Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I've only been married to my husband for three years but that last two years have been extremely difficult. I also have a six year old daughter who calls him daddy which makes the idea of divorce that much harder. I go back and forth with wanting to leave him or wanting to stay, it depends on his mood most of the time that sways my thoughts.
The difference between the first year of marriage and the last two are; he's become an alcoholic, and when he drinks he's completely unbearable. He treats me horrible, talks down to me, calls me names, makes me feel completely inadequate and most of all, he's unfaithful. He's also a bad father, doesn't want to do anything with her, talks down to her sometimes and he's very unreasonable.
We've talked through issues many times, but I swear it's every other day we're sitting there in the bedroom trying to work things out and three days later he's drunk again. He'll acknowledge he has a drinking problem sometimes and try to quit but it never lasts for more than just a few days. He's full of broken promises. Other times, he'll scream at me, get pissed that i'm trying to talk to him about his drinking and says he'll never quit. The most honest thing he's probably ever said. He's made it clear, drinking is something he wouldn't let go for the world.
I feel like i deserve better, and i feel like my daughter deserves better. Most days I'm ready to be strong and move forward but if it ever came down to it, i'm not sure i'd be strong enough to leave. My mind starts wondering and I think about all those good times we did have, and how much I miss them. I wonder if we will ever get past our issues and move forward. I'm kidding myself, I have to be, he hasn't changed in two years, what makes me think he will this time?
How do you move on from something and someone who you love so deeply? How do you be strong enough for both yourself and your daughter?
Also, I must say as I type this and re-read what I wrote, I feel stupid. I feel like, i'm not trying hard enough with him and maybe i'm overreacting. I've ready other entries from people who've been married a lot longer than me, 15 years or more. Maybe, I'm giving up to quickly.
The difference between the first year of marriage and the last two are; he's become an alcoholic, and when he drinks he's completely unbearable. He treats me horrible, talks down to me, calls me names, makes me feel completely inadequate and most of all, he's unfaithful. He's also a bad father, doesn't want to do anything with her, talks down to her sometimes and he's very unreasonable.
We've talked through issues many times, but I swear it's every other day we're sitting there in the bedroom trying to work things out and three days later he's drunk again. He'll acknowledge he has a drinking problem sometimes and try to quit but it never lasts for more than just a few days. He's full of broken promises. Other times, he'll scream at me, get pissed that i'm trying to talk to him about his drinking and says he'll never quit. The most honest thing he's probably ever said. He's made it clear, drinking is something he wouldn't let go for the world.
I feel like i deserve better, and i feel like my daughter deserves better. Most days I'm ready to be strong and move forward but if it ever came down to it, i'm not sure i'd be strong enough to leave. My mind starts wondering and I think about all those good times we did have, and how much I miss them. I wonder if we will ever get past our issues and move forward. I'm kidding myself, I have to be, he hasn't changed in two years, what makes me think he will this time?
How do you move on from something and someone who you love so deeply? How do you be strong enough for both yourself and your daughter?
Also, I must say as I type this and re-read what I wrote, I feel stupid. I feel like, i'm not trying hard enough with him and maybe i'm overreacting. I've ready other entries from people who've been married a lot longer than me, 15 years or more. Maybe, I'm giving up to quickly.
Now let me say this. I am deeply in love with my husband and if you read my post you can get a glimpse into m life. Been married 15 years and we have 4 children together. Yesterday we spent a few hours on the boat with him until he ushered us to leave so he could secretly bring his girlfriend and her two kids on the boat with him. He had of course been lying t me and our kids about this other woman. Anyway that doesnt matter. My husband has mistreated me and our children for years. The first time he cheated and left me and the kids was 11 years ago. And it hasnt stopped. He has not changed no matter how hard I tried and no matter how much love or time I gave him. I was so scared of being alone and raising my kids alone that I allowed myself to let him keep coming back. I am now seeing the harm that staying with him caused not just for me but our kids as well. I say all that to say It hurts like hell right now but I wish I would have had the courage to leave him a long time ago. I have caused pain to myself and my kids by staying in a toxic relationship. I thought I was doing what was best and I thought that since I vowed to love him for better or worst it meant to stick it out no matter what. I was so wrong. So very wrong.
I wish you the best of luck in your situation and I will say pray about it and I will be praying for you. You have to do what is right for you and your daughter so think about the consequences. Gosh I sure wish I would have. Message me anytime if you need to talk.
Don't feel stupid you hurt, we all do here. Last night I had a horrible day and was able to release some of that pain by posting here. Do you have a couple of good friends you can rely on? Rely on them now. Talk this out, cry this out. Be strong for your little one. Be strong for you. But you can do this and still be vulnerable, and low. Remember to eat. Remember to care about you, remember to care about you being happy. You can do this! You are a strong woman.
memom421
This man is emotionally & verbally abusing you!
"...I feel like i deserve better, and i feel like my daughter deserves better.."
You & your daughter deserve so much better than this!
"...I feel like, i'm not trying hard enough with him and maybe i'm overreacting..."
None of this is your fault!
"...Maybe, I'm giving up to quickly..."
Leaving an abusive relationship is not giving up. Staying IN an abusive relationship is giving up!
hugs
You need to get out. I also have a 6 year old daughter, and I understand your fear for her, but try and look at it from this side of the coin. When she starts having relationships, the men she dates will be a lot like the primary "father" figure in her life, and her relationships with them will mirror your relationship with him. Do you want her to date a man like your husband? If your daughter sat you down and told you what you told us, what would you tell her? What would you want for her? Would you tell her to stay or go? Would you want her to stay or go? I hate to say it, but your marriage is only 3 years old, the longer your married, the harder it is to break the ties. Do you want to enable him to continue to treat you both the way he is by staying with him? It is hard to get out of an abusive relationship, and you are going to need a lot of counseling no matter what you decide, but you need to look at your child and do it for her. Most importantly, you are not stupid. You are not overreacting. Sometimes you just need to know when to get the hell out of dodge.
IMHO, his drinking and abuse is a deal breaker & he has broken his vows to you.
Unless and until he seeks help because HE WANTS TO GET BETTER, it will only get worse. No amount of your love will help or heal him. What I finally realized 36 yrs in was that my staying only enabled him to continue drinking. Two interventions and 1 1/2 rehab stints did NOTHING.
YOU CANNOT CURE (OR HELP) HIM
YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS
YOU CANNOT CONTROL IT
**************While his behavior is 90% of the problem, the other 10% is the drinking (or drugging or other addiction). Until and unless he completely stops the 10%, AND then gets the right help, he will never be able to change the 90%. Alcoholics will tell you what they think you want to hear. Then they will do what they damn well please. Then they're sorry. Then they repeat the behavior. It's a never ending cycle. ********************
Please pay attention to his actions. He is telling you who he is. Believe him! He sounds like a textbook abuser and alcoholic.
I know how hard it is to leave someone you love. I also know how scary it is. And I know the possible damage that can be done by staying. It's definitely a double edged sword. There are no easy answers.
Whether we think our kids are aware of what's going on or not, it is important to understand that kids are way smarter and more perceptive that we give them credit for.
Children learn what they live and live what they learn. Even if your husband doesn't directly abuse your child, your child is being hurt by witnessing his actions toward you. There are a bunch of studies out that children who only witness abuse can incur brain damage in the form of the hippocampus shrinking as much as 20%. This is also true for adults and can result in PTSD and the inability to see all of the options and/or make healthy decisions.
Whatever you decide, please seek counseling ASAP for you and your child with a qualified trauma release therapist. Do NOT do joint counseling. It does NOT work. Not with an abuser and absolutely not with an alcoholic.
You also might want to check out the physical & emotional abuse support group here on DS. http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical-Emotional-Abuse/support-group
~healing hugs~