Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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Contacting Your Ex

heyvee
heyvee
My question to all of you:
If any of you have had any experience getting back in touch with your exes, what what your experience like?

When I finally got in touch with my ex asking to be friends, about three months after he broke up with me in January, he responded to my text saying "Hey! How have you been?!" (after repeatedly ignoring the texts I sent before that)

And I invited him to meet me at a bar that night after he enthusiastically responded to my text. He told me he would let me know and sounded very sweet...and then he didn't text me all day until 10pm. I went to the bar anyway with my friend hoping he would show up.
He texted me that he just showered and was on his way and then he never showed up.....

There were many times after that where he didn't respond to my texts.
He then texted me the next friday after ignoring my texts asking me what I was doing and I was busy so I wasn't able to see him.
He then texted me the following weekend randomly in the middle of the night, around 10:30 pm on a Saturday. And of course I was desperate to see him again and still in love with him so I rushed over his place.
We slept together and he told me he wanted to see me the following week and wanted me to start sleeping over again. He barely let me leave his apartment he seemed so happy to see me. And told me how much fun he had.
And then the following week I tried contacting him multiple times and I never heard from him again.....

He was just nice one moment, responding kindly in that text, then he would ignore me. Or he would tell me I was beautiful and that he wanted me to start sleeping over again, and then he just never contacted me again.
I blamed myself for being too "needy" and attached after hearing from him/seeing him and annoying him with all of my texts...making him feeling "pressured" to see me and be with me again.

Is this how people just typically behave after breaking up with someone? Did he have a right to behave that way? Did I drive him away from acting too attached?
I just can't stop blaming myself......What if I didn't bombard him with texts? Would we be together now?
heyvee
heyvee
Yes I was typing the same time lol! Well we weren't together for long and every time we argued he would tell me how much he loved me, etc. Right before we broke up he said he wanted to start over and then he broke up with me. I met him online, and two days after he broke up with me I found him there again. So he basically joined the same dating site we met on and created a new user name without even considering how it would affect me.....and every time I tried contacting hi foe the next few months he totally ignored me. And when he finally contacted me and we saw each other he is the one who kissed me first and then claimed to want to see me the following week. He didn't say that there's no chance he will never see me again or anything like that. He never gave me closure or tried to give me another chance or explain anything to me out of love. The only "closure" I got was when I called him two weeks after the breakup upset that he never responded to my goodbye texts and that he made a new profile on the online dating site already and all he said was, I think you're bipolar, you are just like my ex, I never want to be with you because I'll just be waiting for you to go crazy again, lets be friends. And then I tried to be his friend and see him but of course all of the feelings came back after he slept with me and told me he wanted to see me again.....and then never did. I guess I was just supposed to assume that he wanted to use me and sleep with me and then never see me again? But if that was his plan he shouldn't have told me he wanted to see me right?
jaclyn1973
jaclyn1973
He's done. He may be keeping his little toe in the door just in case...but he is done. You cannot beat yourself up with the "what ifs". You are putting yourself out there for him to use you and he is. You are glad to get whatever crumbs he drops cause you think it means things are ok...but it doesnt.
My ex would come over pretty much any time I want him to even though he's married to her now. I know he would and I'd like him to, but I'm not going to let MYSELF let him do that to me anymore.
I dont mean to be mean, but YOU are the one who contacted him the first time. You keep setting the stage for this and he's telling you what he knows you want to hear. NO CONTACT-there's a reason why it's a good thing.
candy36
candy36
Im going to be 100 % honest here run from that man!!!! Honestley u should have broke up with him ! Love is more then words its actions always rember that we can say i love u 1000 times... but u feel love you will know when someone truely loves you ! Rember actions speak louder then words he's the one with the problom here not u but at the same time dont stick around for him because u will continue to get hurt from what u just wrote.
Best of luck to u theres more people out there my advice to u move on u deserve better!!!
heyvee
heyvee
I am learning that I was wrong for wanting to be friends and contacting him after the breakup to begin with. I just couldn't let go of him. He told me he wanted to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me...that's all I could think about. All I wanted to do was change and prove to him that I was worth remaining with......you all are right. He did use me. He saw how desperate I was and he took advantage of that. And because he already made up his mind that he was done with me he didn't feel the need to consider my feelings anymore after hooking up with me. Leading me on and telling me he wanted to see me again was bullshit. It was a lie he told me just like the lie that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He used me because I let him. I just believed somehow that I could win him back instead of realizing that he will never change his mind......I do think I was clingy and I couldn't let go of him and he did whatever he wanted because he knew we weren't together anymore. I just feel like If I was in his shoes I wouldn't have treated my ex the way that he did. I just feel like a fool now. And everything hurts.
candy36
candy36
Can i ask you a question have u ever been married before? you wouldnt want to be married to someone like that once you marry its ALOT more difficult to get out when the damage is done hes damaged you and youre not married so just imagine .... just saying i know ive been thru it i am divorced
heyvee
heyvee
I haven't been married but I would have married him. We spoke about getting married in six months. Yeah I can't imagine what that would be like. You are so strong for overcoming what you did. And I just want to say, thank you all for being so supportive and lending your advice. I can't thank you enough
candy36
candy36
Seriousley think of some things that ive told you there is someone out there for you who deserves you ! Its a big world out there he didnt deserve you! Time to move forward and move on and one day you will look back and be glad you did im quite sure of that best of luck.
heyvee
heyvee
Many people have told me that he conned me and that his true colors came out when he broke up with me and how he acted after the breakup. Maybe he was bored when he decided to text me and use me for sex. But I do think it was wrong for him to compliment me and tell me how much fun he had and how he wanted me to "start sleeping over again" like I did when we were together if he intended on never seeing me again and throwing me away. A good person wouldn't have done those things. Maybe its not his responsibility to consider my feelings but I guess that's what separates the good people from the bad people. I can't help how I acted chasing after him after our breakup. I was hurt and thought I lost the love of my life and I wanted him back more than I ever wanted anything. I do think I am responsible for throwing myself in the lions den but I also know things could have ended differently. We could have either hung out without having sex or we could have gotten back together. None of those things happened and it sucks and it hurts....but I just know I would never screw around with someone's feelings the way he did with mine. He had the choice to never see again. He didn't have to lead me on and do any of those things. But that's what people who have no love or compassion do. They use others without any empathy. They make empty promises of marriage, they don't care about bringing closure to the person they hurt. They move on with their lives selfishly. I texted my ex friendly things after our breakup like congratulating him on his moms wedding and wishing him a happy Passover. I tried to be a "friend" even though I did want more after we slept together. I did all I could to rebuild any kind of contact with him through kindness. He decided he doesn't want me in his life "annoying" him anymore so I guess that's that. To go from asking me to marry him and meet his child and move in to complete neglect is so sad....i just need to live with the pain and move on.
milliejay
milliejay
So sorry for your situation. How you feel is very natural. I am going to say something you may not like - but such is life. You are very young - what you are going through has a lot to do with your young age. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be hurt - but what I am saying is, allow yourself to heal and next time around pace yourself. Don't give more love than you receive, don't make ppl your priority while they make you an option, etc. I think we all go through this type of hardship and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger - we live and learn. Just chill out for now, focus on you, go out w/friends - in other words - live life - stop letting this guy toy with you - and I bet he's young as well - so he's got a lot of growing up to do.
If you find that you continue to find yourself in relationships with this type of energy - seek counseling. You do sound codependent but since you are young it may have to do more w/age than with a personality issue.

Take care and good luck.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I don't stay friends. Some guys I "dated" short term ended it by not texting, or responding, so I can't figure out why I would even want friends like that.

I contact ex husband, but we have a kid, so he can't get rid of me that easy.

MUAHAHAHAHA (evil maniacal laugh)
deleted_user
deleted_user
You need to work on you... If this relationship is meant to be it'll be, but not until you are happy with you... Let him go completely. Tell yourself everyday that the man for you will be there when the time is right (if that turns out to be him, then great, if not, it means you've found someone even better). I know this sounds impossible, but by telling yourself that you are worth loving you will move on to live the life you're meant to.

I know how you feel, because I've been there with past loves & find myself back there again... Everyday I wake up and remind myself I'm worth loving, and someday the right man will come into my life & fight to keep me, until that day, I'll work on being happy with myself. I hope my ex comes back too, but only if he's ready and truly wants to love me....