So my cheating ex-partner and I didn't communicate for a month. Then a few days ago I got an email from him. Friendly--he's going to Ireland for awhile, how am I? How's my daughter. "We'll never get over each other". We emailed back and for a few times the next 2 days, then Saturday I didn't hear from him at all. And all the sick feelings came back. All the times he wouldn't answer the phone when I called, or wouldn't call me all day, or acted like I was bothering him at work. All the horrible feelings I got when things were falling apart between us. When I knew he was on the phone or the internet with this cyber woman he was seting with and didn't have time for me. And how he'd deny it, so we couldn't even talk it over or try to work on it. How much that hurt.

Before I heard from him I'd been writing him an email. About how much I loved him, and how happy I was, all the fun we had, the adventures we went on, the jokes we shared, the little intimacies of life of a couple in love. And how that all started to change when he took up with this woman, and kept lying to me about it. How it was like he was a different person--some cold stranger who didn't care that he was hurting me. Who was chipping away at our relationship, which was so precious to me, like it meant nothing, how he became distant, stopped making love with me. How he'd done this before, and I didn;t understand what was wrong with him that he had to keep doing to us. How much I wanted the man he had been back. How I searched for him in the man he'd become, but couldn't find him. Just some stranger looking at me through his beautiful blue eyes. And how I finally had to end it even though it broke my heart, because it felt like torture, but I would always remember and love the man he had been. But to please never contact me again.

I had written it more for me than for him. But after thinking it over, and realizing that, the way he was contacting me, he didn't seem to think what he did was wrong. No apologies, no remorse--just let's start over again and in time I'll win you back. And I couldn't let that happen. I could never trust him again not to hurt me. So I sent the email to him.

Last night, just before bed, I got a really angry email from him. I could tell from the misspellings, the capitalization, the tone, that he was furious. I'd never seen this from him before. We weren't going to email anymore. He never wanted to hear from me again. This was his last email ever to me.

Oh god that hurt! I didn't want him to hate me, to be angry at me. I was hoping he'd just understand that as much as I loved him, that I understood there was something wrong with him, and I forgave him for that, but I couldn't go through the pain anymore, and I'd never be able to go through it again.

I was shocked by how angry he was. I'd never seen this side of him before. I don't know. I calmly wrote back that I was sorry we had to end this way. To take care of himself. And that I love him. That's it. It's over for good now.

While I know its for the best,  I am so broken up that we ended up in a place of anger. I wish I could understand why he was so mad--was he angry or hurt or what?  

I wish him well. I love him. I hope he gets help. Nothing more I can do. I so wish we could have talked this all over a long time ago, before it got so bad.