, wow, i had not come on here in a long time, then because i am feeling very depressed i decided to come on here and get some support, and I thought about everything you said, and i thought at the same time yeah i was doing good, but i let myself go right back into the shit. I went back with my X boyfriend, and i'm totaly miserable now, like my whole life stops and spend my days and weeks waiting for him to call or come over or do something or anything with me but I wait in vain. He comes, when he is done with everything he wants to do, or when nobody is around for him to do things with or for. But i'm last as usual, and lately when he does come its so late we just go to sleep and get up and he leaves, and i'm not having sex, well i wasnt for weeks, then one night i let him, and the next day he was gone. I let him that one night and i felt aweful afterwards, I knew it was a mistake, because then i'm last on his list since he conquered me and got what he wanted. So since that night i have not been with him again, he comes, he goes, but I do not feel love anymore, i dont even want sex because i really feel he treats me good until i have it with him. Then now i dont and he is beginning to treat me like shit anyhow, probably twice as bad because he doesnt get what he wants. His mom just died, and you would think he is the only one to lose a parent. My mother left me at 11 years old, and my dad who was the only one i was close to died leaving my son and I alone since, in 1999. My son and I have no family, i have lost all my friends because of this guy, and i feel like i do not have a life at all nothing to fall back on, and then since his mom died after being sick for months, and in the hospital since this last friday night he has become so difficult, i think its because i do not feel sorry for him anymore, i see how selfish and egotistical he is and i think he deserves a lot more than losing his mom, and i'm sorry to see her go because most of the time she is the only one in his whole family who always showed she cared for me, she always smiled when she saw me, and now i have to watch myself with the rest because the whole family is wacko. I used to say my disfunctional family was bad, but now i see this family of his and all their trips and they all have more problems than there are members of my extended family. I dont see my famly much, but once in a while i do and there are still a few who i love, but the rest i can do without. I feel so sad though, i feel like my soul is dying, and I feel i need to stop being with this guy who kills my spirit Once i start doing good without him he comes back to screw me up again, but i do know i'm the one letting this happen. I actually get suicidal going through the crap with him, but my son needs me, i'm all he's got, so i kind of feel stuck in this spot, hating myself, my life, and not mentally being available for my son. I am cranky and snappy lately because i'm trying to figure out how to fix my life, my self, and i wish i could find my happiness. I think this guy is attracted to me when he cant have me, and when he has me he cant stand me, so i do not feel loved, i feel unlovable, and then the things he says to me, for instance recently he told me there is something wrong with me thats why my sons father wants to kill me and why he was abusive, and he says i'm the one tripping when all i do is ask why and he goes off. Then a week ago, he would not listen to me, we were working on his nephews truck, and we had put a brake master cylendar in a couple months before, but the nephew had to leave it parked because after that the brake lights would not go off, back then i kept telling my boyfriend the switch must be in backwards, but he insisted it only goes one way and if i tried to go in and turn it around he would yell at me, and say just let me do it, thats not whats wrong. So the nephew ended up in there (on the floorboard up under the steering wheel) and he was doing something i whispered to him hey, i know the switch is backwards, but your uncle yells at me and wont let me do it, so the nephew said go ahead and he stood between his uncle (my boy enemy) and talked to him while i did the switch, and sure enough i fixed it, then you could see his face red with anger and he tried to be humble and said good job. But a bit later his nephew told me hey we got that fixed but one more small problem, i said what? he said the trialers cable for the lights is way too short so i'm going to have to lengthen them. so because i knew his uncle had installed the wires, i said kind of sarcastically "Gee, i wonder how that happened?" and my boy enemy commenced to kick me in the back of the leg and he had his work boots on, and i said "Hey, what is your problem!" he said you, you act like i did that wrong and thats the way it was. (the problem is that he knows he cut those wires too short and he is mad because he screwed up the brake switch and the trialer wires and i fixed his brake switch thing and he was mad, because i rubbed it in, i did that because he smears every little mistake i make in and about does a damn touchdown dance if i am wrong or cant do something, so i was giving him his own medicine, but, he can dish it out and not take it obviously. So since this kicking thing, i am really wanting to end this, i have not had sex, but that one time and that was almost 4 weeks ago. I dont want to be with him and live like this, but have trouble making that move, like i still have an ounce of hope that things might work. it is quite obvious they are not going to work, never have and never will because he blames me for everything, i'm tired of him starting crap for every thing i say or do. I think he will just find any excuse to trip on me, i feel like i'm walking on egg shells, and you know what he gets mad about the most, if i request time with him, if i want him to make time to spend with me, he goes off. So i need to wake the hell up and stop letting myself do this evil hurtful thing with him. I'm doing my school, i could be working, i will start again soon, but i had my toenail remmoved and i cant walk yet, maybe after this week i can wear a shoe again and start working and do my school and somehow get rid of him. But i hesitate right now only because his mom died. but not because of him, ,its because of his family, i dont want to be the bad guy i guess, i can hear them she broke up with him right when his mom died, what a bitch. but really i think he would deserve it, and i dont think he deserves me at all and i think i deserve way better. So maybe, you can update me on your life, and get my mind off all of this, i keep trying counselors to get help , but i'm not getting the kind of help i need i guess because i'm not any better. I am so depressed and when i talk to or see him full of anxiety, i cant say anything about how i feel or he wants to fight. argue, and hurt my feelings in any way possible. i'm not at a strong enough point to deal with all this, i feel i was very stupid to go back with him after everything else anyway. I hate myself, why did i do this to me again???
tell me how you have been, sorry this was so long, but i need to let it out, so i guess thats why i came on here tonight. Hugz!!
Rhonda