I'm just as confused if not more so!
I've been questioning so much about myself from feelings to what I wear.

How do we know what is right? When everything we thought was true was not? How do we discover who we really are without the "other" people that defined us? I am lost! Anyone have a map? Or at least point me in the right direction?

Hi Happy:

You took the words out of my mouth about how I feel about this entire mess. I miss so badly the person that I use to be, but knowing deep down, I am still that person. This experience has changed me for the rest of my life. I don't think that it is possible for me to go back to who I use to be, but I do think it is possible for me to move forward cautiously.

Thanks Nikki. I don't really want to change into a hard, untrusting woman. I thought I was a good person but this all makes you doubt if you were mistaken about yourself!

I lost a big part of myself. So I guess some change is inevitable to cope with that but ultimately you are still the same person at the core. It may just take a while to discover who that is. That is what I am finding anyway.

James you are so right. That is the question. Who am I really other than a wife and mother? How do I find out? I haven't known me as just me in over 20 years! I think I just keep looking for someone to need a wife. Only role I know how to play.LOL Need to learn a new role, ME!

I never believed in the fairy tale to begin with. I knew marriage would be difficult and hard work at times. I made a commitment to it, I worked at it, and I honored it, my STBX did not. Sure it changes me, because now I have baggage and insecurities I didn't have at 20, and probably always will because of it.

Most of what is me is pretty much still there. I don't put a lot of expectations on people because I have found 90% of the time when you do they will let you down in even the simplist of things. That belief is simply more enforced now in my mind.

Does that mean you can never trust anyone again? I don't think so. My STBX was a spoiled rotten bitch of an only child that feels she can use and discard whomever she likes the same way her biological father discarded her when she was 3. I just had to come to the realization that other women are not my STBX, and simply from talking here on DS I can see there really are "nice girls" out there.

Yeah I am more cautious, a little bit jaded, but I'm not going to spend the rest of my life under the shadow of her failure. It seems unlikely to me that I would be very willing to ever get married again, but I've also accepted that my idea of what the future hold differs greatly from what is actually going to happen.

All events in your life adds to a persons growth. What we have always been is that we are always changing. No matter how subtle the change. This is life. One thing for sure. Our heart will never produce an armor plate to surround it. We are vulnerable no matter how alone we make ourselves. To love is to breath. You cannot be loved until you love in return. Loving is a trust. Loving is one miracle we can all do. We can reach out and actually touch a persons heart without hurting them. Amazing stuff, this love.

Noob, Love is amazing but also scary as Hell! I love with all that I am, unconditionally! I don't want to change that but.... damn it hurts when it is used and abused! I have been working on that armor you speak of. Maybe if it is a little harder to get to the heart only the worthy will get to it?

Change is inevitable in life.You don't have to comprimise who you are...just reinvent yourself with your sweet self still in tact.
When I wanted to become a platform hairdresser(runway work)...my stbx went to a few shows with me and decided for me that it wasn't for me.He told me many years later that what he saw was "cut throat bitches" and knew I was not that kind of person.
I did not have to become like that (as I have met many who were not like that)...it's a choice.I know I'm a very good hairdresser and could have cut the grade or above(I just didn't know it back then due to low self esteem).
I'm just gonna take another avenue in life with all I have still in tact :)

B, those are some heavy thoughts for a Sunday afternoon. I have asked myself all of the same questions. Personally what I have taken from a crumbled marriage of 18 years is that I've got a lot more life to live and I'm not going to waste it on dreaming but I'm going to invest the time in living. I'm going to be myself and not spend my time with people that want to spend their time smoldering my personality. Embrace the person that you are.

Deb, Low self esteem is why we let others tell us who we are and what to do. I have worked on that for sure. How do you balance knowing you are good and worthy and still be humble? I have had so many people tell me in the last year, how wonderful I am and how much I have to offer, even men I have dated, yet they moved on.! So if I am so wonderful and such a gift(I do believe in myself and that I could make someone a good partner) why does no one recognize it and want to have me for themselves? Good not good enough is how I often feel.

Tes, I am still trying to figure out who I am! That is the real problem! Got nothing but time, guess it will come to me at some point. Always tried to be what others needed or wanted me to be, you know?