Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
It's catching up to me now. My divorce was finalized on Wednesday. And I broke down that day, but luckily I had a therapy session later that night. And one of the things my therapist and I talked about was this idea of me being the caretaker in the relationship. And I am having a hard time getting over the fact that me being that way played a part in this happening.
It's how I was raised. To take care of people that needed it. My family does it all the time for each other and other people. And I know I was doing it so much that I stopped taking care of myself, I get that. But I can't understand why being viewed that way is so bad. That I can be viewed as a caretaker and not a lover/boyfriend/husband was part of what caused our relationship to deteriorate. And I know she played her part in this too. That she lost those feelings she had for me in the beginning, and she had her own issues with intimacy and commitment. But I thought that when you loved someone so much that you took care of them, even at the expense of your own well being.
And now I just feel so stupid because I am realizing too late how wrong that is. Why did it have to take something like this for me to realize that? Now, I have no clue what I am going to do in the future if I ever meet someone. How do I not make the same mistake? I don't know how to not be so loving and caring, or at what level I should be that way with someone. Because I thought I was doing everything right. And it hurts so much to know that I wasn't. That's what I am having a hard time with right now. Not that the divorce is final, but that I didn't find out any of this until after it was too late. I feel like now that I have all the answers, I could be a better person for her, but she will never be interested in trying again. Because she will never view me as anything other than a caretaker. And I will always remind her of a sad, lonely and needy time in her life.
It's hard to find the positive in this. That I should be thankful that this happened so I can learn this. I wish there could have been another way. So I don't know if I'll ever be able to spin this to make myself feel better.
And I know she's not the only girl in the world. I know I'll get over this, and eventually learn to forgive myself for screwing up. I just hate realizing that after all these years, I really had no clue what it took to be in a relationship, and that what I thought it took was completely wrong.
Thanks for reading.
It's how I was raised. To take care of people that needed it. My family does it all the time for each other and other people. And I know I was doing it so much that I stopped taking care of myself, I get that. But I can't understand why being viewed that way is so bad. That I can be viewed as a caretaker and not a lover/boyfriend/husband was part of what caused our relationship to deteriorate. And I know she played her part in this too. That she lost those feelings she had for me in the beginning, and she had her own issues with intimacy and commitment. But I thought that when you loved someone so much that you took care of them, even at the expense of your own well being.
And now I just feel so stupid because I am realizing too late how wrong that is. Why did it have to take something like this for me to realize that? Now, I have no clue what I am going to do in the future if I ever meet someone. How do I not make the same mistake? I don't know how to not be so loving and caring, or at what level I should be that way with someone. Because I thought I was doing everything right. And it hurts so much to know that I wasn't. That's what I am having a hard time with right now. Not that the divorce is final, but that I didn't find out any of this until after it was too late. I feel like now that I have all the answers, I could be a better person for her, but she will never be interested in trying again. Because she will never view me as anything other than a caretaker. And I will always remind her of a sad, lonely and needy time in her life.
It's hard to find the positive in this. That I should be thankful that this happened so I can learn this. I wish there could have been another way. So I don't know if I'll ever be able to spin this to make myself feel better.
And I know she's not the only girl in the world. I know I'll get over this, and eventually learn to forgive myself for screwing up. I just hate realizing that after all these years, I really had no clue what it took to be in a relationship, and that what I thought it took was completely wrong.
Thanks for reading.
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
You take care of someone you love, the same way the one who loves you takes care of you. It is the state of being in love that has been modified. There is no way to control feelings. Your actions towards your ex spouse only show how wonderful you are.
Stay strong, this phase is a shocking realization that we don't know the future so we cannot worry about what will happen. Let the days go through and I am sure you will find, when the time is right, someone that will appreciate you, love you and be honored that you will want to take care of her too.
Hugs.
Check it out: It told me alot about myself and the way I take care of people.....it all has to do with our childhood.
www.gettinbetter.com/needlove.html
It was hard for me to accept my role in the relationship ending as well and I was told the exact same thing my my therapist. When I learned about codependency and that I was codependent I asked myself the same questions. How could loving someone and wanting to take care of them be a bad thing. Its not! But when you lose your own identity in the process it is.
Right now, it is not about how she views you. Its about how you view yourself. Being of that nature, it is time that you started caring for yourself. Doing things that make you happy and not worrying about what others think or say. Its all about YOU!
You have to realize that you did not "screw up" anything. You were completely unaware. You do know what it takes to be in a relationship, but you have to set healthy boundries for yourself.
You are not delaing with this on your own.....this site and the people on it are truly amazing!!!
(((((HUGS)))))
hugs from boston.
And thank you JennyMe for the hugs!
hugs back to you from michigan :)