Breakups & Divorce Support Group
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Ok so last summer I met my current partner and we started dating.
He knew I had two children aged 10 and 11 - I am 35 and he is 36.
He doesn't have any children and he said it was something he wanted for the future.
In a perfect world then perhaps I would not have more children but if the relationship is right I do feel more settled in life and I would do that.
So the relationship has been really good for the last year - we have been on two holidays together - just the two of us. He has joined in with activities with me and the children - as we do not live together and he works long hours I guess he has not had that much involvement with the kids.
It was important for me to take the kids on holiday this year - in the past I have gone alone however now I am in a relationship I asked him if he would like to join us. He said yes cool I thought - He said he wanted to come and that was cool.
He turned up on holiday in a negative mood and half way through the week we had a bit of an argument where he said he could not do the kid thing. He was acting like he was some kind of martyr - he was like why am I taking your kids abroad when there dad doesn't. There dad does take them on holiday however this is something I wanted to do.
This has really taken me aback - like he was resentful of being on holiday with my kids - do any other men with girlfriends with kids feel this way or has anyone else experienced this.
He says he loves me and does not want to split up but how can we carry on is he does not like my kids.
They are good kids I know I am biased they have the odd bicker but on the whole they sit still at meals are not too noisey - I feel gutted as we do get on really well -
I know its a bit long but any comments will be appreciated!!
He knew I had two children aged 10 and 11 - I am 35 and he is 36.
He doesn't have any children and he said it was something he wanted for the future.
In a perfect world then perhaps I would not have more children but if the relationship is right I do feel more settled in life and I would do that.
So the relationship has been really good for the last year - we have been on two holidays together - just the two of us. He has joined in with activities with me and the children - as we do not live together and he works long hours I guess he has not had that much involvement with the kids.
It was important for me to take the kids on holiday this year - in the past I have gone alone however now I am in a relationship I asked him if he would like to join us. He said yes cool I thought - He said he wanted to come and that was cool.
He turned up on holiday in a negative mood and half way through the week we had a bit of an argument where he said he could not do the kid thing. He was acting like he was some kind of martyr - he was like why am I taking your kids abroad when there dad doesn't. There dad does take them on holiday however this is something I wanted to do.
This has really taken me aback - like he was resentful of being on holiday with my kids - do any other men with girlfriends with kids feel this way or has anyone else experienced this.
He says he loves me and does not want to split up but how can we carry on is he does not like my kids.
They are good kids I know I am biased they have the odd bicker but on the whole they sit still at meals are not too noisey - I feel gutted as we do get on really well -
I know its a bit long but any comments will be appreciated!!
I have had relationships with single mothers and I accepted them with their children. They are in fact a part of who she is...a very important part. My oldest son is not my biological but he will always be my son and he has my name...
Your children will always be a part of your life. If you can't get to a good place with this fellow, then it may be time to move on. I can't see a future if he doesn't get along with your kids and respect the part of you that is a mother...just mho...
This is also the reason why I DON'T date!!!
Its not fair on them - I don't want to be resentful of them because of another persons issues.
If someone is resentful of your kids and time you spend with them, they aren't worth it...
I don't like at all that he showed up with a negative mood. That's pretty childish and is not an adult way to handle any problems or issues. RED FLAG NUMBER ONE.
He basically says why is he taking the kids on holiday when they have a Dad. Both of you are in a relationship and the kids are part of that relationship. It sounds very much like he doesn't want to be involved with kids. RED FLAG NUMBER TWO.
He says he loves you and doesn't want to split up. So what does he expect you to do with your kids--are you supposed to not have your kids when he is around? RED FLAG NUMBER THREE
I hope you are seeing the red flags that are popping up and telling you WARNING, WARNING. This relationship should not go any further.
If it were me, I would explain that I need a break. That all the above factors concerned me deeply, and he showed less than stellar judgment and behavior around my children. My children and I are a package deal and my children are my first priority.
I have never heard of any of my guy friends say the things he said about their partners children!! he is starting to come across very selfish - its just a shame as I can see the potential - but I cannot change my situation!!
His ONE TIME on holiday with them, he acted like a TOOL.
Yep, your kids do have a father.....and???
Dating with kids does make it more difficult, for sure, but dealing with jackasses is not a requirement.
As far as what to do, I agree with the others on this site. Have a very serious conversation with this guy, and you may have to end the relationship because you and your kids are a package deal.
Just a couple of comments about "why" here. Est3lle, these are not directed at you or your children. (I don't know your situation, and quite frankly, do not excuse his behavior.) He should have at least been gracious. Being on holiday is not the time to pout and have a pity party. Shame on him. That said here are some thoughts on why a person might be out of sorts after traveling with kids...
Travel with Children takes much longer to do anything, and cost more than you ever expect. If you are used to getting up at 7, eating by 7:45 and on the train by 8:30, you'll be amazed at how the time needed will double with kids along. People can get grumpy when their day or their budget gets cut in half.
If this is the first time on holiday with any children, he may have bitten off more than he expected. I remember it was *after* my son was born that I realized that I would probably not be getting vacation sex for probably 18 years. (as was the case up until we divorced 9 years later)
I met a woman not too long ago and she seemed very reasonable, well put together, responsible, etc. Several weeks later, I met her with her two kids along, and I was appalled at what I saw. Kids were undisciplined, mouthy, rude, and she was letting them walk all over her. Truly, these kids ran the show at home. I was never interested in this woman, however after seeing her with her kids, I would run the other way. There would be just too much difference in our parenting style. This comes from being a parent myself, so I know what to expect from the job.
I think you should at least have a serious conversation with him. I think you already realize that this is a deal breaker for a relationship, regardless of the reasons. Perhaps it can be worked out, but please do not compromise on your kids.
I've seen few rise above this, and put an extreme amount of thought into entering into one and hours of conversation with my partner, before I did.
I am so very sorry this guy seems like such a jerk.
You said he doesn't have kids, but wanted some for the future----
Then you said you and him went on 2 holidays---just the 2 of you----
That was the first red flag. I paused and wondered if he wanted a family, why didn't he insist the kids go on at least 1 of those holidays???
Then comes the other bigger (huge) red flag. He has shown his true colors. He expects you to put him ahead of your kids. It appears he doesn't even like kids.
I know if it were me, I would have to say goodby to this person who lied about wanting kids. He was just trying to "catch" you.
(((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))
Totally gutted but guess it was not meant to be!!! Thanks for you support guys - you have made me feel more positive about the situation!!!