i would never say that patti. but as a now adult who was a child with parents who divorced.. that for ME was the most traumatic, and what i carried with me over the years.

I don't have kids so I can only imagine what I would do.

hang in there. with everything going on and you doing all you have to, it isn't a wonder. be patient with her and as TD said, maybe take her for a ride or some other activity and see if you can break the ice.

best wishes

I'm sorry for what you went through Jenny.

And I'm sorry my ex takes the kids to a bar/arcade and has let them go upstairs to the main floor alone while he has stayed downstairs drinking. I'm sorry he put a $100 on a gift card for my daughter when she was 6 and then yelled at her for putting it down and losing it.

I'm sorry for the fact that they've slept on the floor or on couches for the past two years when they've visited him. I'm sorry he's found money for beer but not beds.

I'm sorry they have to walk to the school bus stop by themselves because I'm either at school myself or working. I'm sorry that they've gotten into trouble at the bus stop. I'm sorry for a hundred thousand things.

(((((patti)))))

I understand what patti is saying. I feel guilt all the time because of the divorce. My kids have gone through a LOT, and I just dont know how to make it all better.

My 6 year old son is doing great at school ... but not so great at home. He spends a lot of his time yelling and demanding to get his way.

I know some of this comes with his age but I also know a lot of it is because of all the yelling/arguing he heard prior to the almost ex moving out.

Mine are older. What upsets me is the way they are trying to make everything work, to take care of us.

I wish they'd act out.

The 15 year old did try to flunk out of private school to save us money.

Otherwise, they are getting all mature and responsible and I want to just curl up and cry.

Okay, where do I start......

Listen....... to them, here what thier saying with thier heart.... don't walk away in emotion when they tell you.

My little girl was doing so good with her reading and spelling. Now she not doing so good in school. She yells a lot and talk back she never did this before. I just do not know if it her age cause she is six or dad and I are not together. She told me she wants us back together.
I am sorry about your daughter I hope things get better for you.

oh yes,i have a son 20(NO PROBLEMS)and my daughter16 seems to blame me for everything in he life right now.but of cours her dad is wonderful.He is the one that left and is on to his second OW,ive been thier the whole time for my kids and this is what i get.

My oldest ( 17 ) dont come to see me or let me know how things are going in her life but has never disrespected me in any way. When I see her she says hi and some times I get a hug. My youngest ( 14 ) comes and sees me all the times she is supposed to. I get hugs and kisses from her all the time.

I have to say that I am blessed. My children are 8 and 12. Both are well-behaved and respectful of their friends and their elders. They are doing excellently academically too. I worry about my daughter and the future. She is the younger of the two and I think has more of an issues with the divorce.

We have all cried, together and individually. I don't ever hold my emotions back from them. They see it all...anger, tears and I have always sat with them and encouraged them to talk.

I think they see a little better the differences between the ex and I but I do believe that because I have made a concerted effort to stay close and involved that has helped them both in the adjustment.

I am so grateful that I have the innate gift of being a communicative, committed, loving and devoted father. I simply don't know anything else...it isn't that it isn't very hard, requires great sacrifice and pain, but I am humbled before these two beings that I have been given the priviledge of watching over.

Man, I went to the support group for children of divorced parents and they are literally gone crazy. I mean we are crazy ourselves, I imagined it affected the children but to what degree. I read information to try to control it, like not fighting in front of the children, having a good relationship with the ex, and telling them its not their fault, but showing them that the parents are still friends are in agreement on raising how to raise the children. It helps, but anyways the children say how their dad doesn't love them anymore on that other support group, how they love their new girlfriend more or how the mother just dumped them off. They have different feelings than what I'm sure that the parents are not feeling or thinking at all. I wonder do they talk these feelings out with their parents? Some even feel lonely and other emotions! They feel its their fault. I want to know what to do to, but my children are younger.

Parenting is a blessed, joyful, frustrating, rewarding, hair curling experience. A divorce stretches all of these in so many ways. I have 2 teens in high school. In essence - they are wonderful, capable, creative and loving beings. The divorce and dysfunction existing prior to the divorce take their toll. We can only be humbly human and do the best at any time that we can. It will never be perfect. I am learning that if I approach this as I'm doing the best that I can at any time - I'm OK and it helps the children too learn there is no perfection and life is about how we manage the ups and downs and in the process celebrate what life has to offer. I can't take away their anger and disappointment. I can't make it all better. I can only on a day by day basis - be there for them.

On the flip side - my kids first moved here (before a divorce) just over a year ago- leaving familiarity. They've dealt with their dad's moving states away to the OW - phone calls now spaced nearly a month apart -- and extended family members who are just busy in their own lives and don't really know or check in on the kids. It is what it is and sucks for them.

My teens have at different times imploded. One is cycling through a very angry time now (was at the top of her class - well connected socially, etc.). I overly tried to excuse everything and some tolerance and flexiblity is needed. My kids aren't on drugs - haven't held a wild party here -- so the big limits somehow are there. Right now -- my daughter feels that I'm the worst thing. I've had to expect and not excuse responsible behaviors surrounding pet care, home responsiblities, car, etc. Normal parenting stuff - yet coupled with divorce small dramas take on a larger presence and get mixed with other emotions and feelings. My sweet and loving daughter (and she still is - under there!) is engaging now in the type of manipulation, verbal and emotional abuse that existed n the marriage. I know she's hurting.

Yet, I've had to let natural consequences flow in too (and it''s so hard as I'm doing this alone like many of us). Counseling has been offered (and I'm hopeful she'll go) - the school staff have been good, and I know that sometimes the emotions are necessary for them to work through - that which was under the surface and wasn't being dealt with - now must be however it is coming out. The only thing I can change is me -- not necessarily how the kids are responding to this or acting. I can change how I respond, process or interpret. This has helped me a whole lot over a very volatile month with the kids.


Wow - it isn't easy. For me, parenting is the hardest part of the divorce process -- just helping our kids along their path as healthily as possible. I can't get in their heads - and there's no use blaming the stbx or even myself. It just is what it is and as parents we'll no doubt through the years have to revisit issues surrounding the divorce, parenting, marriage, and probably a whole lot of things.

I'm humbled by all of your stories and experiences. I hope we can all give strength to one another. Healing ourselves and helping our children to heal a tall order. Wishing you all peace this Thanksgiving. I am so thankful for the help and healing DS has provided in growing stronger and to keep things in perspective.