constant fighting and distance...and he didn't care to tell me where and when he was going places.

I caught my stbx having an EA with a woman from his past that friended him on FB which let to phone calls and texting...once I discovered that and he claimed it was nothing I spent a year trying to work on us..but..he was distant and not himself, said things unlike ever before. He swore up and down he was talking to anyone and there was nobody else involved...that is until I found a saved chat night before Halloween that dated back to August...then I knew he was lying again and I kicked him out.

Didn't see mine coming. But I was expecting it anyway, because the relationship seemed too good to be true, and that kind of stuff doesn't happen to me. So it wasn't a total shock.

That's an interesting take hansyhans. It was basically my xgf's take too and almost from the beginning. For the life of me I couldn't understand why.

When my mind was clear and I was able to assess the relationship and breakups, I think there was more than a little self-sabotage on her part. She didn't think she deserved it, it had to end, and better she ended it than suffer the pain of abandonment. Again.

And to the OP, if I'm honest and because of what I just said above, I suppose I saw it coming, especially after the second breakup. I just wouldn't admit it to myself. I loved her far too much.

Didn't see the breakup coming cause I was putting so much effort into trying to make it better. Now I saw all the signs. He was becoming distant over the course of a year (which later found out corresponded to him become "friends" with a female co-worker). Kept trying to reconnect with him, but he wouldn't put any effort in, just went through the motions. He wouldn't talk to me, was too busy texting his friends...even on vacation. Anytime I tried to work on the relationship, he would explode, leave the room and then say it was my fault. Kept starting fights over the littlest things and then used the excuse that he wanted to hang out with his friends without me at least twice a week.

Hansyhans, you DO deserve good things. You should NEVER feel like you do not deserve goodness. You deserve good things. You are worthy of them. Never forget that. I say that to myself almost daily. I felt sad when I read your post, Hansyhans.

I knew there were issues, but he kept telling me it was just him, he had some stuff to work through & that everything between us was fine. We were just starting a business together when I realized something really bad was up - I asked him if we should proceed separately (with the business), he said "No". A month after that he was telling me he wanted to move out, I had ruined his life & so on. We've done marriage counseling & are still working on it.

I read a book called "Uncoupling" right after he was good enough to let me know he was halfway out the door...it hit me hard & really opened my eyes.

I should say, the Uncoupling book pretty much gives you *all* the signs...things you don't even realize are signs. It also talks about how by the time the person being left finds out what's going on, the other person is pretty much gone already & has been getting support from other sources (friends, family, someone they're having an affair with...whatever) so it hits the one being left even harder because they have so far to go to catch up to where the leaver is at.

At the time...no i didnt see it coming....but as i started healing and looking back on the whole thing....i guess i did know but was in denial (i guess thats the word im looking for) about a year into the relationship i found dvds with videos of several different women taking thier clothes off and assorted pics of different women....when confronted he made up some story which i believed at the time (i think because i was afraid to be alone and was willing at the time to believe his lies) then he was calling women in different states always in the middle of the night for hours at a time....theres other things but i dont want this to be too long.....anyhow....i spent the last year of our relationship "fixing" it (i guess) thinking i was to blame (cause he turned it around on me being "jealous and insecure") maybe i was but it was his behaviors that made me feel that way....so at the time no i didnt see it coming but also yes i did was just in denial about it...if that makes sense

"...by the time the person being left finds out what's going on, the other person is pretty much gone already & has been getting support from other sources (friends, family, someone they're having an affair with...whatever) so it hits the one being left even harder because they have so far to go to catch up to where the leaver is at."

Yep.