Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Sorry all, this may be long.
I got married at the end of this past January and will be filing for divorce shortly. Many of our marital problems stemmed from my husband's relationship with his mother, which can definitely be described as enmeshed! For example, his parents aren't rich by any means, but somehow they bought two cottages, one for the summer and one for the winter. My MIL told me that she bought these because "then she could have her family with her." (a comment she now denies making, but...) My hubby had spent the majority of his weekends with his parents at these vacation homes. When we first started dating, I made the mistake of also spending the majority of my free time with them as well. Well, that changed the second year we were dating. I told him I needed to scale back the time I spent there and that I wanted to spend more time with my own family and have time to also pursue my own hobbies. He seemed okay with this.
Then, as soon as we got engaged (last spring), MIL started making odd comments. She has two "grandsons," the mothers of these grandsons are actually her nieces. MIL's twin sister died in a car accident when both of the girls were young, so MIL adopted them. MIL has an especially close relationship with one of them. At the beginning of the summer, she said to me, "I'm going to take A as much as I can this summer, I don't care what K says, I have needs." She wasn't kidding - she takes A for weekends at a time. This seems to be fine with her daughter, K, but... well it's just not for me. I voiced this concern to my fiance, thinking, MIL was telling how it's going to be.. she takes her GKs whenever she likes! My fiance agreed with me, though my MIL overheard our entire conversation. About a week later, she pulled me aside and said, "you know, sometimes we say things we just don't mean." ???
These types of odd comments continued and started to make me even more uncomfortable. She told me I'd have an Italian-themed baby shower (she's Italian, I'm not); she told me she uses baby friendly detergent, even though she doesn't have a baby "right now." Two days before the wedding, we were out for her birthday and she made a statement about how she doesn't share her grandkids with their other grandparents, they shouldn't try because they "won't win." They are rebuilding their summer home to make their year-round residence; she insisted on putting a room off of her master bedroom for all the grandkids to sleep in. This room would only be accessible by her and FIL; all others would have to walk through their master bedroom to get to their kids. And the worst one, come to find out... that the very first time she met my mom she told her that she (MIL) was going to be the favorite grandmother!
I'm very close with my family and told hubby I was very uncomfortable with his mom's behavior. He agreed and seemed just as upset as I was. He confronted his mom, but then when he came home, he told me that his mom had asked if she should apologize. He told her there was no need to apologize. Also, he kind of ripped me a new one for even "making" him say anything to his mom in the first place! I didn't make him do anything and hadn't even suggested he confront her... I just wanted him to know that I was uncomfortable.
Well, all of that started WWIII. I've been accused of attacking his mother, despising her, and failing to see all of the good in her. We tried couples counseling and the counselor told him that he needed to support me and stop defending his mom so much. We went to a total of three sessions together (four for him, he lucked out and got an individual session because I was stuck in traffic and couldn't make it). He stormed out of our last session together and said I could either move back or we could spend more time together, but that counseling was off the table.
Argh. I feel torn. Aren't in law issues typical? I just feel like a divorce seems extreme but on the other hand, I also feel like it's necessary if he refuses to stand up for me as his wife. Thoughts?
I got married at the end of this past January and will be filing for divorce shortly. Many of our marital problems stemmed from my husband's relationship with his mother, which can definitely be described as enmeshed! For example, his parents aren't rich by any means, but somehow they bought two cottages, one for the summer and one for the winter. My MIL told me that she bought these because "then she could have her family with her." (a comment she now denies making, but...) My hubby had spent the majority of his weekends with his parents at these vacation homes. When we first started dating, I made the mistake of also spending the majority of my free time with them as well. Well, that changed the second year we were dating. I told him I needed to scale back the time I spent there and that I wanted to spend more time with my own family and have time to also pursue my own hobbies. He seemed okay with this.
Then, as soon as we got engaged (last spring), MIL started making odd comments. She has two "grandsons," the mothers of these grandsons are actually her nieces. MIL's twin sister died in a car accident when both of the girls were young, so MIL adopted them. MIL has an especially close relationship with one of them. At the beginning of the summer, she said to me, "I'm going to take A as much as I can this summer, I don't care what K says, I have needs." She wasn't kidding - she takes A for weekends at a time. This seems to be fine with her daughter, K, but... well it's just not for me. I voiced this concern to my fiance, thinking, MIL was telling how it's going to be.. she takes her GKs whenever she likes! My fiance agreed with me, though my MIL overheard our entire conversation. About a week later, she pulled me aside and said, "you know, sometimes we say things we just don't mean." ???
These types of odd comments continued and started to make me even more uncomfortable. She told me I'd have an Italian-themed baby shower (she's Italian, I'm not); she told me she uses baby friendly detergent, even though she doesn't have a baby "right now." Two days before the wedding, we were out for her birthday and she made a statement about how she doesn't share her grandkids with their other grandparents, they shouldn't try because they "won't win." They are rebuilding their summer home to make their year-round residence; she insisted on putting a room off of her master bedroom for all the grandkids to sleep in. This room would only be accessible by her and FIL; all others would have to walk through their master bedroom to get to their kids. And the worst one, come to find out... that the very first time she met my mom she told her that she (MIL) was going to be the favorite grandmother!
I'm very close with my family and told hubby I was very uncomfortable with his mom's behavior. He agreed and seemed just as upset as I was. He confronted his mom, but then when he came home, he told me that his mom had asked if she should apologize. He told her there was no need to apologize. Also, he kind of ripped me a new one for even "making" him say anything to his mom in the first place! I didn't make him do anything and hadn't even suggested he confront her... I just wanted him to know that I was uncomfortable.
Well, all of that started WWIII. I've been accused of attacking his mother, despising her, and failing to see all of the good in her. We tried couples counseling and the counselor told him that he needed to support me and stop defending his mom so much. We went to a total of three sessions together (four for him, he lucked out and got an individual session because I was stuck in traffic and couldn't make it). He stormed out of our last session together and said I could either move back or we could spend more time together, but that counseling was off the table.
Argh. I feel torn. Aren't in law issues typical? I just feel like a divorce seems extreme but on the other hand, I also feel like it's necessary if he refuses to stand up for me as his wife. Thoughts?
In the other post you said you realized he probably lied about why his ex wife left and you feel it is the same thing as with you, and is about his family. Youre probably right. Before you were married, you had some red flags about his family that you saw and ignored and there is some real dysfunction there that needs therapy but his Mom will never get it. Know that others have difficulties in childhood, but it doesnt make them do what his Mom does or go as far as his Mom does. I believe that deep in his mind he has not come to the mental realization that the marriage is between you and him instead of between Mom and him. That you talk to him about being uncomfortable and it eventually ends up with chewing you outnot good and YOU KNOW HE DIDNT CHEW HIS MOM OUT as she probably would have mentally brought him to his knees if he tried that stunt on her. He gives 100 percent to Mom, and nothing to you.
Its clear that he is going to take his family to see his parents EVERY WEEKEND regardless of if you want time to yourself or want to do other family activities. He doesnt care how you feel, why you feel that way, or even that you have that opinion. He has already got it set up in his world that every weekend is at Moms and hes been doing it and thats final.
Hes concerned that you are gaining some strength, courage and control and hes trying to gain back control by stopping therapy, having the outburst and giving you the ultimatum and its up to you to decide what you what to do and what you are willing to accept for yourself and your children in your future life. But its clear that he knows exactly what he will do and he will be spending all his weekends with his mom with or without you. If it is without you it will be until he finds the next woman, and then the next woman, and then the next woman. Many hugs.
I honestly did have a MIL from hell. Once I learned to pretend that she never said all those nasty things, they seemed to dwindle down till they quit, many years later
I learned she never did what she said she was going to do. If she wanted to take other grand kids, that was her business and not mine. I can only change myself, not her. If she had wanted to throw me a Japanese shower, I would have been tickled to death she wanted to throw me any kind of a shower. If she used baby friendly soap--- so what????
I know, people thought I was crazy for putting up with my MIL for so many years. It was TOUGH work and it took nerves of steel.
In the end, I was the only friend she had, and I never will regret the time I spent with her.
I really think in your case it would be so much easier to get a divorce now, and get on with your life. It really sounds like you are all just to different.
I think you made a huge mistake going with him every weekend when you were first dating. That totally gave him and his Mother the wrong impression.
In your next relationship please speak up for yourself and do what you would like to do instead of always just going along with your boyfriend. You would be doing both yourself and him a huge favor.
You CAN NOT marry someone expecting them to change. Spend more time figuring out what makes the next boyfriend tick BEFORE you get married.
I really am sorry about your situation. I wish you the best.
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How about making the provision that the three weekends you visit your MIL during the summer and winter, you and your husband rent a room at a hotel/motel so you would not be staying at night at his parent's home. It would give you a chance to have your privacy and alone time, but then arrange for everyone to get together to have lunch, dinner or whatever activities. But you would return to the hotel/motel to spend the night. It would reign in his Mom on a lot of things.
It would be the start to set boundaries for you so your husband and your MIL know if she carries on, you leave and go to the hotel room. It really gives you a place to get away from her if she starts. And you leave with she starts so you start to train her that she doesn't act like that around you.
Also by renting at a hotel/motel all the time, hopefully she will learn that any future kids will be staying at the hotel/motel and not at her place and "put in the room where no one else has access except her." That's not acceptable in my estimation. With my son, I would check on him if I got up to go to the bathroom, or if I heard a noise. It's not unusual for parents to check up on their kids.
Also consider when this offer came through. Did it come through when you were in counseling or after he had the outburst and quit counseling. And realize that the offer may only last a short time and was done to get you to stay. You're exhausted now and need time to rest and think. Don't make decisions right now and consider everything. Take care and hugs.
on the other hand, i do take to heart what you said about having set precedents. yes, this was totally my fault. i should not have done that. and true, i was under the impression (false as it may have been) that once we were married and started a family of our own, things would naturally change because, you have things like play dates, and seeing other grandparents and then eventually sports, birthday parties, etc. that will naturally take you away from "obligations" such as spending weekends at a time with the grandparents. i see now that i was dead wrong and the main priority is spending time with his family. i will make sure i speak up in the future. i know what you're getting at though - i did skip a lot of things that were important to me, such as tabata class, etc. on the weekends because i "had" to be with his family at their summer home. so, yes, total shame on me for that and lesson learned!!!
my husband is pretty rigid in his thinking and believes that children change nothing; you just pack them up and go, like you would for yourselves.
to astimegoes - that compromise came with counseling as far as the three weekends per season deal. and yes, i do think he was saying it just to get me back. honestly, in some ways i feel for him. he feels put in the middle. but then again, i don't feel for him. im his wife, he should want to start a life with me, not just treat me as an appendage to his family of origin.
anyway, staying separate is not an option, i've brought that up before; he claims that the draw for him is that going to his parents is a form of a "free vacation." like i said, we live 45 minutes from their summer home, so, really, we could theoretically just go home at the end of the night and show up the next day.... and since they own the winter place, he figures well it just cuts down on cost because skiing and snowmobiling are soooooo expensive.
MIL has weaved this so that my husband always wants to stay there. It's free, it's "quality" time with family....so why not. he gives lip service to having his own family but when it comes down to it... it's all about staying with mommy and daddy. I DO like your suggestions though and think they are spot on. you seem very wise and maybe have been in my position at some point as well?!
well i did it. quit my job, enrolled myself in a master's program to become a teacher. like i said, he didn't pay a dime, i wiped out my own savings and dipped into my retirement accounts.
oh, come to find out... before we got married... in january (now keep in mind i had quit working last august, started school in september...) he had asked his mommy whether or not he should get a prenup with me. because you know, maybe if we ever divorced i'd want his pension. even though i was spending down my own retirement savings.... he was worried and concerned about that.
i've already made up my mind.... the more i think about it, i married a real A-hole!!!
There does not seem to be much equity in decision making here. I really have thought about this and I can't come up with ideas for working this out. He has to be flexible and compromise and I just don't believe he has that ability. I suspect that if you two reconcile, that he will not honor the time spent at his moms and just go every weekend again.
He also made sure you didn't have a good working income for if you ever left. PLEASE, for the future never let someone change who you are. You were making good money in financial services and you could have returned to that, but changed careers to being a teacher at a much lower salary because that's what he wanted.
Dr. Phil says that after a relationship is completely over (a divorce is finished), to do a very truthful autopsy as to really what happened including your own responsibility. He said if you learn anything form it, it is tuition in life.
So don't feel bad, but know that we all get lessons handed to us and if we learn from them, we certainly can help ourselves in the future. Many hugs and good luck.
he wouldn't have needed to dip into retirement savings, he already had it sitting in his every day checking account. so no tax consequnces, etc.
with the job situation, it was tough. i was very unhappy where i was and had been contemplating a change anyway, since we were getting married. my job in financial services required a lot of travel. i live on the east coast, most of my clients were in California so i would usually be gone for at least a few days every month. i grew up with a stay at home mom, so the thought of working a lot of long hours and physically being away a lot was just really hard for me. i thought i had the support and commitment of my husband, but not so much.
thank you for that quote from dr. phil! yes, i am in counseling right now to unravel all of this and what my role is. thanks so much for your support and advice, i truly appreciate it!
Since then you have been posting some of the things you have done to try and make your husband happy.
I think HE is the real problem with your marriage and I really think you and your future, would be much happier if you got out now. I bet someone who really cared about you, your interests and your family will come along and the wait will be well worth it!!!!
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I think that is also the reason our marriage didn't work, he was to immature and did not want the responsibilty.