Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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kdMac 05/01/2009

I am going to be divorced soon (we separated 3/1 and will likely be divorced by 6/1)- it's going fairly well so far (thank god!)- but I am curious about the custody issue. I will have total custody (physical and legal) but of course want the kids' father to maintain some contact (currently he sees them for about 1-3 hours a week). He is not capable of making (consistently) appropriate decisions- (i.e. if he feels he has needs- his come first- always!)- so when he gives up his parental rights- if he is trying to be manipulative- legally he will have no say if I have to set limits with him, correct? Is there anyone else who has sole custody- but has an ex that is not completely stable? How do you handle the down cycles?
The thought of the kids getting caught up in his mind games makes me sick to stomach!

deleted_user 05/01/2009

Wow, you can get divorced that fast in Maine? Down here you have to be separated a minimum of 6 months, one year if kids are involved.

I think if he gives up his parental rights and you get full legal and physical custody, he'll have no say in the kids lives. I would be careful kd, he may think if does that he won't have to pay child support.

I don't know how any person could consider giving up their parental rights. That's a darn shame. Hugs to you and your kids.

deleted_user 05/01/2009

((((K))), my daughter was older and he only saw her once a week for an hr on Saturday. That lasted for a few months. He hasn't seen her for the last 4. She is almost 18 and is aware. I am hoping that someone can come in and give you some good advice. I can only send a big hug, Kimmee

deleted_user 05/01/2009

I believe it varies from State to State, but, I believe full legal and physical custody allows you to call all the shots, period. Others here will know better, perhaps having had the same experience, but full legal custody is comprehensive; he is relinquishing his rights. That I do know, as I was in a position to seek that but did not.

Do your best to put the kids needs first, as difficult as he may make it to do. You know your STBX.

Relax. Let it unfold. Hugs and strength to you.

deleted_user 05/01/2009

I don't know the answers. Will he still have to pay CS? Will he still keep them on health insurance?

deleted_user 05/01/2009

Actually, that is a good point to raise, sld.

kd, Is he having his parental rights taken away? If then, I believe the Courts do not recognize him as the father and you might lose CS.

Have you questioned this with Counsel?

kdMac 05/01/2009

Thanks everyone- I know I can only control so much... but I just want to protect my kids! My stbx's behavior was hard to manage living under the same roof- now it just worries me what he will try and pull when he is alone with the kids (I hate to restrict his alone time with them- but if he makes questionable decisions- I will have to!).

SouthernFrank- in Maine you can get divorced after a 60 day waiting period following the other party being served. He was officially served on 3/21 so we will see (our initial hearing is on Tuesday). My attorney knows we need to move the divorce along quickly- my stbx has a narcissistic personality disorder- and he can get very nasty if he feels like things are not going his way. Right now we are doing okay- but I am walking on eggshells to avoid making him mad.

sld1
My stbx works for an insurance company and it costs him next to nothing to have the kids on his insurance- so as long as he keeps his job (and doesn't get fired), he has agreed to keep covering them. He just found out about child support today but that conversation did not go as well. I agreed to cut what he owes in half if he promises to play nice because I just want him to move on... I think I can make it without the total amount (and I really don't think he can afford the higher amount- he has a lot of credit card debt) and it wouldn't be worth it to have him be angry with me (he can be very vindictive)... he has agreed so far. Right now, he has a very limited relationship with the kids- he doesn't ever take the kids for any length of time (i.e. more than 1-2 hours at a time)and he doesn't have an apartment that they can even really visit. He only visits the kids at my house or he will take them for activities in the community. He doesn't do any daily care for them- ever.

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