Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Can someone say Chicken
Ok, I have started to get my ducks in a row and plan my divorce. I am doing it quietly behind his back as I do not have the strength to face him upfront. I am scared, I must admit. I can’t read his moods. He is this constant persona of friendliness and love. But I know him too well. I know he knows that something is up. He is waiting for me to make a move. He is a great chess player, and I am not. I am a simple person. Black is black, and white is white. I don’t do grey areas, or play survivor where you have to outwit the other one. So he still has the upper hand even though he doesn’t even know it.
I might have slipped up. And I am petrified. I cried on someone shoulder which I shouldn’t have done. I have develop emotions for someone I shouldn’t have. And I know this person cares for me too. We have admitted it to each other, but I still have enough sense in me not to react to it. However, I feel like I am cheating. I feel guilty and this guilt is telling me to stay because I am a bad person.
But I AM NOT STAYING. I need to start talking to a lawyer. I have made my decision. If I can only get to the next part without messing it up. I need to find a place and furniture. The more I plan my life, the more real this becomes, (and for crying out loud the more scared I become). No normal person should be scared of their partner. He has not laid a hand on me for years. He tried once this year when I told him to find work. But the moment he pushed me up against the wall I told him that he will spend his life in jail, he should carefully decide his next move. It might have sounded and looked like I was brave, but I was having 10 heart attacks at once. That might have stopped him from hitting me, but it has not stopped that unspoken force of anger when he looks at me. He might be all lovey dovey but that doesn’t mean he has changed. All it means is that he has caught on to the fact that I am up to something and he is just waiting for me to show my cards. I must admit, the phisical abuse was easier to handle than this emotional abuse I have do endure every day. The small hints of threaths, of letting me know that I will not get my kids if I ever leave or that I am a bad person.
I can’t read him. He is distant and watches me like a hawk. Things are actually better at home. He is working, earning some sort of income and trying to clean our place up. But how long will it last. Do I need to stay just because he is once again making an effort, or do I have the right to leave giving all the stuff he has put me through? ?
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It's been some time since my last post...sorry. I've been going through a challenging time with the sale of my home, purchase of a condo and my adult asperger son that lives with me. I've had days where I couldn't get out of bed, days where I stayed in my pj's and days where all I managed to do was eat, drink fluids and take care of my Sweet Mia kitty. Sweet Mia came to me from a shelter about...
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If I come to DS and it won't do anything when I click "Login", I go to a post, click and then click "Leave a Reply". Then it will let me log in.Of course, sometimes DS just goes to "Error 504". Then I can't log in.
People on how to leave safely. There is also
a great group On here physical and emotional
abuse forum they Are very helpful and understand
the dynamics.
I am very sorry for all your hurt and pain take
Care of yourself and your children and have
a safety Plan in place first before doing
anything. HUGS
I hope it all works out well for you.
That is the biggest reason I haven't just walked out. I am doubting myself so much. I feel like I am not going to make it without him, and that I will destroy all our kids lives if I walk.
And then he says I am ungrateful. We live in poverty, no electricity, no running water, no plumbing. We bought this property because we were so far behind on our rent that we were about to be put out on the street. So I made a personal loan from a family member and bought a piece of land. But he has screwed that up so much that most of the people around us thinks we are crooks.
I actually am feeling like I will never be able to escape this hell...
Years ago, I read a book called "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It changed my life. I saw then that nothing I did brought any of this on. Bancroft has a great blog too called Healing and Hope and this article below is on that blog. This article also changed my life and I go back to it whenever he is making me feel stupid and worthless. I hope it helps you too.
"WHEN HIS PUT-DOWNS SOUND TRUE
Some of the hardest put-downs to deal with are the ones that seem to have aspects of truth to them. Maybe he’s snarling at you that you can’t handle money, and the truth is that your finances really are in a mess. Maybe he’s calling you fat, and in reality you have indeed put on some pounds. Maybe he’s saying that everyone thinks you’re a psycho, and the truth is that some important friends actually have turned against you.
Does this mean that he’s trying to help you to face some things that you need to face? Does this mean you are wrong to feel bad about the ways you are being verbally torn apart?
No.
The truth is that even when he seems to be right, he’s still wrong. And he's definitely not trying to help, though he may tell you he is. Here are reasons not to take his statements to heart:
1) Because he’s exaggerating your difficulties in order to hurt you, even if there are partial truths in his words.
2) Because he’s telling you that everything that is difficult in your life is your own fault, and that it shows what a weak person you are underneath. And that’s completely false.
3) Because he’s ignoring how profoundly his mistreatment of you has contributed to these problems, or even created them entirely. When you live with a chronically insulting and undermining partner, your self-esteem suffers, your friendships suffer, your concentration suffers. He’s certainly not helping – he’s making everything worse.
4) Because people’s difficulties don’t – and shouldn’t – define who they are.
A man who chronically mistreats you is a terrible source of information about who you are. His vision is too distorted, too self-centered, and too self-serving to have any useful clarity, especially when the subject is you.
To put it concisely: It is impossible for a man to see a woman clearly while he is controlling her, abusing her, or cheating on her
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A meditation for today: “I will listen carefully to my own inner voices, and to people who love me and treat me well. His harangues need to go in one ear and out the other.”
On that site, you put in your city/state and it will let you know where to go for help. A counselor there can help you plan your way out very carefully. Please don’t do anything drastic without a good plan. Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for the abused woman.
I’m not sure if you have tried marriage counseling or anger management training for your husband, but they are steps to take IF YOU ARE not in current danger. Your first priority is to ensure you and your children are safe.
You are not a BAD person because you made a mistake but I would definitely end the relationship you have started because you need to take care of yourself.
Please be careful and talk with someone that knows how to go about this by going to that website I mentioned above. I’ll pray for your family’s safety!
Suzy