Oh heck, you're going to have your hands full. 13 sneaking out of the house at 2:30am is trouble. How did she get out? Window or door? If it's a window, I'd nail it shut. I'm a tough mom so everyone will probably disagree with me.

I believe in being hard on young kids. Loving but showing what I expect from them.

Good luck to you.

Oh, boy, you are taking me back to when I used to do that to my mother.....

She simply walked out the front door. This is at her moms house. We both live in this big planned community, so she walked over to the gazebo by the lake and hung out with her friend. I'm thinking of locking her in her room. There is no way out the window, its 2nd floor and straight down. At my home there is an alarm so she can't open the door or window without setting that puppy off.

Well you may not like what I'm going to say....too severe a punishment might backfire on you. Yes punishment for sneaking out is in order...um, how about some extra chores? If you take away her outlets to escape (however briefly) from what's giving her so much angst (homelife changes), you may be courting a larger problem later. Your life has changed and you are no doubt struggling to come to grips with those changes right? You are an adult, she's 13...got to be rather hard at that age right?

In your shoes, well I think I'd sit down and try to talk to her and explain what a dangerous situation she placed herself in (lucky for both of you the boy's grandmother called you).

I'm not a liberal parent by any means. My son and step son (who I raised) are grown men and I have grandchildren. When children are troubled by things at home: divorce, a death, etc. it sometimes takes a "more gentle hand" to get through to them.

If you don't become the meanest sob to your daughter, you'll be in trouble. Very loving but when she screws up she has to know YOU mean business. You can't back off. No excuses from her. It is what it is. You will have to be on the same page with your ex on this one.

I think a lot depends on what else is going on in your daughter's life. When I was that age I used to sneak out and hang around with my friends and no I wasn't doing anything "bad." I shaved my head. I snuck off to Toronto when I was 15 and got a tattoo. But I was an A+ student, didn't do drugs and never had to call my folks from jail...so they were kinda flexible about my freespiritedness (at least mom was and she kept dad in check). I got it out of my system and now I am a successful attorney...not that I cannot be a little wild at times still. Just saying that a kid being a little "wild" isn't the end of the world...so long as the other parts of her life are chugging along okay.

When my daughter did some alarming stuff at age 16 ("coincidentally" one week after her dad moved out), I not only did the grounding, losing privileges, etc., but I tried to get her to think through on her own the consequences of stupid behavior. Mine is very verbal (is yours?) but definitely hadn't thought stuff through. I made her write out how her behavior adversely affected each person involved. In your case, that would be her (including people not trusting her as much in the future), her mom, her dad, her friend, her friend's grandmother, etc. She also had to write some letters of apology. I didn't want her to just be punished; I wanted to see evidence that she "got it" in terms of what she did and what could have happened.

At least it is a gated community, and in her mind she may have felt this was an extension of her yard. Not that it was--but at least she didn't travel across town.

Is she in counseling? Maybe she is feeling desperate to talk about this with someone besides her parents.

I don't feel as if I have words of wisdom, but I can sure commiserate! I feel as if I am just bumbling my way through her adolescence, making it up as I go along. Wishing you the best.

Steve, I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. But please do not lock her in her room at night, just for safety's sake. If there is a fire, she only has one escape route.

This is a scary situation. Does she have a counselor she could talk to?

I would say be tough, be firm but be loving also. Stick to your punishment, if that's what you've given her and you find that reasonable. But make sure she still knows you love her. No matter what her screwups are.

Good luck..these are scary times.

OK I know I am going to get blasted for my opinions on this but here goes.

Locking her in her room will only cause heartache for both of you.

She is more than likely looking for areas in her life that she feels she CAN control, she needs to be shown or given some areas, not have them taken away.

Of course having someone to talk to is a big thing for her, maybe if she felt she could talk to this boy during normal waking hours, she would not feel the need to do so at 2 am? Many times if you give them what they want, they no longer want it, but there is no reason that she can't have this boy over around dinner time to talk, and know that they can have some privacy. (Notice I said some)
Talking to her is the best way to gage what it is that she is needing right now. Not to mention that talking to her now, will make it more likely that she will talk later - and you do want that. The best way to do that is to talk to her like she is a person with feelings, thoughts, etc and not a child who has no say in her world. You will get better results.

I agree that she needs to be punished of course, but finchy's ideas are better than the plain old grounding etc that do nothing but teach them that you have control and they do not. Show her the cause of her actions. Take her to planned parenthood or something close, show her what very young teen mom's deal with.

Talking to her about what is appropriate behaviour with a boy and what is not will go a long way. Much of what they do at this age is because they do not know the consequences.

I do have to say, the doctor visit was more than likely huge lesson for her on how well you are going to watch over her - and this is actually something she wants. I am sure she was pissed and embarrassed but deep down, she knows it means you care.
It is a balancing act at this age, the teen years are full of tests and trials for all of you - keeping the lines of communication open is going to be the best way to make it less painful for all.

My daughter will be 18 this month and she is the most responsible, wonderful young woman.
They do survive these years, as will you.. it just takes a great deal of patience and love.

Just my two cents

Good luck

I may have screwed up on my advice. I don't know. I'm on uncharted territory. You need to do what feels right for you. Good luck to you.

If she snuck out to talk to someone about your divorce, get her to a counselor. Although sneaking out is a normal teenager thing to do, her excuse for doing it seems to be that she is trying to reach out for help and/or attention. I would not lock her in her room, as the courts would not look to well on that, and what would happen god forbid if the house was on fire? Just tell her that her actions have caused her to lose your trust and she will have to earn that back. Question her about people she is around, times of things, ask her teachers when school starts (if it hasn't) to communicate with you any issues they may see, talk to the school counselor about keeping an eye on her and seeing if she is hanging around anyone the school might not think is a good influence. Make it known to her that you will know all her moves. And then give her the chance to earn back your trust.

Damn. I used to sneak out my BR window all the time. But, my family was pretty strict... I snuck out, but didn't really do anything. Just snuck out cuz i could get away with it. we'd all just hike up into the woods and burn milk crates. smoke. go home.

I agree with the consensus. Too strict could backfire. Did she seem scared when you found out? Genuinely a feeling of "i'm in trouble'? Or did she blow it off. I tend to think that, while the choices they make against us can be of concern, it's how they deal with owning what they've done that often tells you more.

It's about finding a balance between leniency and restriction. Because in between, they are forced to consider responsibility and trust and the ramifications of jeopardizing that. Which in turn, jeopardizes the power that all teenagers think they have/know they have/or want.

Well, when I was her age I did the same thing. I never did anything bad, but I snuck out to go talk to my friends and have a life. There were a lot of really nasty things going on at home and that was my escape. Give her enough rope to hang herself with. If she knows you don't trust her, she's just going to rebel harder. And I hate to say it, but if she wants out, she'll find a way out. As far as a counselor is concerned, that's touchy. It probably won't help a whole lot because this is a new person that she doesn't trust, and probably won't talk to, therefore she may not be comfortable opening up. I would suggest instead if she has an aunt or uncle that she's close to or some kind of family friend that she's comfortable with, maybe get that person around a little more. Then maybe ease into a counselor...just don't force anything on her, please for the love of God. You have to be strict and stick with rules that you lay down, but don't take away all of her freedom, because it'll come back at you 3 fold. At least she's not having sex or drinking or anything like that.

I know times are different, but I snuck out. I'd bump up the heat a tiny bit as I snuck out to cover the noise.

My sister never snuck out and when she was sitting around with her hubbie and his brothers and they told their stories she told MY stories and my mom called me and was like 'you got anything to tell me" I was about 26 at the time. argh!

But I was actually very well-behaved, b/c I was on high-alert do-notwant-to-get-busted mode. friends would just get together, wander around, just feel naughty, not do anything terrible, x/c get ridiculously sleep deprived. and whatever they are doing when they sneak out, they can find another time and place to do it.

but yeah, you did the right thing, if my kiddo sneaks out I'll drop the big grounded on her, the works, all that.

as opposed to the drug-testing type plan of encouraging abstinence, mabye a more talkative approach. handling that... I wonder how I'll strike that balance between imposing boundaries FOR my daugther and helping her create her OWN. because every year, she's going to be more and more on her own, out of my reach and control. I fear over controlling her and here reacting badly to that. I saw a lot of that in my friends.

but it's hard to advise there. every kid is different. rooting for you ~~~

as to the counselor question, a private counselor sounds good to me, a school counselor may come of as an extension of the principal office authority...

the right click with a highly qualified private counselor may be a wise investment.