Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
This is my first post here and its gonna be a long one...
Me and my STBX have been together for almost 20 years and have been married for 15 (my 15th wedding anniversary was two days ago). We have 4 children together. We have been separated for 5 months (she has been living with her mom) and she filed for divorce 3 months ago. We are one month away from going into mediation to figure out custody and everything.
As a child my dad was super emotionally and physically abusive to me. Because of my past when fighting with Desiray, I would often retreat, and brush things under the rug. I have had depression/anxiety most of my life. Me and my wife were never the best of friends. She basically had her life (she stayed home while raising our children, because that is what she wanted to do), and I had mine.
In the past I know that I had been selfish, angry and bitter (I know I sound like a winner right?), but in these last 5 months, I have gone and seen a psychologist around 20 times now, meet with Christian counselors and have truly worked hard on myself.
I live in a house that my parents bought, so when we were having issues she moved out - to her moms. She wanted to work on things for a while, but when I stepped up to the plate and said I'm ready to put everything into fixing our relationship she completely withdrew.
I have been fighting like hell to be the husband that she deserves. I used to play lots of video games, workout a lot and didn't really want to engage in family activites. But since we have separated (we have done 50/50 split of the kids during our separation), I have been the best dad I've EVER been and have been completely plugged into my family. I have stopped destracting myself from the most important people in my life - my wife and children.
I know the person that I am becomming, but my wife doesn't think that I can be who I am now, and who I am trying to become. When I have started to pull away (like her), she wants to talk and we have had sex. But always shortly afterwards she pulls away again. She says that she wants me to prove who I am long term, and hopes that we could get together again one day, but can't guarantee we will date after we are divorced.
I know that I deserve love. I know that I needed to change. I've came broken to God and came with all my shame, short-commings, regret and sins and laid them at the cross. My heart is truly changed and I'm never going to resemble who I was in the past.
Her dream was always to have an awesome family. She wanted to grow old with me and raise our kids together and have a small/humble life. Now I am the only one who is left holding onto that dream. I've given her tons of love letters and have shown her who I am now. But she doesn't believe it.
My whole life I have had a hard time truly fully loving because of trust issues from my childhood. During our separation she wanted me to get help and I have. I can say that I have become the best husband that I have ever been since our separation. I have read through the Power of a Praying Husband 5 times. I have prayed for her, put her first, and loved her completely. I used to flirt (innocently, but I have realized that I NEVER should have done that at all), and now I don't talk to women at all. I work at a hospital with tons of women and I don't want anything but my family.
But the problem is that she is done. When I send her love letters and say nice things, she says that I am just trying to manipulate her and she says I'm a master manipulator. It seriously breaks my heart that when I have journeyed so far and given so much (literally every piece of my soul into becoming a better husband, dad, and child of God), that she has completely given up.
So how do I take my heart back? How do I let our family dream go? My children cry to me at night and say things like, "I wish we could go back in time to when you and mom were together." I don't want another spouse, I just want my family. I want a simple, loving family that creates a dynasty.
How do I let the dream go? What do I do with my heart?
From what you have written, you have not been the best for 150 days seversl times over. Sorry, bit in my book, nobody gets kudos for becoming who and what they should have been all along.
But because she hasn't showered you with praise for finally doing what you should have been doing all along, you are ready to give up. Maybe she should have given up on you and your selfishness 5, 10, 15 years ago.
I am a recovered alcoholic - I wasn't the best wife and/or mother for quite a few years. Once I sobered up, I expected everyone to be patting me on the back and giving my praise for "all my hardwork" in not drinking. I once announced to my sister "Wow, I haven't been drunk in 4 months" like I deserved a big prize. She looked me dead in the eyes and said "Wow, I haven't been drunk EVER." Maybe she deserved the prize.
I still stand by my original statement. If you are already ready to throw in the towel, your wife was right to file for divorce.
PS. From what I have read, it takes more than 5 months to create a "dynasty".
And I ran across this.
"She says that she wants me to prove who I am long term."
You are proving who you are - someone willing to give up prematurely.
To prove who you are "long term", continue to be the best father and co-parent you can be. Not because you want to get your wife back, but because that IS who you are. If you are able to reconcile with your wife, that is a bonus. Be who you should me and maybe your wife will once again see you as the father of her children and as her husband. Giving up because things aren't going you way as quickly as you want them to happen is very counter-productive.
Sorry, but 5 months is not "long term". I have a gym membership commitment that is more long term than that.
He hasn't put any effort into trying to keep me because he knows I'm here. But she wants you to stay consistent with who you are becoming. Stay consistent and prove to her that you have changed and you are still willing to fight for your family. I know it hurts when she turns you away. But remember to she was hurt to for a long time. Don't give up and keep fighting.