Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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Cali123 08/22/2007

Hi everyone. I just joined this board, but have been on DS for a while. I've been married for almost 4.5 years and been with my husband for 7 years. We have a 3 year old child. I truly care for my husband and really want things to work out between us. He has been verbally abusive to me in the past and can be very mean. I find him to be very selfish and he only does what he wants to do. Every weekend is filled with him doing some day-long activity with his friends and does not include us. Most weekends it's both days. I never get time for me where I can go out with my friends and take a break from it all. I'm left to take care of the house and our child. I drop him off and pick him up from daycare every day and I work full time (as well as being in school part-time). In the winter, he's out of town most weekends snowboarding. Sometimes I get to go too, but I'm still stuck in the house because the 2 year old can't ski. He hasn't been there for me emotinally either in quite some time. He'll often snap at me when I try to talk to him. If i tell him some amusing quip from the day, he will often respond with: "why should I care about that?" or "why would you think I care or want to hear it?" it has literally torn me up inside to hear that. I've since emotionally withdrawn from him, but I'm realizing that this is no way for me to live.

It really speaks volumes when his own mother and sisters have said that he can be incredibly selfish. His sisters even agree that they have no idea why I stay married to him. I love his family and they are all great and I don't want to lose them if I leave.

My other dilemma is that I don't want our child to grow up without a father around... I've asked him to consider couples counseling and he's said that he has no time or desire to go. He later said that he would go, but he will not compromise or change. He thinks it is me with all the problems and it's very easy to keep/make him happy if I change. but I worry that my changing will make me into a person that I don't want to be. I will say that there are improvements that I could make, and it's something that I want to do to be better organized but I don't think that I should have to carry the full responsibility of the household and parenting when all he does is pay the bills. Please help!!!

deleted_user 08/22/2007

I think there are two questions here, can your marriage be saved, and do you want to save it?

I believe that barring serious mental illness, if two people want to be married to each other, they can usually figure out a way to make it work, even if it is unconventional. They might need the help of a professional or 2 along the way, but they'll make it.

One person can not make a marriage work. You can not, by yourself, save your marriage. I know, I've tried, and so have lots of others here. What you can do is decide how you want to be treated, and communicate your boundaries to your husband.

But you first have to decide what YOU want, and this is a great place for support while you do this.

deleted_user 08/22/2007

I know sometimes we don't see what we have until its gone, maybe tell him you want to separate to see what he says. Maybe the threat of separation will wake him up.

deleted_user 08/22/2007

I suggest you check out the abuse myths in the emotional abuse group. There are two very tough facts fighting against you. First, rarely if ever do abusers change and it can take 4-6 years for that change to happen.
Second, your children will learn the selfish attitudes from the abuser. Believe me, I'm dealing with this with all of ours. So is it better for your child to learn the selfishness just to have a dad around, or should you provide him with a good male role model even if it means using a big brother/big sister program so that your child doesn't learn the selfish abusive behavior?

deleted_user 08/22/2007

Okay honey this is what you have to do
a. get a makeover
b. refuse to answer anything that is verbally abusvie
c. get your hair done, manicure, pedicure facial etc
d. buy a new wardrobe

and act like you could care less.. if he notices the changes....you may win him back... it sounds like to me..unless you change and DEMAND to be treated better he will continue as he does until he totally loses respect for you.. and htat my dear is when all marriages fail. When the other spouse loses respect.

Get yourself in counselling, get a babysitter on the weekend for 1/2 a day and live large.... best of luck. Keep us informed

deleted_user 08/22/2007

Whoa! I've been in these shoes sweety..and these shoes were made for walking! Sorry to say he sounds very narcissistic. Its all about him and it will always be about him unless he makes the choice to change that. And why do YOU have to change for him? What does he need to be different about you? Sounds like you are doing all that you can and shouldering all of the responsibility of an adult relationship while he shirks his. i understand how frustrating it is to share your thoughts, feelings,concerns with someone who cant hear beyond his own voice. Bottomline is he needs to decide if he is grown up enough for this relationship. If not, get out. YOu deserve so much more.

deleted_user 08/22/2007

I told my husband for years that things had to change but it did not sink in until I left him back in January. Unfortunately it was too late. I emotionally shut him out because the pain was too hard. To this day he tells his family and friends that he doesn't know where all of this came from. "She must be having affair!" Do your self a favor, get help for your marriage now before it is too late. If he is willing to go to counseling then who cares if he "says" he won't change. The counselor will examine who needs to change what in the relationship.

deleted_user 08/22/2007

I agree!! Most emotional abusers do not or can not change but at least you will know in your heart that you did everything you could do to save your marriage.

deleted_user 08/22/2007

Add me to the list of people who have lived with and left someone like this. The problem is he believes it is YOUR job to make him happy. And he wouldn't need to treat you that way if you did everything you could to make him happy. Classic behavior of a verbal abuser and narcissist. I doubt he will change but if you can get him into counseling at least you will know you have done everything you could.

As for your child growing up without a father around...sounds like he or she already is. Someone who is spending that much time away from home can't be having a meaningful relationship with his child. Big hug. This isn't an easy decision but you deserve to be treated with respect, period.

deleted_user 08/22/2007

He is emotionally abusing you. It needs to stop as your child, whom it sounds like you adore, will learn the same. Not only that but how to relate to people in the same way. If you want to save your marriage, great--but it takes to people to want change. I had to accept that and am still in process of doing so. But under no circumstance is the emotional abuse okay. My ex has finally deeply and truly apologized to me because by standing up for myself and leaving--it did wake him up for all the awful things he said and did or didn't do (neglect). Sorry, for the soapbox, but your message moved me. I pray that you can save your marriage with a wake up call without having to leave to get the respect you deserve.

deleted_user 08/22/2007

i think your married to my stbx!! i have learned the hard way that people "are who they are" - my stbx has really never grown up - wants to do his thing, no time for family but boy if one of his friends needs something he would drop everything and run to them, but not for his wife or kids. They don't change. I am his second failed marriage. I wish you the best.

deleted_user 08/22/2007

22 years, and three kids, tell me that it doesn't stop.

People like this don't care.

Take care of You and Your Child.

deleted_user 08/22/2007

I have 4 children and felt the same way you did as far as "stay for the kids!" Until the day my 10 year old said to me that I was like daddy's little girl too. I want my kids to know that woman can be strong and independent w/out a man!

deleted_user 08/22/2007

He sounds just like my STBX. His parents told me not to marry him. He sucked the life out of me, while he lived his life excluding me. These kind of men rarely change and you will have little self esteem left at the end. It can't be saved if he does not want to change. You both have to put in the work. I'm sorry.

deleted_user 08/23/2007

It's hard for children to grow up in divorced homes, but it's harder to grow up in emotionally hostile environments. At this rate, you are going to grow to be very unhappy which will lead to depression. Is that what you want for your child? Or do you want to create a life where you can be happy, fulfilled and thrive? Don't stay married simply because you think it's best for your son.

deleted_user 08/23/2007

Years ago I used to read Dear Abby and she would always write... are you better with him or without him. Make a list of what good things he adds to your life and then make a list of the negative. Add them up and see what you come up with. Only you can answer these questions.

We are not there to hear the abuse. Put yourself in your child's shoes. Do you want your child to grow up with a father who doesn't respect his wife and treats her like a servant. Think about what your teaching your child.

Only you can decide what is right for you.

Alexandria

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