By 50/50 custody do you mean actual sleep overs...bc that is what you are going to have to do. My ex wanted it and I argued on it because due to his schedule with being on call, overtime, his student liason job, and of course making time for his OW, that would not benefit the children (or me) at all. He would have to get a babysitter on those days instead of me having them. Now that being said, I have primary custody, but he can take them whenever he feels like it, but often does so when it's convienent for him. Now I also enabled that bc I have not pushed the issue. I can say my kids are messed up bc of his bulls**t and then some, but have turned this all around to blame me.

If you can do 50/50 and can work it out--great. Some do a week on a week off, but for me that would have been too long. Some do three on four off, or some combination thereof. That's for you to work out. I know many states and courts are now pushing the 50/50 ruling, as when I went through my divorce, they had changed those laws here. I would advise to do what you feel is in the best interest of the children.

In no way should she be using the kids as pawns, as hard as it is, you have to try to separate the emotional part from them. I know I have done that initially but you need to step back and look at the big picture for the children. You will be coparents from now until doomsday so best to get this worked out.

My situation is different in that my STBX wife and I are still pretty civil. The very first thing we both agreed on was that in all aspects, the kids will come first. We actually worked out an arrangement called nesting. The kids stay at the house full time and she and I switch between the house and apartment every other week. That plan only works if both parties are absolutely willing to put ego aside for the kids.

We're doing mediation. The thing I like about that is mediation is not a winner take all thing. It's all about compromise. A good mediator will be able to see when one party is trying to railroad the other and will stop it. By the way, most courts will have people do mediation before it goes to trial anyway, so she will gain nothing by refusing to do it. And if one side is being vindictive, that will become obvious really quickly.

Things to remember (and your STBX needs to be reminded of this too). Just because the marriage is ending, it doesn't mean you won't see each other. If you are both involved in your kids lives, then you have concerts, graduations, weddings, birthdays, and a slew of other things that you will both be attending. Like it or not, you will see each other many, many times for the rest of your lives. When we took that into consideration, it was obvious to both of us that it made more sense to work together than turn it into a bitter, venomous battle.

Don't make your kids choose sides. My parents had such a bitter divorce that they couldn't even be in the same room. So one or the other missed a lot of their kids and grandkids birthdays and such. Seems kind of childish to me.

Looking at other reasons why keeping both involved is important- look at pretty much any statistics on line. Kids NEED both parents in their life. Again, I'm not talking about situations where one is an abuser, addict, alcoholic or something like that.

Regardless, I would consult with an attorney because even if you do mediation, you will want one to look over the agreements before they are submitted to a court.

I do wish you luck. I can never understand why one parent would use their kids as a bargaining chip.

wow prospero thats what we did with our 2 yr old the first year of our separation, except it was alternating days

i'm so excited to hear someone else has done it too

my exhusband wanted traditional custody (every 2nd weekend) but our son was at that stage where the sun rose and set with his dad, he'd be waiting for him at the window everyday to come home from work, it broke my heart thinking about how much he'd miss his dad ..so i talked my exhusband into the nesting first and shared custody after

everyone thought we were nuts, it was unheard of around here at the time (15 yrs ago), both our families, friends coworkers thought i was off my rocker when we told them but its been the best thing for our son

i thought he'd get sicxk of having 2 homes, but i think because its all he's really known he doesnt want to change it

and he and his dad have a really close relationship

i hope you get what youre aiming for BFT

(hugs)

I went to court for full cutody of our 14 mth old at the time because the ex was very unstable at the time of separation (threatened suicide on more then one occasion - once with a loaded fire arm in front of me & my daughter). The judge gave him 50/50 anyways. Two years later it is working out for the best. Had he just been stable to begin with we could have saved thousands on lawyers & court. We have a 2 - 2 - 3 schedule. We switch on Sunday, Tuesday, & Thursday nights. She is 3 now. He wanted week on week off but even the mediator said she was too young for that.