Do you believe that second marriages are more likely to succeed? Think again, they have a failure rate up to 25% higher than the first marriage. I do not mention the free unions that are being made and disbanded at an increasingly rapid pace. Why is this so and what can be done to make one union a positive experience for the next to increase the legitimate chances for marital happiness?

The consequences of divorce

Should divorce considered as a failure? Everything depends. If there are no children, the consequences of separation may be minor. In my opinion, to say that a successful divorce is better than a bad marriage is to choose between the plague and cholera. Parental conflicts surrounding divorce often have disastrous effects on children, as they feel guilty and forced to choose a camp. What we must never lose sight of is that in a divorce, it is a couple of lovers who separate; the couple must continue to ensure "parenthood" which is undeniable, indissoluble, indefeasible and irreversible. The parent couple is bound to live. Unfortunately, the majority of divorced couples have a power struggle over children, who blackmailed. They forget that a good parent is one who recognizes the importance of the other parent.

The choice of the child is always to have a stable family, if possible happy. It seems more and more that the deep trauma experienced by the child, especially the boys, comes from the father's eviction. For eviction of the father, there is if we rely on statistics. In Quebec, in 1997, according to Statistics Canada, 70% of children in separated families were in the sole custody of the mother, 15.2% in shared custody and only 14.8% in sole custody of the father. In the majority of cases, fathers are relayed to the role of simple ATM. The average for other countries, including Belgium, seems to be around 82% of exclusive custody of the mother.

The interwar

Men recover in the year following their separation; women can wait up to five years. We do not know why maybe it depends on men on basic needs. Higher demands of women in a second union? To be honest, when I get a divorce I start to play at gaming club and it was the only place where I can relax.  Now, I stop playing and find a new relationship. One thing is certain: if the divorced people do not take the time to take stock of their previous married life, do not learn their feelings of loneliness and incompleteness, do not establish better criteria for selecting next partner and do not get rid of false beliefs about life together, they will inevitably repeat the same scenario and lead to a second separation. The next partner will not be the "good" because I will be there!

To minimize the negative consequences of divorce on children and to allow former spouses to benefit from the failure of their marriage, divorced people often have to resort to psychotherapy. Spousal psychotherapy can take place before mediation, which sometimes can save the couple, or be done, individually or ex-couple after separation. Mediation will regulate the legal, financial and childcare aspects; mediation protects the rights of the three parties involved (father, mother, children), but also empowers parents. and it was the only place where I can relax.  Now, I stop playing and find a new relationship. One thing is certain: if the divorced people do not take the time to take stock of their previous married life, do not learn their feelings of loneliness and incompleteness, do not establish better criteria for selecting next partner and do not get rid of false beliefs about life together, they will inevitably repeat the same scenario and lead to a second separation. The next partner will not be the "good" because I will be there!

Psychotherapy, on the other hand, will cause people to become aware and change the false beliefs, negative attitudes and destructive behaviors that led to the failure of the relationship. It will also help them avoid that their legitimate need to love and be loved prevents them from finding themselves in a dynamic of emotional dependence or counter-dependency with a new spouse, a dynamic that is often the main psychological cause of a relationship. The lover who goes wrong, once the honeymoon is over. The ultimate goal of this therapy is to learn to be good with oneself, to become more autonomous so that the next spouse is a plus in his life and not just fill a void or counter the loneliness envisioned as isolation.

Start a new life

Contrary to belief, life exists after divorce, and it can even be better if you understand and "succeed" in divorce, which means clarifying your relationship with your ex-spouse and developing a good relationship. What a paradox!  When we divorce because there is no longer any agreement, they tell us that we must agree to continue to evolve, especially on what divides us most, namely the education of children and the administration of the budget. Yet this condition, forgiving himself and forgiving his ex, is necessary to increase the chances of succeeding his second commitment. Even though divorce is often experienced as a real trauma, it does not die and you can even learn some great life lessons. Once the wounds are dressed,

Except that you are over 25 years old and probably, your next lover will not be 25 years old and will have a former spouse and one or two children. If the life of the first couple was not easy, do not imagine that the life of your second couple will be easier if, in addition, you have to deal with the ex and the children of the other. Of course, the new love can be built more easily if neither of you has children if your divorces have been friendly and you have enjoyed a period of solitude to enrich you with knowledge about yourself, the other sex and the life together.

However, the probabilities are high that you have to learn to live in a "stepfamily". It is no longer only two people who will unite in a new love, they are two worlds composed each of an ex, of children, of a family, of a family-in-law, of friends, without talking about a well-established lifestyle, a heritage sometimes well-stocked and personal and/or professional projects in progress. Your new spouse is not the only potential, but it is also a story, a story in which you interpenetrate yourself as a new chapter in a novel, suspense you do not suspect all the ins and outs.

The couple and the family recomposed

We seldom choose the moment to "fall back in love". New love can come too soon or too late. It can come when the divorce is not really consumed, provoke the anger of the children, arouse strong reactions in the ex and the new spouse who discovers who is your ex, astonish your family and your friends ... The couple and the recomposed family has many pitfalls that did not exist in the first couple and the first family. Even in cases of shared custody and educational values agreement, the child may have to deal with harmful traps. For them or do not accept the new spouse and they refuse to return to the other parent. Your new spouse's children may reject or challenge your authority and your right to be "there". You will have to get rid of old habits to create new ones with this new spouse, which may not always be easy. What will be the limits of this new extended family: who, for example, invite or exclude on birthdays and holidays? How to deal with three or four couples of parents for the organization of annual vacations? How to interact when ex, beautiful, half, big, new ones come together? What will become of the children who now have too many parents and grandparents?

After the first phase of fusion filled with optimism and hopes, you will have, just like the first time, to face the real life: loss of illusions, education, household chores, budget ... and many doubts on the choice of your second spouse. After a period of adaptation more or less long, more or less difficult, you will have a hard decision to take: break again or you commit definitely, despite all your differences; what you will only be able to do if you do not require a profound change. If you decide to consolidate this second couple, then you will be ready to form a new "We" emotionally (second marriage),

Today's blended families are perceived much more negatively than blended families of yesteryear, especially because they were after widowhood rather than after a divorce. These families were considered on the same footing as the others, whereas now they are often seen as sources of problems. That is why you will need more love, more faith, more courage, more stamina, more knowledge, more happy times. Do not to rebuild your life, because you can never start from scratch, but to continue it.