having a good counselor is life altering. at least it has been for me. it sounds like you are going to go into group counseling, and not individual.
when you get there, you will fill out some paperwork.
when you get called back to the counselor, usually they review your paperwork, see why you are there and ask individually what you hope to get out of being there. this helps to set goals.
sometimes they give you "homework" - although not usually at the first session - simple things like watching your behavior/actions in one area, etc. the group counseling i went to i think was 90 minutes. an individual session is usually 50. this depends on the practice and the therapist.

it takes awhile (a few sessions) to see if this therapist is someone you can trust - build rapport with. finding a good therapist is a tough job - but so worth it in the long run. my therapist who i found when i started doing therapy for my rapes took awhile to find - i went to at least half a dozen therapists before i came across her. later on when i started emdr i believe i had a stroke of good luck and i stuck with her. it really just depends on the person.

make sure they specialize in the type of counseling you are seeking out too. i am proud of you for giving this a shot - i hope you get out of it what you need to. best of luck. keep us posted. xoxo

Having a counselor is like having a good priest (if you are religious). You get to talk about and confess things that you wouldn't or couldn't tell family or friends. No matter how well you are doing, it is good to just release some pent up issues you may have.

On that note, if you are not interested in reconciling with your ex, I am not sure going to a session with him is going to be productive. If your mind is made up it's made up, if on the other hand you start to change your mind, you will churn up feelings you may not want to deal with. Also, you may be giving him false hope that there is a chance you could reconcile.

I had that experience with my STBX. I went for myself initially (to prepare for a divorce she knew nothing about) and she decided she wanted to go. That gave me hope that we could work it out, when she was just waffling and eventually decided to go her own way.

Like I said in another thread. The ex's (married and other) that I was with that told me or cut off the relationship without waffling are the ones I respect the most. It also allowed me to move on quicker, than if they were still in my life dangling promises they couldn't keep.

My advice (take with a shaker of salt), is to go to counseling for yourself and to reiterate that you have moved on and he needs to as well. It would be better for both of you in the long run.

As for getting your chance to speak, if he wasn't listening before, chances are, he won't be listening now.

It would probably just exacerbate your existing frustration with him.

*shaker of salt, provided*

Thanks for your responses. I have a better idea of what is coming. I guess if I have someone in the middle that can say take over where I left off, then I would feel better for him. He is so dependant on me and I fear he will just crumble without me. It's not ego and I just can't stand to hurt someone like that. But he is sucking the life out of me.

My STBX does the same to me. Needy and very dependent and can be extrememly smoothering at times. Won't go to counseling except when you don't want anything to do with them anymore. Then their begging and pleading for you not to leave them. If this helps, my STBX has been doing this for 26 years and he still does the same thing. They don't want change, they just don't want you to leave because they are afraid of being alone.

He will be just fine, they can cope more than you think they can.

For example: My STBX was pouting and not telling me what was wrong with him, wouldn't talk. I left the house to run an errand but had to go back because I forgot something. This was about 3 minutes later. I walk into the house and he's chatting it up on the phone like he was never upset. But in front of me, looks depressed and angry. They do that to manipulate you into getting what they want. I have a good therapist and she is helping me move on with my life and not giving in to the manipulations.

I hope this helped :)

If you don't want to go, it's not going to be productive. For counseling to work, both partners need to be willing to put in the work, and WANT to do it. In the beginning my ex wanted to do counseling, and I didn't. Then later on at the end of the relationship, it was the opposite. He did counseling on his own, but it didn't really help anything because he was only doing it for me, not for himself. I have personally found individual counseling to be extremely beneficial for myself after the break up. Both partners need to be willing to speak and listen honestly for it to work though. Good luck!

When my ex and I started going to marriage counseling, I felt that the therapist was very biased toward my ex. It seemed that the majority of each session would deal with my ex's issues and what she thought of things etc. The therapist very much seemed to relate to my ex and not at all to me. It started out very uncomfortable for me. After a few couples sessions, we each started seeing the counselor for one on one sessions. These sessions were MUCH better and I was able to relate more of my feelings. Once the therapist had a better understanding of my concerns and feelings the couples sessions made better progress. The counseling ultimately didn't help to save our marriage but it did help me a LOT in dealing with my own feelings and pain over the divorce. The counselor told me later in some more individual sessions that the couples sessions focused around my ex more because he had bigger personal issues do deal with.

Couples counseling can help (but don't hold your breath that it alone will save the marriage) but I got much more out of the individual counseling that was associated with it until later in the counseling sessions. BTW, we did the couples counseling for over 6 months. I continued to see the same counselor for a while after the couples counseling because of the benefit it was to me personally. Good luck.

I agree with all these posters. I've been to marriage counseling for a few sessions with my husband 10 years ago. Nothing changed for very long, and then it got even worse (mean drinker - blames family for his problems). I left this summer. Then he wanted to try counseling again - said he faked his way through it the first time - duh! I said no, and went to my own counselor. Very helpful to me. He requested a substance abuse counselor, I found him one through my counselor and he went for awhile. After it finally dawned on him I wasn't coming back he quit. Never really had any intention of changing, just didn't want to lose what we had (whatever that was).

So glad I left. Now I can work on myself.