Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi,
My ex girlfriend and I had been together for 3 1/2 years and every aspect of our lives was intertwined. In the past six months though things were not fantastic as she was incredibly busy with work and was never home, I had started shift work with an ambulance service which was very emotionally demanding. We were both exhausted all the time. We basically never spent any time together and when we did we either had a great day or we fought. Coming up to Christmas things go progressively worse due to family commitments completely stripping away any spare time and my partner found out that her job was no longer secure and was waiting to hear if she still had a job or not. I was being slammed at work and had a very large period where I experienced a lot of traumatic things all at once whilst on the job.
Just before New Years we decided to call a break because we were both unhappy and despite “trying” to work on our relationship for the past few months things hadn’t gotten better.
We went no contact for nearly a week and then both went to the same New Year’s Eve party, that’s was confusing as we were still on a break (we didn’t tell our friends as we didn’t want to dampen the mood so we were friendly but able to get away with little interaction) but she reverted to calling me babe and even kissing me several times on the stroke of midnight and telling me she loved me. The next morning though we reverted back to being on our break which included the behaviours of no touching /no acting like a couple but she made the comment to me that she wanted nothing more than to be tucked up in bed watching Netflix’s with me later on (even though we both knew that wasn’t to happen) - fast forward another 4 days and she says she is finally ready to talk.
i foolishly went in with hope that she was wanting to try again but unfortunately she said the following things:
- that she needed to figure out what she wanted in life (mainly her job situation as her job was a big thing she used to define herself) and she needed to work on herself so she could be a better partner. She was also worried that I’d she took another job with demanding hours that she would only hurt me again
- that she doesn’t want us to keep going the way we are In case we both hurt each other so badly that there is no ever coming back from it / we hate each other and don’t want to be in one another’s lives
- she loved me so much and didn’t want me to think that it was a case of her not wanting me, because she does want me just can’t be with me right now
- she can’t figure out what she wants if she is constantly considering me in the picture as well
- she feels burnt out
- she hopes that if she can work herself out that we maybe able to get back together and that her parents did the same thing (they broke up for a year and then got back together and have been together ever since)
- she doesn’t want me to wait though because knows that not fair and she has made wait in the past before
- she said her mother believes we will get back together
- as I was leaving she said “I love you”
Now im a real black and white person so I basically asked if this meant the relationship was completely over or not and the first few times I asked that she didn’t give me a definite answer just something that beat around the bush..the final time asked her though she gave me somewhat of a concrete answer so I took that as us being over.
I even asked her to be honest with the following:
- was it really because she had fallen out of love with me or because she loved me less? She said no she still really loved me
- did she know on New Years she was going to end things? She said she didn’t know
- was it really because she didn’t believe we where compatible for another another? She said that she doesn’t think it’s because we aren’t compatible. That I am right for her, she just needs to fix herself so she is right.
Now granted I am no fool and know that I wasn’t perfect in the relationship and that there are things I need to work on myself. But this whole situation is very confusing as she didn’t really “end things” in a black and white manner if that makes sense?
We both said we’d really like to stay friends because we were friends before dating and became each other’s best friends.
She also said we shouldn’t speak for 3 weeks minimum which I agreed to but is made difficult by the fact we need to offload our unit and it’s contents at some point. Right now we have both moved back to our parents.
for the most part I always knew her job would cause problems and I often felt like a low priority
I still obviously love and care about her very much. And I know the best way forward is it just accept it is over and not have any hope of a reconciliation.
i just someone one else’s perspective on the situation particularly in regards to how they read it and the following questions:
- is saying one needs time to figure themselves out an actually thing or just a cop out to get out of a relationship?
- Is it common for people to be unsure of situations like these as she seemed hesitant at points?
- how beneficial is no contact in a situation Like this? From what you can read above she has given me hope that maybe she will want to get back together. Is cutting off all contact going to help or hinder the situation?
- I would really like to stay friends with her but don’t know how to do that without seeming desperate - so what is best way to do this?
- I am concerned that she is going to forget about me / give me the cold shoulder because she is so much better than me at doing no contact - she is brilliant at cutting people out from her life - how do I stop caring and worrying about this happening and is there a chance she is hurting as badly as I am?
- with our apartment she said it’s up to me what happens with it as she put me in this situation and if I wanted to continue living there I could. Initially I said yes I would live there but it’s too hard - so I have moved back home for a while - I have decided that the best plan of action for us both would be if neither of us lived there and ended our lease - that way we could both avoid prolonging moving on / one suffering because they have to live in a place full of memories. I haven’t told her that’s the plan yet but is it a reasonable one? And should I wait the 3 weeks of No no contact to tell her that’s the plan so that we both have had space to think about things more or should I arrange to meet her as soon as possible to get it finalised?
- also her friends she had before the break up have now become good and best friends of mine, she said that her friends are my friends too. But do I left them go out of respect for her and to avoid situations where I’m invited to a party but she isn’t there etc - I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to take what’s hers and make it mine....I just really get along with them super well
sorry for the novel but I don’t know what to think of it all and I really need some support as I don’t have a lot right now.
Those questions you asked, none of us could answer. I would suggest you do a couple of things. Definitely go no contact and don't worry if she's going to forget about you during that time. That is something you have no control over.
Don't jump into any situations with someone else right now thinking she's not coming back. On the flip side, don't wait for her to come back. Work on being happy alone and taking a break to be with yourself. Do things for you at this point.
You are not a mind reader nor can you see the future. You have to take what she says and what she does as exactly the way it came across no matter how confusing.
Good Luck!
She's said she's made you wait for her in the past, and doesn't want this to happen again to you. I translate this as her saying: don't wait for me.
She's stressed about her job and the potential loss of it. My interpretation:
not a huge factor in the breakup (a contributing one for sure), but there will always be job stressors for each of you, you just can't shut down a relationship due to a job..
Figuring yourself out: can be a cop out or can be a valid thing. I gained so much more perspective and self-discovery when I emotionally detached from my ex (we had to live together a year while the divorce was ongoing). This would have been easier if he had moved out.
- Is it common for people to be unsure of situations like these as she seemed hesitant at points? Absolutely common. Sounds like she really knows what she wants but is uncertain how to best carry the breakup out, being careful not to hurt you too much.
- how beneficial is no contact in a situation Like this? Go NO CONTACT. Just do it, heal yourself. Try to stop focusing on her and your relationship, I think it's best if you assume it's over. Not that I'm advising you go out immediately and start dating, but you can't and shouldn't keep yourself in a holding pattern. Find things to do which involve activities and friends which are independent from her. Keep busy, de-stress in healthy ways from your own tough job.
- I would really like to stay friends with her but don’t know how to do that without seeming desperate - so what is best way to do this? Go NO CONTACT.. Otherwise, you'll always be looking for clues from her - is she hinting that we can get together? is she flirting at someone else? is she dating? It's not that you have to worry about "seeming" desperate, you have to worry about "feeling" desperate, which I think you do. Not a good way to live.
- I am concerned that she is going to forget about me / give me the cold shoulder........ You can't worry now about how she's feeling. Worry about you.
how do I stop caring and worrying about this happening and is there a chance she is hurting as badly as I am? NO CONTACT will help you distance yourself from her and the pain of the breakup. It'll help you focus on YOU, and whatever issues you alluded to which you feel you have to work on. You may never know everything in her heart, and this you just have to accept. Either she still doesn't know, or doesn't want to share, for whatever reason. That's her choice.
- with our apartment..... I like your idea to end the lease, for all of the reasons you listed. She gave the decision over to you, so I would get in contact with the landlord yourself and handle things yourself. In this case, you do have to communicate - so just keep it simple and tell her the date by which she has to have her stuff moved out. Take your stuff on different dates. Take your stuff and the things you really care about, and leave behind the things you're not sure how to split with a note. Let her figure that stuff out.
- also her friends she had before the break up have now become good and best friends of mine, This is one of the messiest parts of splitting. Some people take sides and stay with one person. Some just step away from the breaking up couple. I've decided that our shared friends were basically just "fringe friends". If people weren't supportive to me, or worse yet didn't even acknowledge my year long divorce after 30+ years of marriage, I say good riddance to them. I remember who checked in with me on a regular basis - those are my friends. I'm pretty low in the friend department, so I'm starting to branch out with meetup groups to find new people to do things with.
You're young, this might have been your first serious long term relationship and breakup. It's hard. The tools for handling emotions are not in a kit that you can just go buy at the store. I'm certain you can grow from this and have a happy future. Rely on your family and supportive friends. Best of luck to you.
Besides any issues related to separating the apartment and your shared possessions, I would go no-contact and stay that way. Use this time to find YOURSELF, too. Set some financial goals, exercise to relieve stress, start looking for a new place of your own, think about your career and whether you'd like to advance or work more hours and get some overtime. Read some things about getting over a breakup, especially if this is your first big one. With some time apart, and spending time with new people and after some time, casual dating, you'll see things more clearly.
Don't worry about losing her or your mutual friends by going no-contact. People are so busy, they'll probably hardly notice you have distanced yourself, and with the internet, it's almost impossible to "lose" anybody. Don't contact your ex, and you don't need to announce to her that you're going to do it for longer than 3 weeks, just do it and stick to it. Stay away from the mutual friends until you've had some time to heal and met some other friends. The reminders are too painful and I will tell you from experience, people cannot help themselves but to mention the ex to you, and where they saw the ex, and what the ex was doing. It's hurtful and they should know better, but they don't. Take care of you.
I hope hearing another girl's perspective helps. Maybe she is just so overwhelmed she can't think of any option but to break things off and take time to heal and recoup.