Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I am so desperate I can't take it anymore and had to write something. I could write volumes and don't know where to begin but I will just touch on the major issue for right now just to survive. I was in a relationship for 5 years with a woman I am completely and utterly obsessed and addicted to. She left me 10 month ago and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her, miss her, obsess over her or wonder how this all happened. She treated me terribly because of her Narcissistic nature and also has borderline personality disorder undiagnosed but i am convinced.
For 5 years I gave her my world and helped her with four children that were a wreck. Three boys into drugs and a daughter she leased a Mercedes for when she got her license that she has since wrecked twice. She quit her job as a Nurse to take care of all this disfunction and her Dad is supporting her. She will inherit a lot of money when he passes away and he is 91 now.
When she met me she threw herself at me and told me I was her best friend. We shared things she had never done with any other man and she idolized me. She told me that i was her best friend and what she always wanted in her life.
My best friend went out on the boat together with her and I and after talking to her he told me that she loved me so much I could do anything in the world to her and she would never leave me. She went on a cruise with her boys two years into our relationship and wrote me on her iPad and said she told everyone she met onboard the ship she was married to me and didn't want to be without me. She said she couldn't understand how I could accept her when she couldn't even accept herself and that's what keeps her at bay fearing my rejection.
She went on to say that the way that I looked at her and how beautiful I made her feel and the confidence I instilled in her was like nothing else she had felt before.
Fast forward to last August when she invited me to go away for my Birthday on Monday and she was planning a trip for us and asked how does Friday Sat Sunday sound. I told her that was great and I had taken two weeks off. On Thursday when I hadn't heard from her I told her I didn't know what was going on and that she was the only one with the answers and that i didn't know why she was not talking to me like she used to and that I didn't want to play these games anymore and that I missed the sound of her voice and asked her to please call me.
You know the end of the story. She texted me on Monday and asked if i was in town and told me i need to take her name off the joint bank account we had and that I could come get my clothes and things from her house.
When i called her and told her i didn't know what she was talking about she said she realized she would never marry me and if she lived with me she would kill me. She said I was socially awkward and didn't have any friends and if all her friends were to choose someone for her it wouldn't be me. On the other hand one of her friends asked her "So you going to leave him, someone who loves you completely and would take care of you forever in order to be alone. She told me Yes, that is what she was going to do otherwise we would go back and forth forever. She had broken up with me several times but always came back because she had never been taken care of so well as she was with me. She said she hated me because I was better than her. She also said she realized she was just stringing me along because I was to easy and one of us had to break this so it was going to be her and that she wanted to be the one to chase.
On the flip side when we were together I would bring her Gardenias from my bush at my house and she would put them in a bowl by her bed and tell me that they were one of the flowers she wanted to have at our wedding. She said I could just buy her a simple ring every year and ask her to marry her so that way we would always be engaged and each year the way i asked would be different.
Also in February she went out with a guy she had slept with that was a friend that she threw herself at after her divorce because she thought she was broken and just needed to get over her marriage. He was recently divorced but didn't want to have a relationship with her but he slept with her and told her she was lousy in bed. I destroyed her so much she chased him for a year and after she got her breast job she got back together with him once more but he still didn't want her but slept with her. She dated five guys on match.com over the next year and every two months they dumped her and she said when she met me if it didn't work out she was going to be alone. Well, she threw herself at me and after a 20 year relationship also where my wife cheated on me i was hesitant to get into a relationship but she sold herself well and adored me. She told me when she met me she didn't want to be in a relationship and yet we were together for five years. What do you call that.
I know i skipped a bit about the guy she went out with behind my back that told her she was lousy in bed and when I saw the text she went to dinner with him and texted him at the end of the night "Thanks for a wonderful evening I'll see you again soon and he said yes, it was nice, lets hangout again. When i saw the text i didn't tell her but since i had her phone checking out what version it was so i could order the glass to fix the back of it (Good ole me, always taking care of her) she must have saw the look i gave her and known i saw the text because when i left she blew up my phone and told me of all the plans she had for us to share on Valentines day and asked if I would come over for dinner she wanted to make for me. I didn't give her anything but she gave me 150 dollars worth of gifts.
She was very loving to me and thats when i threw it out there and told her i saw the text that she went out with that guy behind my back and she said it was because she wanted to know why he didn't want her. Conveniently she had also found out he had broken up with his girlfriend.
Why do people insist on throwing themselves at others that don't want them when they have something wonderful right in front of them. I spent 5 years taking care of her, rebuilding her house and being a father to all her fucked up children and this is the thanks I get. I am devastated. I loved her so much and she told me she loved me. I know, I know. All that crap about actions speak louder than words but she was really good at what she did. She destroyed my self esteem and self worth and I don't know if i will survive this loss.
I'll finish for now but one more tidbit. About a year into our relationship she told me the movie The Notebook broke her marriage because she knew she would never be loved like that (a 22 year marriage with an alcoholic husband that didn't love her and went out drinking with his buddies and didn't even eat the dinner she left on the table for him) but then she said when she met me the movie didnt make her sad anymore because now she know what it feels like to have that kind of love.
Just got back from our familys condo so i could work on the boat and spent the night alone in a place worth a million with a million dollar ocean view and I wonder why I wasn't good enough. Just because Im not rich like her father, maybe i was too nice, or was so afraid of losing her i didn't tell her to go fuck herself when she treated me badly. Maybe that would have made her respect me more. I just don't know but don't care because she is gone and i feel like i failed and i have lots of women interested in me but i am an empty vacant soul with no feeling left. i don't want anyone else but her and it's killing me. We were really good together and she is 53 and i am 53 and i wonder what she is going to find out there in this cruel, cruel world. I really loved her. I can't believe she is gone. Sorry letter is so abstract. Just so many thoughts.
For 5 years I gave her my world and helped her with four children that were a wreck. Three boys into drugs and a daughter she leased a Mercedes for when she got her license that she has since wrecked twice. She quit her job as a Nurse to take care of all this disfunction and her Dad is supporting her. She will inherit a lot of money when he passes away and he is 91 now.
When she met me she threw herself at me and told me I was her best friend. We shared things she had never done with any other man and she idolized me. She told me that i was her best friend and what she always wanted in her life.
My best friend went out on the boat together with her and I and after talking to her he told me that she loved me so much I could do anything in the world to her and she would never leave me. She went on a cruise with her boys two years into our relationship and wrote me on her iPad and said she told everyone she met onboard the ship she was married to me and didn't want to be without me. She said she couldn't understand how I could accept her when she couldn't even accept herself and that's what keeps her at bay fearing my rejection.
She went on to say that the way that I looked at her and how beautiful I made her feel and the confidence I instilled in her was like nothing else she had felt before.
Fast forward to last August when she invited me to go away for my Birthday on Monday and she was planning a trip for us and asked how does Friday Sat Sunday sound. I told her that was great and I had taken two weeks off. On Thursday when I hadn't heard from her I told her I didn't know what was going on and that she was the only one with the answers and that i didn't know why she was not talking to me like she used to and that I didn't want to play these games anymore and that I missed the sound of her voice and asked her to please call me.
You know the end of the story. She texted me on Monday and asked if i was in town and told me i need to take her name off the joint bank account we had and that I could come get my clothes and things from her house.
When i called her and told her i didn't know what she was talking about she said she realized she would never marry me and if she lived with me she would kill me. She said I was socially awkward and didn't have any friends and if all her friends were to choose someone for her it wouldn't be me. On the other hand one of her friends asked her "So you going to leave him, someone who loves you completely and would take care of you forever in order to be alone. She told me Yes, that is what she was going to do otherwise we would go back and forth forever. She had broken up with me several times but always came back because she had never been taken care of so well as she was with me. She said she hated me because I was better than her. She also said she realized she was just stringing me along because I was to easy and one of us had to break this so it was going to be her and that she wanted to be the one to chase.
On the flip side when we were together I would bring her Gardenias from my bush at my house and she would put them in a bowl by her bed and tell me that they were one of the flowers she wanted to have at our wedding. She said I could just buy her a simple ring every year and ask her to marry her so that way we would always be engaged and each year the way i asked would be different.
Also in February she went out with a guy she had slept with that was a friend that she threw herself at after her divorce because she thought she was broken and just needed to get over her marriage. He was recently divorced but didn't want to have a relationship with her but he slept with her and told her she was lousy in bed. I destroyed her so much she chased him for a year and after she got her breast job she got back together with him once more but he still didn't want her but slept with her. She dated five guys on match.com over the next year and every two months they dumped her and she said when she met me if it didn't work out she was going to be alone. Well, she threw herself at me and after a 20 year relationship also where my wife cheated on me i was hesitant to get into a relationship but she sold herself well and adored me. She told me when she met me she didn't want to be in a relationship and yet we were together for five years. What do you call that.
I know i skipped a bit about the guy she went out with behind my back that told her she was lousy in bed and when I saw the text she went to dinner with him and texted him at the end of the night "Thanks for a wonderful evening I'll see you again soon and he said yes, it was nice, lets hangout again. When i saw the text i didn't tell her but since i had her phone checking out what version it was so i could order the glass to fix the back of it (Good ole me, always taking care of her) she must have saw the look i gave her and known i saw the text because when i left she blew up my phone and told me of all the plans she had for us to share on Valentines day and asked if I would come over for dinner she wanted to make for me. I didn't give her anything but she gave me 150 dollars worth of gifts.
She was very loving to me and thats when i threw it out there and told her i saw the text that she went out with that guy behind my back and she said it was because she wanted to know why he didn't want her. Conveniently she had also found out he had broken up with his girlfriend.
Why do people insist on throwing themselves at others that don't want them when they have something wonderful right in front of them. I spent 5 years taking care of her, rebuilding her house and being a father to all her fucked up children and this is the thanks I get. I am devastated. I loved her so much and she told me she loved me. I know, I know. All that crap about actions speak louder than words but she was really good at what she did. She destroyed my self esteem and self worth and I don't know if i will survive this loss.
I'll finish for now but one more tidbit. About a year into our relationship she told me the movie The Notebook broke her marriage because she knew she would never be loved like that (a 22 year marriage with an alcoholic husband that didn't love her and went out drinking with his buddies and didn't even eat the dinner she left on the table for him) but then she said when she met me the movie didnt make her sad anymore because now she know what it feels like to have that kind of love.
Just got back from our familys condo so i could work on the boat and spent the night alone in a place worth a million with a million dollar ocean view and I wonder why I wasn't good enough. Just because Im not rich like her father, maybe i was too nice, or was so afraid of losing her i didn't tell her to go fuck herself when she treated me badly. Maybe that would have made her respect me more. I just don't know but don't care because she is gone and i feel like i failed and i have lots of women interested in me but i am an empty vacant soul with no feeling left. i don't want anyone else but her and it's killing me. We were really good together and she is 53 and i am 53 and i wonder what she is going to find out there in this cruel, cruel world. I really loved her. I can't believe she is gone. Sorry letter is so abstract. Just so many thoughts.
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/
It was really helpful for me in dealing with an ex who I also think was BPD. It is chock full of information and the message boards are really helpful because just about everyone on there has a very similar story. If you truly think she is BPD, educate yourself, so that you can truly see the relationship for what it was. There is a reason you were with her, and a reason she was with you. You each fulfilled an unhealthy need in each other, and the sooner you can identify what it was, the sooner you can work on it so you don't fall in with someone else who has BPD. You don't want to keep repeating this cycle.
You have been painted black (splitting), as was I, and your recovery seems to be falling along the same lines as mine did. It takes a long time to get over someone with BPD because of the way they make you feel-you are their rescuer, knight in shining armor, etc. They put you on such a high pedestal, and the fall off that pedestal is usually abrupt, unexpected and harsh. It's as cruel as cruel can be because people with BPD don't feel the way normal people do. It is usually a very co-dependent and toxic relationship, and unhealthy from the start. As you eventually heal and recover from it, you will realize that, but it is going to take a very long time. It took me almost as long to heal from my relationship with the guy who I think was BPD as the length of the relationship itself (relationship was a year and a half, recovery was a year).
Be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself. If you haven't already, get yourself to a therapist. It will help to recognize what it is that needs work, and will help you process the breakup. Do not have any contact with her, she may or may not try and contact you. Keep in mind that the relationship you were in was an abusive one-emotionally, at least. People with BPD do not know how to have healthy relationships or truly love another person. They are too damaged. Their "victims" are playthings. Do everything you can to prevent this in the event that she may try and suck you back in. Get your boundaries up, and as I said before, do not have any contact with her. I actually had to block phone number and emails to prevent him from contacting me, even though he was the one that broke it off.
People with BPD are MASTER MANIPULATORS. Do everything you can to protect yourself. Right now, you want nothing but to be with her, but trust me, once you have gone through the healing process, you will realize that this breakup was the best thing you could ever have happen. If you would have married this woman, the things you went through with her-the instability, cheating, manipulation-would have been your life. They are not capable of change without serious therapy.
Gentle hugs.
Holy Smokes! Out of curiosity I followed the link you provided and did some reading. I think my stbx w is BPD !!! I was struggling to explain to myself how she could be so callous and her actions in the relationship be so extreme and final. I feel somewhat vindicated after reading that material and I thank you for the info.
You deserve better...who cares about her inheritance...she will go blow it on any guy that makes her feel good for the moment and I'm sure you are not the only guy she is USING.
I'm diagnosed with a lot of mental illness....but I know how to articulate my true feelings and I know how to play games as well.
I'm so sick of people using mental illness as an excuse. In the caveman days....there was no such thing..if it were caveman days...I would knock her over the head with a club and drag her off and leave her with another guy who MIGHT put up with her crap.
You say..maybe if you were like this or like that...NO...you are who you are and she is a lunatic..with no purpose or focus.
Let her go...she only contacts you when it is to her benefit...something better is waiting for you out there...and you won't find it if your mind and soul is "chained" to someone who obviously is not interested in anyone but herself.