I think the bigger questions is, do you want to change? And, do you really, truly, believe you need to?

yes.

get a good counselor.

This is part of the process. I remember telling my stbx that I could change if that would help. That I know there were things that I did that I could improve on. I tried to beg him to come back. But he was already gone. It wasn't me, it was him.

Depends. You need to do it for you first. Anything else is fleeting.

It's a two way street my darling friend....both coulda, woulda, shoulda......your voyage is status is as it is....look at the reality and not on the mistakes....the shouldas......start from ground zero and deal with the reality of things.

I meant... you can change if you *want* to change, for your own self. You changing is better if it's for yourself.

rooting for you ~~~

Z that is good advice but your avi.... I can't read anything... lmao!!!!

rman

I asked the same question you did.

read this journal entry

http://www.dailystrength.org/people/359394/journal/1540901

deramo

Rman,

The answer... Yes and no. The fact that you ask says you have already started. The real question is to ask what you need and want to be.

First... Your core values were formed as a child. This happens between 1 and 4 years old. Most people have good core values. (There are the occasional monsters) On top of your core values came your core personality traits. These form between 3 and 9 years of age. Your core values and personality traits are fairly embedded into you brain functioning. So, it is difficult or impossible to change these things.

You will notice, when things get "out of hand", you will fall back to your base personality. That is to say, if you can't handle it as an adult, you will handle it as a child.

So, how do you change?

Learn!

Starting in preteen years you start to learn what are called "coping skills" these are skills that help you deal/cope with every days challenges. Some skills you learn are correct, some are not. But, when a problem arises you first use your "skill set" to try and deal with the issue. If you fail, then you fall back to your childhood personality.

Now, think about how a 6/7 year old reacts to situations. Some throw temper tantrums, some run and hide, some strike back, and so on. Most core personalities do not react well to conflict. By the way, this the thing counselors call the "inner child". We all have one. And, we all end up there at times.

What you need to do is to learn the skills you need or are missing so that you never fall back onto you "inner child".

And, the first and best skill to learn is the skill that will help you realize "when" you are falling back on your inner child. If you can recognize when you are becoming your inner child, you can short cut it, take a time out, and acknowledge to yourself that you have hit a scenario you were not prepared to deal with.

Many abuse management programs (and all of the really successful ones) center around learning that single skill. Also, Buddhist training also centers around learning how to recognize this and control how you deal with untrained situations.


So, can you change?

No - You cannot change your core values or your inner child. Not really.

and

Yes - You can learn and fix the coping skills you have to become a better person.


There was a post on here to get a good counselor. I recommend that as well. But, a good counselor will also tell you what I just said above. I also recommend a lot of inner reflection. Learn how to recognize when you are using good skills, bad skills, and falling back to your inner child. Also, pick up some Buddhist training guides. Learn about "The Path of Patience", and "Emotion Management". This should give you a good start.

Everybody changes. Change just happens.

What you want is growth.

Backup Man with R.

Why the hell do you wanna change?