Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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JenDavidson 01/30/2009

Well, my STBX has been the only father figure my 11-year old has known since she was 7 months old. Her real father is serving a 16-year sentence for trying to kill me.

My question is now - my STBX is a total jerk to me, but I know he loves her. Every time we have split in the past, I just left it up to them as far as their relationship..like if she wanted to talk to him - I would let her and vice versa.

Now, I'm wondering if that's such a good idea. I mean, he is not her real father and I'm definitely never going to be with him again, so do I let them continue...I have the feeling that he will just kind of phase her out of his life.

She wants to go spend the night there tonight because she misses her dog. I guess I'm letting her go, but I will be sick to my stomach the whole time she's there.

Am I just being selfish, or what's the right thing to do?

deleted_user 01/30/2009

Where is she going? to jail.

deleted_user 01/30/2009

You don't half-to be a father in order to be a dad. If they have that kind of relationship, then let them have it. Just becouse you two don't get along doesn't mean that they don't. Do you relize how many deadbeat dads are out there??? Let her have her daddy. If the ex decides to phase her out, then that will be his own doing and it will leave you in the clear with your kid...

deleted_user 01/30/2009

My mistake. As long as you know he is not going to hurt her than what harm will it do.

MonkeyB0y 01/30/2009

I would say let the relationship continue. She loves him and he is her father figure right now. This period in her life is very important to her.

deleted_user 01/30/2009

Hi Jen, I would let her if that is what she wants to do. He may not be her real father but he is all she knows. It may be a bumpy right at first for all of you. but hopefully you all can adjust.

***hugs to you

deleted_user 01/30/2009

I don't understand what the problem is. For you to refuse, just because he is not her biological father would be using your daughter to hurt him! It would hurt your daughter more than him anyway and in the long run, they will see each other when she gets older and she will harbor horrible feelings for you for keeping them apart! Live with your concience, is all I can say!

hurtinandhealin2560 01/30/2009

My brother's first wife came to the marriage with two children. After 10 years of marriage, my brother and his wife split. My brother still has a very good relationship with his former step-children (one even came to live with him for a short time a few years ago).

Let them decide the perimeters of their relationship. Perhaps he thinks of her as his daughter.

Just my two cents.

deleted_user 01/30/2009

When my stbx and I split, I was in the same boat, kind of. He and I weren't getting along but he is the only father figure she knew and had. She calls him dad, etc..

I let her go, not only because it was really the right thing to do, but because again, he's her dad in her eyes.

If he phases out then he phases out, but what if he doesn't? Breakups are harder on kids then they are on us, even though they might not show it.

I'm not telling you what to do, but I would let them continue the relationship.

JenDavidson 01/30/2009

Thanks so much for your replies. I am not a cold-hearted person to not let her go... It's just that it seems like he never contacts her unless she contacts him first - so it makes me wonder if he is just feeliing guilty and really wants to cut the ties. He would never admit to it, but then again, he didn't want to admit to me that he no longer loved me - I had to practically drag it out of him so that I could have the peace I needed and leave him.

deleted_user 01/30/2009

I want my STBX to be involved in my sons life and I definitely want to be involved with his son because I raised him. I know if I did not get to see him it would hurt me deeply. So I guess I'm sayin if he's good to her it might be a good thing

deleted_user 01/30/2009

If that is the case, she has to contact him all the time, sooner or later she will figure that out for herself and pull away from him. Or, possibly, when things calm down between you and him, he may pick up the pace with her. Either way, if you don't let her go, she will view you as the bad guy and reset you for it. Let him do the screwing up if that is what is meant to be.

deleted_user 01/30/2009

I would just let it play our naturally. If he doesn't really want to continue the relationship, she will sense it, and vice versa.

deleted_user 01/30/2009

out

play out naturally

deleted_user 01/30/2009

I would say see how it goes, I would think yanking him out of her life would be more traumatic than the possibility the relationship might phase out.

deleted_user 01/30/2009

My stbx hasn't wanted anything to do with my 2 older kids and he was their stepdad since they were 3 and 4. And I'm not allowed to have a relationship with his daughter. It hurts so much because I still love her alot. I don't know how he can do this to the kids. It's not their fault. Anyway, I think you should let them have a relationship if they still want to. HUGs to you. I know this is hard!

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