Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I'm in so much turmoil and it has been consuming my thoughts to the point that I feel I'm going crazy and can't think of anything else, can't eat, can't sleep, and both my emotional and physical health are suffering. I want to take control back but don't know how.
It's been just over a week that my husband of 16 years confessed to an emotional affair, which had been manifesting itself in various ways for the past year, leading to constant fights for months.
Now he says he wants to change and focus on us and our marriage. To his credit, he has been trying, and has been more open with me. He says the affair over, but my fear is, how do I know it is? How can I take his word after he has been lying to my face for months, even the days leading up to the moment before finally confessing? And has he told me the whole truth?
Also, it hurts to know that there is a woman out there who knows all about me and our marriage, about our greatest flaws and weaknesses, about our painful experiences of wanting and not being able to have children. He wants to try anew and do fertility treatments, but he doesn't understand that I'm not ready for this, not to try again after coming off this fresh wound of his betrayal. He wants to start the new year looking forward, which I understand because I do too, but he doesn't get that I'm still processing what he did, and I'm still grieving.
And I don't know how to trust him again. I don't think he realizes how his actions have broken something that I don't know how to put back together. I used to believe in him, and in us, but now I don't. I don't know how to recover from that.
With it if you are thinking reconciliation. There
Has to be no contact what so ever between
the affairs partners or it will never work.
There has to be transparency and trust has
To be earned. Some make it, some dont, some
Can not move over the mountain you mentioned.
My ex first had an emotional attachment with
Another woman what was left of our marriage
Was over. The trust, faith, respect, honor was
Gone. It was not even an emotional affair.
Then he went underground with another one, he
liked all The ego stroking and how another woman
made Him feel. He asked for a divorce so he could
Have a better relationship with her. The three of them
Were friends. HUGS
At the same time, he really is a good person (in general), and I understand that we both had a responsibility to be there for each other and make our marriage work, and in the past we have both failed each other, in that maybe we let our personal grief and sadness about our circumstances get in the way and focused instead on things like work and other distractions that led us to separate lives together.
I told him to stop all contact with her and he said he will. But that's where I don't know if I can believe it since I had already asked him to stop talking to her so much when I knew she was a friend but it seemed like they were getting too chummy, and he didn't. Stupid me, I had no idea as to the true nature of their relationship at the time.
I think he means it when he says he wants to start anew. But I can't get past the pain, it's simply too raw and fresh. I think of the horrible tragedy if he really has made changes and I simply can't learn to trust again, or if I believe him and then he slips and turns toward the other woman again. It's such a precarious situation and I hate how it's messing with my head.
Thank you for the sympathy. I can't imagine how I'd feel if he was still emotionally attached. I think he still is (how can you not after daily contact for months that has become routine?), but it does feel like it's waning.
Infidelity forum on here too. HUGS
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/infidelity
All I will say is that once you have taken time to process it - and it might take a long time - the questions you have to ask are: does he say he wants to make it work? Will you regret/be able to live with not letting him try. Only takes one chance to change. What he did was dispiccable and how you are feeling is completely understandable. I think trisha is right, therapy might help. It won't be an easy road but if you think it's worth it then go for it. If not then you need to be strong for yourself and move on. I wouldn't rush your decision though.
I did start seeing a therapist mid last month. So far she hasn't really helped me other than having me talk and suggesting things like yoga and meditation. But then again, I didn't know about the other woman and only talked about how lonely I've been feeling and the fights we get into because he's doesn't talk when he's home and he's so withdrawn. Looking back I feel so stupid, not realizing what it all was. But I guess that is what love is, right? Giving your loved one the benefit of the doubt until they prove otherwise. Maybe now that I know the cause of all the distancing, the therapist will be a better help.