpful :)))
Hugs...
- the fact that you are considering options to best help them shows that you are thinking from your head and heart
- that is good for them!
- trust your judgment
kids are "funny" one of mine went -- still goes, finds it helpful
the other resisted, so I didn't push, later an issue came up, where we agreed for them to go to 2 visits, they went for 5, found it helpful and haven't been back
I hope the best for your family
my belief is to tell your kids age appropriate truth -- no bullshit or stories, teach them how to deal with what is real
I am so proud of you for leaving your abusive marriage. That takes a strong person.
I love the fact you are thinking of the girls and want to help them.
I would like to add I also think therapy would do the girls a world of good.
You know how crazy it is living with an abuser------maybe that is part of the girls problems, not just the divorce. Of course you don't know what their father is telling them either. I was wondering if you could find a therapist that also has some training with abuse? Maybe it isn't necessary, I just thought I'd throw it out there.
Thanks for getting #6 reply removed ... I was thinking the same thing..! It was kind of creepy and so not connected to my thread ..!
I do believe in being honest to my girls. But I also want to protect them. I don't bad mouth their dad. I simply say we think it's best if we're not married anymore. We both still love you and will always be your mom and dad. I use examples like.. My mom is still my mom even though we don't live in the same house and we love each other and sometimes miss each other too... That seems to help her. But I do teach them that no matter how difficult a situation is, that they should always do what's best. They are strong independent girls who can do and be anything they want..! They should always stand up for themselves..
Gem
It's so great to hear from you..! You've been there for me through this whole ordeal and your advice and support has truly helped me :))
I am looking for a therapist and hope the last few years they had to live through hasn't done too much damage. I know they'll be ok but I've got some work to do to retrain them and what they saw and probably think is ok. Hope you're doing well!
Hugs...
I'm sorry for what you have to deal with. Those words and tantrums can really sting. Does your son see his dad regularly..? How is his behavior when he has to leave you and spend the day with your ex..? How is he when he comes back home..? This is all so new to me and I read about this to see what's normal behavior for a 4 yr old and what is from the sadness and confusion of the divorce..
You're not alone... Hugs to you..
I just caught your reply and I'm glad some of those links were helpful. I'm still keeping you in my prayers. Keep us posted on how you're doing, OK? ((Hugs))!
#girlluvs2garden#
Thank you so much for your response. I've always read that it's good to be open about adoption so your children don't ever feel shame or that it's a secret. I don't bring it up and I'm just matter-of-fact about it.
My older knows and especially since she was 6 when I adopted my second child. I'm just not sure my little one understands she's adopted and I don't want it to come as a shock later on.
But I completely understand your point of view. I just want to do the right thing. Maybe I'm reading too much :))
I'm so glad to hear your positive experience. I am still in therapy for myself and looking for therapists for my girls. When my little ones gets sad about leaving and going to see her dad for the alternate weekends I just validate her feelings, encourage her to talk about it and let it out. She's handling things a little better and her episodes don't last as long. We'll be fine. I love them more than life itself. I just want them to be happy... :))