Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

13,010 Members

100,360 Posts

1 Online

chaos1 05/27/2015

Hi
This is my first time on this site. Just am feeling a bit low. My wife and I have know each other for about 8 years and been married for 5. This is my second wife and I have kids, she has none. Age difference is about 13 years . Shortly before we got married I found out that her Mom had been married 11 times! I did not read anything into this however she had an affair after about 2 years into our marriage and went through intensive psycho therapy. She then begged to come back. I allowed her back after initially kicking her out the house. 2 years later...same thing again and this time I again kicked her out. She begged and pleaded and I gave in and allowed her back. We have been together for 2 years since then and now she has left me and written to me and said that she wants a divorce. Not sure where she is however wrote to me the other day and said she still loves me etc etc and would like to try again. The next day i got the letter asking for a divorce despite there being no further contact between us from receipt of her letter. I come from a family whose Mom and Dad were married for 50 years, we are stable etc etc. I have read many things about chaos kids and the impact that your childhood has on your marriage. . part of what I have read is that the more troubled your childhood the shorter your marriage. IS this true? I have also read that with chaos kids that they are constantly looking for validation if they have no father figure in her life (she has a sister and brother by other men). Also read that chaos kids:1. Do not mean what they say and do not say what they mean. 2. Present themselves as someone they are not. 3. Think their needs are more important thanyour are. 4. Any good thing you say or do she sees as a threat and 5. She wants what she cant have and what she has she doesnt want. I cannot understand why I still feel this deep sense of loss and this feeling that I can fix it. She makes contact with me now and then to offer help in doing some of the stuff for the business but doesnt want to meet and talk. I should be angry with her but am not and yet feel this deep sense of loss. Am I mad or why is it that I cannot seem to bring myself round to "let go". Really am battling with this one. Any help is greatly appreciated and not sure if there is another man in her life!

kristinch1 05/27/2015

Personally I think you need to let this woman go. She is toxic and you deserve so so much better and you can't find Mrs. Right if you are with Mrs Cheater and Leaving you by the wayside. What about your own children? Do you want them to grow up thinking this is how healthy relationships are? Do you want them married 11 times cheating or cheating on their spouses and constantly leaving their own families in upheavel? Of course you don't. You are hurting and looking for reasons why. i get that but perhaps you should look within on how you are willing to accept this abuse from this woman? I want so much for you and I really feel you need to go to no contact and start the healing process .

goblueinco 05/27/2015

I am not familiar with the phrase "chaos kids" but I do know that children of divorce do have issues that often present themselves in ways that you mentioned. The truth of the matter, however, is that no one is a slave to their circumstances. If your wife wants help and wants to change she will. As far as your marriage goes, relationships require two willing participants. You cannot force her to change her mind and to commit to being a wife. There is a book I highly recommend, "Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis" by Dr. James Dobson. It is a very practical book and it should be available in most bookstores. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

GoBlueInCo

chaos1 05/27/2015

Thanks to both of you for wonderful replies and for helping me open my own eyes. Your insights are a "eye opening" to say the least and really really do help me to achieve my end goal of "letting this marriage go". Ultimately that is what is needed but am battling to let go.! Thanks again.

sja 05/27/2015

I agree with both above posters. We all are products of our upbringing, but we all also have a choice. Your ex is toxic, you and your children don't need that in their lives. Think of the hurt you will continue to have staying with her in the long run, as opposed to the hurt you will have briefly. The hurt you will have from ending the marriage and moving on is going to be painful, but I think it would be less painful than staying with someone who is so emotionally unstable.

Gentle hugs.

chaos1 05/27/2015

Thanks a tonne. Thanks also for the gentle hug! You guys are really helping me here. I need to work towards letting this go and will follow advice of NC. It is the only way or else I am controlled. Yes, family needs to be protected as well and thankfully my sons are great and we have a great relationship. Just dot like the thought of failure -ever! Thanks again!

broken234 05/27/2015

I read some of the articles about chaos kid theory. I actually felt like my husband fell into that category as well. Alcoholic parent, abandoned by father, abuse etc. While I am on the other end of the spectrum. Parents still married, present in my life, set boundaries, cared. My husband never is happy in one house for too long. Always wants to move. or when were were in a house for more than a year he wanted to always changes the rooms around, knock down walls, etc. His life is constantly surrounded by drama. I could make a million writing his autobiography. But how do you tell them that is what you think they are? Its not something that you can just blurt out. How would you approach it?

chaos1 05/28/2015

Hi. Am so glad that I don't feel alone in this "chaos kid" theory. It is very difficult to tell them that that is what they are. The minute you broach them with the subject then all....breaks loose. They see you as a threat. I also relate to this well. For e.g going away together for a weekend is a time when the 2 of you can attach and become emotionally close. They however see this as a threat as the person "not to be trusted" in their programming is the male figure therefore rather "push" them away and avoid becoming to close and then subjecting oneself to abandonment/rejection since that is all they have known in their lives (their father figure moved out of their lives 11 times in this case). The search for validation is never ending and the ability to "give" is non-existent. This is a very tough relationship and that is why it is difficult to let go as I feel that I can fix it!!! I need to move past that belief and be in a space where I don't have to always fix things. If the other person in your life does not realise this, and is not prepared to admit to the problem/reality then the relationship will always be in turmoil. Thanks for your insights in this regard as well!!!

OLDBIKER 05/28/2015

It sounds to me that when this woman gets bored, she goes and has an affair and when she loses her security with you, she wants to come back until the next opportunity rises to have another "fling". It also sounds to me that she really doesn't know what she wants and I agree with the others. Your kids don't need to have to deal with this sort of thing. It sounds as though you need to follow through with the divorce, focus on your kids and a life for yourself without all this drama and stress.

chaos1 05/29/2015

Thanks old biker for your response. It is because of responses like this and also from the others that I am beginning to see the light of day. I could provide the security she needed and she was able to "fill herself" with security from others when I was not able to provide those that she needed. I realise now that one of the issues that I raised about "she wants what she cant have and that that she has she doesn't want or value. I realise that she is a phony now and that I WILL be far better off than I have been. I am getting there in attaining my goal of "letting this marriage go" Thanks everyone for your help and support/advice

lamarwilson 05/29/2015

I would let her go. Be thankful you don't share any kids with this woman. Cheaters are habitual. They may realize the current fling isn't going to last after the newness wears off. Maybe the other person is married, and just using them for a piece on the side. They will come back for security sometimes when it doesn't workout, but they WILL do it again. That new romance feeling is an addiction to cheaters. They aren't capable of weighing what they risk giving up versus a little lust.

chaos1 05/30/2015

Thanks for the comment. I have really changed my thought processes. I am feeling so much better now that I have decided it will be awesome for me to let this person go. I was the dumpee in this case yet found myself talking to a lawyer yesterday afternoon. Last night was the first time that I slep through the night in weeks! It feels awesome to get to this stage. Have changed my status from feeling horrible to feeling ok. Thanks again everyone. When you decide to let go, and do it for yourself, it is so much better.

chaos1 07/01/2015

Hi there to everyone. Well it has been a while since I posted on here. I am now entering phase 2 of the drama that I have in my life. I have followed the advice that I received on the site and have been NC for about 5 weeks now. Surprise Surprise but who should turn up at my offices yesterday but my STBX. I have filed for divorce, taken her off my medical aid, stopped paying for car insurance for her and cell contracts etc. Suddenly she arrives and wants to know if we can have dinner as she "misses" me terribly and would like to talk. I am not too sure what to do as during my NC period, I really found time to look at myself, start new hobbies (cycling) and going out with friends. Also been on one or two dates that I enjoyed and made the issues of being alone seem trivial in that you realise that there are people out there who actually are also looking for the same things you are. Do I do the dinner with her ? My objective is to see if I can look past her and realise that my feelings for her are dead (which they are if I am alone and away fro her) or if there is still a little spark. Is her objective to want to "talk" about reconciliation or is it just to "check in" and see that her "insurance policy" (me) is still there for her. What do I do? I know that she has been seeing someone from the time that we parted and realise that this may not be going so well again for her

kbbcoop77 07/01/2015

Ugh...they do do that...my ex long ago showed up at my work.
My advice is no dinner and keep moving forward. She's fishing and has multiple lines out. This is toxic and please get some self esteem and go tell her to pack sand. She wanted out and out is OUT. She'll just keep doing the same crap it's her MO. You can do better

whatjusthappenedhere 07/01/2015

You said that she had an affair, then had intensive psychotherapy, then you took her back, then she left and dated someone else, and now she wants to spend some time with you. It doesn't seem like the psychotherapy was complete and she is still struggling with whatever issues led to her behavior. If you want to stay on the scary roller coaster, then spend the time with her. If not, keep moving forward. It sounds like you've been doing really well.

LostNFound3 07/01/2015

It seems she has shown you the "real" her, and now she wants you to buy into the pretend her again. Fool me once... I'd say no dinner and keep focusing on your recovery. It sounds like you are doing well. Keep it that way.

Join the Conversation

Posts You May Be Interested In

DEALING WITH LOSS OF WIFE

Posted by: OLDBIKER

Last Reply: OLDBIKER 08/05/2026

3

Just thought I would join this group now that I am a widower. My wife passed away May 28th. She was "The Wind Beneath My Wings". When I met her, I was a drunken, dope smoking, fighting, hell raising biker. She told me if I could get rid of the inner storm within me, that I could be a blessing to people. God placed her in my path to stop me. I have been drug and alcohol free now for 53...
Huge changes coming!!

Posted by: BlueSky

Last Reply: BlueSky 07/08/2026

15

My husband and I got our foster license last month, after 3 years of hard work (we had to start over multiple times due to family dramas and Mom's open heart surgery). We spent a year preparing the whole house, guest rooms, and children's bathroom for older kids of 7 yr old and up. Then we got a call that we have been approved to receive twin newborn premies. What, what?!! Babies!? Premies?!...

DEALING WITH LOSS OF WIFE

Huge changes coming!!