Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I left my stbxh two months ago, and this weekend was the first that my daughter actually spent the night at her dad's house. He is still in our marital home; my 16 yo daughter and I moved out into an apartment and feel at home here. I left my stbx over his years of infidelity and his inability to give up alcohol. He doesn't think he has a drinking problem - I do. And now, after her weekend there, I really do.
July 5 is his birthday, so we arranged that she would go there on the 4th to celebrate with fireworks and then she would stay the night and then they would spend his birthday together. She had tickets to a local baseball game where she was singing the national anthem, then they would enjoy the game and he would drop her at my place afterwards.
When she walked in after he dropped her off, she went straight to her room, which worried me. They never got along very well, but she said they'd been getting along better since we separated. So, this was a red flag that something was wrong. When she came out, she was crying, so I asked her to talk to me. Ugh. He is such an ass!!! Why can't he just be a dad??? I guess after the fireworks on the 4th, they went back to the house to watch a movie and he was sneaking shots of whiskey in the kitchen. She said he was drunk which made her feel insecure. She had to lock up the house because he didn't. She said he was calling her cry baby when she said the movie was too scary and she wanted a light left on. She said he kept saying things that hurt her feelings.
I get that it's his first holiday and birthday alone in 25 years, but he should be the grown up! He's the parent! She said, "I felt like he didn't care about me enough to not drink while I was there." Why can't he figure that out???
In the end, after we both cried together, I told her that I wouldn't force her to spend the night over there. She said she does want to, but she doesn't feel safe when he's drunk, even though she knows the house it doesn't feel like home. She begged me not to text him or call him about what she said, because then he gets mad at her for running to me. I told her that eventually we would have to talk to him about it, but even I don't know what to say.
Another thing he did that pissed me off in a different way... This is the first time he's done this... Something she's always wanted was braces. Our son didn't take care of his teeth while he had braces and when he got them off he had 12 cavities. So, I've been very hesitant to have braces put on her teeth. Especially since her teeth aren't really that bad. Plus, it will cost me nearly $5K out of pocket. I guess they were talking about how she wants braces and he said she can have braces. He said, "I pay enough in child support that you can get braces." He pays me $650 a month. He thinks it's too much and has yelled and hollered about how it doesn't cost that much to have a 16 yo. He really doesn't understand that it's rent, electricity, food, random stuff, clothes and shoes, hair cuts, school supplies, yearbooks, homecoming, and so much more. Why doesn't he get that? And now I have to figure out where to come up with $5K from his child support for braces?
So, I spent most of last night crying. I've been doing so well, haven't been sad, have been strong and focused on moving forward and then this.
I am so frustrated....
July 5 is his birthday, so we arranged that she would go there on the 4th to celebrate with fireworks and then she would stay the night and then they would spend his birthday together. She had tickets to a local baseball game where she was singing the national anthem, then they would enjoy the game and he would drop her at my place afterwards.
When she walked in after he dropped her off, she went straight to her room, which worried me. They never got along very well, but she said they'd been getting along better since we separated. So, this was a red flag that something was wrong. When she came out, she was crying, so I asked her to talk to me. Ugh. He is such an ass!!! Why can't he just be a dad??? I guess after the fireworks on the 4th, they went back to the house to watch a movie and he was sneaking shots of whiskey in the kitchen. She said he was drunk which made her feel insecure. She had to lock up the house because he didn't. She said he was calling her cry baby when she said the movie was too scary and she wanted a light left on. She said he kept saying things that hurt her feelings.
I get that it's his first holiday and birthday alone in 25 years, but he should be the grown up! He's the parent! She said, "I felt like he didn't care about me enough to not drink while I was there." Why can't he figure that out???
In the end, after we both cried together, I told her that I wouldn't force her to spend the night over there. She said she does want to, but she doesn't feel safe when he's drunk, even though she knows the house it doesn't feel like home. She begged me not to text him or call him about what she said, because then he gets mad at her for running to me. I told her that eventually we would have to talk to him about it, but even I don't know what to say.
Another thing he did that pissed me off in a different way... This is the first time he's done this... Something she's always wanted was braces. Our son didn't take care of his teeth while he had braces and when he got them off he had 12 cavities. So, I've been very hesitant to have braces put on her teeth. Especially since her teeth aren't really that bad. Plus, it will cost me nearly $5K out of pocket. I guess they were talking about how she wants braces and he said she can have braces. He said, "I pay enough in child support that you can get braces." He pays me $650 a month. He thinks it's too much and has yelled and hollered about how it doesn't cost that much to have a 16 yo. He really doesn't understand that it's rent, electricity, food, random stuff, clothes and shoes, hair cuts, school supplies, yearbooks, homecoming, and so much more. Why doesn't he get that? And now I have to figure out where to come up with $5K from his child support for braces?
So, I spent most of last night crying. I've been doing so well, haven't been sad, have been strong and focused on moving forward and then this.
I am so frustrated....
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I'm horrified! I knew my insurance would go up due to getting a new car but I didn't expect it to go up over $2,000. I did have an accident with the snow/ice in the winter. I was just telling my brother that I have had my car since March 2, 2026 and have only spent $75 on an oil change. Now this! I called another insurance company and their quote was over $4,000. I guess I have to pay...
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We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
She's not five She doesn't have to be there if she doesn't wish to. She's old enough to make the decision herself without having to rationalize this decision.
The braces are a different story. The dentist/orthodontist normally decides if your child needs them. If this is determined to be necessary, this is something that should be a split expense. Are you working? Expecting him to cover them entirely isn't really rational.
As for the braces, the dentist hasn't said their necessary, but my husband thinks I should pay for them because he pays child support. He's not offering to pay anything other than what I already get in monthly child support. I don't expect him to pay for them entirely. He wouldn't even pay half if I asked, because he believes everything she ever needs is covered in his monthly payment.
It is a very tough position to be in. My son never wanted to see his father. And of course, I would get flipped out on. I finally said at the time "he's 15, has 20 pounds and six inches on me, I cannot hogtie him and toss him in my trunk to force a visit. You made your decisions, you did your actions, this is yours to fix." If my boy chose not to be there, I could encourage the visit, and remained positive but that's all I could do.
... Your daughter is 16? - At this point she has a say as to whether she wants to go visit her father or not - I tell you what - sometimes, we like to sugar coat things - and that's not how life works - people drink, people smoke weed - people are reckless, people do whatever it is they want and we have no say over that and once we split w/ someone, what they do is none of our BIZ - but is your biz who your daugther is exposed to - and if her father isn't responsible enough to protect her and set an example for her - I would not even suggest to the kid that she should be around him - sorry, that's how I see it.
Sometimes we want to be too nice - or care too much about the kids having a relationship w/the absent parent - but many times we know this person isn't fit - so what's the point of forcing a dysfuntional relationship on a child? I don't get it.
Let this man be a drunk - let him be whatever he wants - and say what he wishes - and in the meantime try your best to protect yourself and your family and don't let him keep impacting your life so much past the separation - keep the drama to a minimum. I know this is hard when you have kids but make sure you aren't adding to it in any way.
Good luck.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings
(((HUGS)))