Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
So it has been a little over a week since my wife and I decided to get divorced. This has affected me on an emotional level beyond anything I have ever experienced. Our relationship was really rough and things got really bad when she had an affair. We tried to pick up the pieces but things just did not work out. I have mentioned all this in my previous posts. I didn't really realize how she made me feel inadequate and I was so lonely because she got jealous when I went out and had forbidden me from speaking to other women when she is not around. My phone was constantly checked and numbers erased if she was suspicious.
She started showing signs of cheating on me again over the last year. She got her way with everything and drove me into this hole of loneliness and it still was not enough.
Anyway back to the present. Over the last week I started to reconnect with friends and I worked on my art and just started feeling better. A great weight has been lifted off my shoulders with regards to how I should feel emotionally. So I had to see my ex today with regards to my son and a school event that I need to take him to. Beyond talking about my son she started talking about her work and problems she was having. I listened and gave advice. She had this puzzled look on her face, got angry and asked me to leave. I was confused but ok I left. She sent me a bunch of messages on my phone. Mainly it came down to I am showing an interest in her when I never did before and I am confusing her. I have always been there for her in our marriage. But due to her controlling nature she did not see it that way. Well it is also the fact that I am feeling better about myself for the first time in about 5 years. I do believe I was there for her but because of the way I felt about the situation and myself she may have interpreted it wrong.
Ultimately we are both to blame for our relationship failing but now she is showing anger because I am changing back to the man I use to be. How do I avoid further conflict in this situation? I mean a lot of friends said she will do this but I thought it will take a little longer than a week.
Talk only about the business at hand. Financial,
Household or children. Nothing, NADA personal.
Text or email to keep from having to speak one
On one. Check your feelings, emotions and thoughts
At the door. Numb up when around her put yourself
Somewhere else. HUGS
For communications, go "grey rock." This is where you give very dry, non-emotional, non-detailed responses to her questions. Ideally, these communications occur via email, so it's good to encourage communication via email.
The responses you give are one of three: Yes, no, or contact my lawyer about that.
Also, if she writes an emotional email, and none of these responses fit, then it's okay to NOT respond. DO NOT listen to her problems, do NOT show her sympathy, and do NOT offer her advice. Do not try to comfort her, as her problems are no longer yours. She has already shown contempt for you, so you owe her nothing.
Yes. No. Contact my lawyer about that.
For anyone else who might read this, I went through the same thing when my ex was accusing me of cheating on her. I'd be greeted at the door, and the first thing she'd do was smell me. I'd get to hear things like, "You're FIVE MINUTES LATE! What's her name?" All I could say was, "Her name is THE BUS WAS LATE."
As it turned out, she was accusing me of cheating constantly, because she was busy cheating on me with her first ex-husband in exchange for cash. I think it's fair to assess that this makes her a lying whore, but I digress.
If someone is accusing you of cheating, and you have no idea where this is coming from, it's because they are the real cheaters.
Finally, I think chances are good that she'll use your son as a pawn against you. If you can afford it, then it would be a good idea to lawyer up. The State won't enforce visitation unless you have a lawyer screaming on your behalf. Otherwise, they ignore you.
Best of luck.