It's catching up to me now. My divorce was finalized on Wednesday. And I broke down that day, but luckily I had a therapy session later that night. And one of the things my therapist and I talked about was this idea of me being the caretaker in the relationship. And I am having a hard time getting over the fact that me being that way played a part in this happening.

It's how I was raised. To take care of people that needed it. My family does it all the time for each other and other people. And I know I was doing it so much that I stopped taking care of myself, I get that. But I can't understand why being viewed that way is so bad. That I can be viewed as a caretaker and not a lover/boyfriend/husband was part of what caused our relationship to deteriorate. And I know she played her part in this too. That she lost those feelings she had for me in the beginning, and she had her own issues with intimacy and commitment. But I thought that when you loved someone so much that you took care of them, even at the expense of your own well being.

And now I just feel so stupid because I am realizing too late how wrong that is. Why did it have to take something like this for me to realize that? Now, I have no clue what I am going to do in the future if I ever meet someone. How do I not make the same mistake? I don't know how to not be so loving and caring, or at what level I should be that way with someone. Because I thought I was doing everything right. And it hurts so much to know that I wasn't. That's what I am having a hard time with right now. Not that the divorce is final, but that I didn't find out any of this until after it was too late. I feel like now that I have all the answers, I could be a better person for her, but she will never be interested in trying again. Because she will never view me as anything other than a caretaker. And I will always remind her of a sad, lonely and needy time in her life.

It's hard to find the positive in this. That I should be thankful that this happened so I can learn this. I wish there could have been another way. So I don't know if I'll ever be able to spin this to make myself feel better.

And I know she's not the only girl in the world. I know I'll get over this, and eventually learn to forgive myself for screwing up. I just hate realizing that after all these years, I really had no clue what it took to be in a relationship, and that what I thought it took was completely wrong.

Thanks for reading.