Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Asked my husband of 35 years for a separation last month, unable to function much after many years of verbal and emotional abuse. So have been busy looking for a cheap place in town, put in an accepted offer and pending financing will be moving in June. Every year I have felt more depressed, closed off, tired, sad, drained......the marriage has gone from bad to worse, both of us not trying, hadn't slept together in years, and has never been any communication about any issues/problems in the marriage, they were just not allowed. He never fought against separating, just said "make sure that is what you want, i don't want this to happen, you are ruining our family, but do what you have to do." Lately he is being quite nice, talking more, spending more time with me, offering to buy me things i may need for the new place. I am 60 yrs old have a pretty good job, but also some health issues to deal with. My concern is I break into tears constantly, feeling terrified of this move, feel like I miss him so much already and I havn't even left yet. What is wrong with me, there is no way this marriage can be fixed or go on like it was, yet I feel absolutely devastated to be doing this to everyone. My heart feels like it is splintering away and the tears are so embarrassing as they just come from nowhere and will not stop. Why oh why is this so hard.?????????????? I thought all the love was dead but it must just be buried.
Find a counselor. It helps so much to have someone you can talk to about those feelings. Good luck to you.
If your husband wants to change all this after you move out, he can start into therapy all by himself and get therapy for his abusive ways, for his non-caring ways and he won't be cured in a month or two. It could be a year or two. That's if he really wants to do therapy and puts hard work into it. Being nicer right now while you are planning on moving on MEANS NOTHING.
I've had an abuser husband that was physically and emotionally abusive. We went to joint therapy and it changed nothing for him. But it kept me in the marriage longer thinking things would be getting better. THERAPY IS NOT MAGIC. It takes the abuser to want to make the changes and to work hard for years to make those changes happen and work on himself every day. Mine saw nothing wrong with himself.
Get out while you can and let him decide if he wants therapy on his own. I strongly suggest that after you are out, you go into therapy on your own and build back your self esteem, your self image and your strength. You are so worth it.
By the way, I divorced my abusive husband and he is now on his fifth marriage. He hasn't changed and therapy together did nothing for him. Don't waste your time and your life--you have better things ahead.
I think now that I am a couple years out of it I can see that what she really wanted to do was get my attention and try to change me or fix me to be a certain way.
My only advice is make sure you are showing your husband as much grace as you can and you don't get into the dangerous game of the more you threaten to leave the more he tries because eventually he may hit a wall and be done.
I am not saying he shouldn't treat you well I am just saying please try to be careful and I echo the same thing that so many have said. Please give counseling a try before you call it quits.
Best of luck to you and God bless.