Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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pattongb 02/11/2008

Can I forgive my stbx for cheating on me? Should I even try? That is my biggest issue right now.

I could probably forgive if it was a one night thing, but she is still seeing the guy, and we have only been seperated 3 weeks.

But I also think about the fact that during the last year or two I wasnt a very good husband. I was withdrawn and selfish. We didnt have sex very often and we didnt touch or talk much. Now part of that is her fault for not reaching out to me, so I dont take all the blame. But still.

Should I fogive her and say she deserves to be with someone else, even if it is right away and destroying me?

Of course everything would be so much easier for all of us if I forgave her, and got over the fact she is with this guy. But at the same time my anger towards her gives me strength, and it seems like every time I try to be friends with her it hurts me more and sets me back inside.

Then I ask myself maybe this is a fling and she will get sick of this guy and realize she still has feelings for me. Surely forgiving her and being nice to her would help rekindle those feelings if that were to happen, rather than being distant because I cant fogive her...

I just dont know what to think.

deleted_user 02/11/2008

These kinds of posts break my heart. It's a mind F***, as some say. You need to focus on YOU and YOUR recovery. You have to think in terms of she is NOT your lover, NOT your wife, NOT your friend, NOT your advocate any longer...

Forgiveness will come in time when you are READY to forgive her. You have to go through all the other crap first.

deleted_user 02/11/2008

You are dealing with a lot right now. I would wait things out a bit. I am at the point that I know I would not take mine back. I really didn't think I would ever feel this way. But after what he has been putting my children through with his selfishness I would not want to be with that person anymore. My opinion, what do you really want???

deleted_user 02/11/2008

Forgiving is easy it is forgetting that is hard and you never can trust them again like you once did, no matter how you try.

chowgirl 02/11/2008

I think forgiveness is the key to total healing. The anger will eventually dissipate, and you'll have to deal with the hurt, so it's a matter of when you feel strong enough to face that. I don't know how anyone can be friends with their ex in the beginning, so that doesn't factor into it for me. Forgiving him and me, and moving on with my life has been the key to my sanity the last few weeks. I would forgive with the assumption that she's not coming back, but it's better for your heart anyway.

deleted_user 02/11/2008

I agree with Wick, I forgave once...of course he denied it, but i had unmistakable evidence. Now this time--there is no going back. Fool me once shame on you--fool me twice shame on me. If you really want this person back...they need to leave the OM and never have contact with them again. They need to come clean with you and then you both need to go to counceling. And yes they must do all three. But as Wick said forgiving is the easy part compared to the forgetting.

deleted_user 02/11/2008

I'm confused, have you benn talking to her about getting back together? or talking to her about saving the marriage or what?

deleted_user 02/11/2008

you can forgive, but don't get the idea that this will fix anything, just makes you the bigger person, it's only natural to blame yourself, she made the decision to stray, and if i am not mistaken it read foresaking all others for better or for worse til death. believe it that she does have feelings for you, and in time she will attempt to reconcile, a nice ego boost, but please don't fall for it, evrything will be peachy for awhile then the first argument comes up and away you go. be strong my friend and take it one day at a time

deleted_user 02/11/2008

Let's see NO! comes to mind as she hasn't done anything to change her behaviour. I know you love her, and want her back, but insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over, and expect different results. I would work on you first, counseling, and the like, see if she is willing to participate. I am still waiting on my wife to participate in counseling.. if she doesn't ... then I have to rethink things, if she dates, I am definately done.

deleted_user 02/11/2008

I think infidelity is one of the few things that just can't be forgiven in a marriage. You can forgive her but your marriage can't forgive her.
So forgive her to give your soul peace but thats it.

pattongb 02/11/2008

Well it doesnt help that I know she has not been completely honest about what happened with her and her boyfriend (how they met and when etc).

I just spoke with her and she agreed to tell me everything tonight. She says she wasnt being completely honest with me because she was worried I would change the divorce agreement.

So now im going to go and hear what really happened, assuming she is honest with me this time. (Who the hell knows).

I have a feeling im not going to like what I hear (aka she has been cheating on me for a while); and then I will be back to being pretty pissed off.

LOL the whole thing is one big roller coaster through hell.

deleted_user 02/11/2008

You'll forgive her when your ready to forgive her. You need to start finding something else to occupy your mind for a part of the day. Your driving yourself crazy trying to make all of these decisions when your still in such an emotional upheaval. There is no time limit but there does need to be an end to what your putting yourself thru.

deleted_user 02/11/2008

You will forgive when you are ready to. Go with your heart. Don't forgive thinking that she may see that and come back to you and you will live happily ever after. You will set yourself up for disappointment.

deleted_user 02/11/2008

do you really want all the details? i did and man i almost threw up, ignorance is bliss, you already know the truth, by letting her give you all the details, she is getting the upper hand. just forgive and move on, the pain won't be worth it. i know from experience

pattongb 02/11/2008

Ive been thinking about that.

If I dont know the truth she will always be able to claim it all started After we seperated (the physical part anyways). If she admits she started it before the seperation then at least I will always know she is not the person I married.

But not knowing may be better too. I guess if I thought this guy wasnt going to be around for the long haul I wouldnt care. But since I have a feeling he is long term for her, I want to know the truth so im not wondering everytime I see them together.

deleted_user 02/11/2008

I'm with Seeking...forgiveness only comes when you're ready. You can't force it, you can't wish it to be there for you. You've got a lot of other stuff to work through before you even begin to address the forgiveness issue.

Step back and get a little perspective. What would you tell your son if he were asking this question? How would you tell him to care for himself. So should you.

Good luck.

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