IDK and I wasn't even cheated on. There seems so much to balance...kids, jobs, money, I may just wait until the kids are grown.

Geesh....now I'm more confused than ever. Can I be both for myself?

good love comes naturally. two people with pure hearts won't even have to think about it.

trust your future self to be able to wing it.

why are you reading books when your heart already knows how to love and be loved and how to fully commit?

we live in an age of intellectualism. that is, how to take the simple and make it complex. lol pitch the books!!

Opposite of co-dependency is independent. However interdependancy would be the best in a relationship - no?

Ya skwerl whyd you have to start this my brain hurts now.

This is a hard one I find myself avoid relationships because I am afraid of being hurt. But I do know to much independence is very lonley and we have to learn to trust people and let them in.

I LOVE the term "Interdependent" - Everything on Earth is Interdependent. Nothing can survive in a vaccuum. You already know how to be interdependent - it's what you are when you eat a farmer's food, talk to your child's nurse or teacher, buy anything.

@faithful - I hope it comes natually.. I feel like I've never known a healthy relationship. I got married when I was 20, never known anything other than our mutual codependent dysfunction. I don't think I do know how to love or be loved? Not the healthy way anyway.. ugh.. I thought I did, but that all came crashing down. The more I learn now, the more I see was wrong with my marriage, and both of us.

lol maybe I am being a little too insecure.. I know I just need to get out there (when I'm ready) and learn/experience, but I want to be at least a little prepared I guess.

skwerl- you are echoing my thoughts exactly!

In my mind dependency speaks of expectations and when we have expectations we set ourselves up for disappointment...

The term "interdependent" speaks to me in a manner of which I can take care of myself and meet my own needs but anyone who flows into my life and offers "enhancement" is welcome, appreciated, and a gift. I do not "need" them but I reap the benefits of their presence in my life. If they go away I will continue on, be OK and continue to take care of myself...

My goal is to be a well oiled machine, to have a grip on my life... I try to design my life so that I don't NEED someone to make it or be OK. For instance I bought a car where they offer loaners etc.. when it needs to be serviced. Handled no problem!

If someone showed up I would not need rescuing hence I will not attract a rescuer...

For me it's another way of saying "self sufficient, Self realized. Self defined and confident within ones self, with NEED of another to be completed"

"Interdependence is and ought to be as much the ideal of man as self-sufficiency. Man is a social being. Without interrelation with society he cannot realize his oneness with the universe or suppress his egotism. His social interdependence enables him to test his faith and to prove himself on the touchstone of reality."
Mahatma Gandhi, Young India,

ooooops!!!!
"with "OUT" NEED of another to be completed"



Wickpedia:

Interdependence is a dynamic of being mutually and physically responsible to, and sharing a common set of principles with, others. This concept differs distinctly from "dependence" in that an interdependent relationship implies that all participants are emotionally, economically, ecologically and or morally "interdependent." Some people advocate freedom or independence as a sort of ultimate good; others do the same with devotion to one's family, community, or society. Interdependence recognizes the truth in each position and weaves them together. Two states that cooperate with each other are said to be interdependent. It can also be defined as the interconnectedness and the reliance on one another socially, economically, environmentally and politically.

I am so ashamed, codependency is can't get over other half? If so, independent will seek same in opposite. Cause, I might still way of on all codependency definition.

BP - I think it's historically a term used for people that support others with addictions, but it's become a pretty general term for any kind of negative self defeating behavior in relationships or life really.

"...an addiction to people, behaviors, or things."

So yes, if you can't get over the other half, addicted if you will, that could be considered codependence. If you're addicted to negative behaviors could also be considered codependence I guess.

Lou your words on interdependence are freakin awesome. The book compares interdependence to a team of draft horses..
"In harness each pulls his own weight, each does his own thing, but he does it synchronously with the others. He works fully independently, and yet he is fully dependent upon the moves and the work of his teammates. Just as the well-matched team of horses functions in concert, so do the relationships of a healthy, noncodependent adult --- including that amazing creature, the human adult in love."

Jesus, this is one of the best posts I've read in a long time and in completely makes sense! I totally agree that relationships should, fundamentally, be interdependent. I can see where the balance of independence/dependence was very outweighed in my marriage as he was better at the independent part, and I was too dependent on him in some ways. Hence, the arguments about him have a ton of extracurriculars, etc.
I also like the reply that said that being independent, but people enhancing you...that was awesome. I never felt I "needed" my husband like I couldn't function without him, I always felt he was someone I wanted and loved in my life who made it better.
Damn it, this was good stuff.

As much as I hate to admit I had them in the first place, I think I need to let go of my romantic-fantasy perceptions/expectations of an intimate relationship..