Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I realize this is a very touchy subject, but I would really like some other opinions on the matter. In the eyes of the court, child custody and child support are viewed as separate matters. I dont understand this. I can see that it sounds very ugly when we start putting children and money together, but isnt it the truth? I have been dragging my feet on posting this at all, but I guess I would rather have some thoughts on it then continue to struggle by myself on the issue.
My story is this: my ex and I have a son together and I left with our son two and a half years ago. My ex was physically and emotionally abusive to me. He was neglectful and emotionally abusive to our son. Our divorce went through much faster than some because he did not show up to any court dates, other than the first two out of six, the courts kept giving extensions because there was a child involved, he didnt send anything, call, just didnt show up, finally they had no choice but to grant me what my attorney and I had drawn up.
Anyway, it has been two years divorced, in October, and three separated, in February. I have received no child support at all (Oh- he handed my five year old a twenty one time). When I left, I had no money! None, anything we had, he took, anything with value, in our home, he took. If it werent for my parents, I would have been in a shelter.
I am now living with my fiance, who is essentially, supporting my son, and although he loves him and knew what he was getting into, I can see his frustration about the matter, build when my son is on the phone with his bio dad. He has told me he feels frustrated that my ex seems to be able to do all the fun stuff and have no real responsibility regarding our son. I have given the state/county every bit of information I can, on my exes whereabouts, but he works for cash and tends to move frequently, never giving out an address.
I have a bit of a unique situation, because, our divorce decree states, his visits be supervised due to his abusive nature, therefore if I were to demand that all visits be done through a child safety center, he may never see him at all. (He has already said he wouldnt do that) Right now, I have allowed him to visit our son at my home, with my fiance nearby.
What I am asking, I guess, is anyone else frustrated with the fact that we are court ordered to allow our children to see the other parent when they dont seem to be held accountable for not helping financially, or does anyone have a viewpoint that could help me understand this? Also, with my circumstances as they are, should I just say no more visits/phone calls until he becomes more consistent financially and emotionally for our son? (BTW - my ex. Pops in and out since the separation, doesnt keep regular visits and has been known to miss a scheduled visit all together, leaving my son in tears)
Very sorry about the length, but I have never been good at keeping brief. Thanks for reading, any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated!
My story is this: my ex and I have a son together and I left with our son two and a half years ago. My ex was physically and emotionally abusive to me. He was neglectful and emotionally abusive to our son. Our divorce went through much faster than some because he did not show up to any court dates, other than the first two out of six, the courts kept giving extensions because there was a child involved, he didnt send anything, call, just didnt show up, finally they had no choice but to grant me what my attorney and I had drawn up.
Anyway, it has been two years divorced, in October, and three separated, in February. I have received no child support at all (Oh- he handed my five year old a twenty one time). When I left, I had no money! None, anything we had, he took, anything with value, in our home, he took. If it werent for my parents, I would have been in a shelter.
I am now living with my fiance, who is essentially, supporting my son, and although he loves him and knew what he was getting into, I can see his frustration about the matter, build when my son is on the phone with his bio dad. He has told me he feels frustrated that my ex seems to be able to do all the fun stuff and have no real responsibility regarding our son. I have given the state/county every bit of information I can, on my exes whereabouts, but he works for cash and tends to move frequently, never giving out an address.
I have a bit of a unique situation, because, our divorce decree states, his visits be supervised due to his abusive nature, therefore if I were to demand that all visits be done through a child safety center, he may never see him at all. (He has already said he wouldnt do that) Right now, I have allowed him to visit our son at my home, with my fiance nearby.
What I am asking, I guess, is anyone else frustrated with the fact that we are court ordered to allow our children to see the other parent when they dont seem to be held accountable for not helping financially, or does anyone have a viewpoint that could help me understand this? Also, with my circumstances as they are, should I just say no more visits/phone calls until he becomes more consistent financially and emotionally for our son? (BTW - my ex. Pops in and out since the separation, doesnt keep regular visits and has been known to miss a scheduled visit all together, leaving my son in tears)
Very sorry about the length, but I have never been good at keeping brief. Thanks for reading, any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated!
My advice to you is to let him hang himself like my ex is doing. I have not heard from him in almost two months. and yes, I did demand that all visits be done through a child safety center. If he truly wants to be a part of his children's lives, he will do what he has to do to see them. But because he can't have things his way, he doesn't want to see them at all. In the words of my twelve year-old, "he is dead to me".
Because I am pregnant with my boyfriend's child, I refuse to have visitation done any other way. He jumped on me before, which is why I left in the first place. He has an alcohol and drug problem and my children have told me on several occasions how he has put them in unsafe situations. What he doesn't realize is that supervised visitation does not have to last forever.
My boyfriend also helps support my children and then I also have help from my family. You stated that he pretty much comes in and out of the child's life when it is convenient for him. This is a bunch of crap. This is another reason why I told him he has to visit through a child safety center. I think that they will ensure that he has regular contact. Either he is going to be a part of his theirlives or he is not. Your ex may not be as bad as mine, but it sounds like they did read from the same book. My next piece of advice to you is just to pray. Since I had my first, my intentions have always been to do what is in the best interest of my children. And I feel that the decisions that I have made the past two years have been just that. Good luck to you on whatever you decide!
Anyway, it's a tough situation, but I really appreciate the responses - thanks to all!