Breakups & Divorce Support Group
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Initailly I had posted this under single parenting, oops. I think it would be more appropriately posted here.
My ex husband and father of my two children remarried last Nov. Although we could not work things out in our marriage, I do feel that we co-parent well. Here is the thing... they have been married almost 10 months now and I don't know what sort of boundaries I should take with her. Here is why: when they first married my ex and I decided we were going to keep things as comfy as possible, for the kids. There had been no bad mouthing done yet and there would be none to start. (Even though I had heard several horror stories about this woman and all her instabilites, some personal and some regarding parenting, I chose to wait and see for myself) She is also divorced with two kids, of which she does not have custody. It worried me why she did not see her kids more then every other weekend.
To make a long story short, since the marriage began she has demonstrated to me her inability to control her impulses on several occassions and I have come to find out all of what I 'heard through the grape vine', was in fact true.
Our most recent encounter, and our last one, took place at my childrens school. She had attempted to pick up my children from their school. When it came up that she was not on the emergency card the school would not release my children and they called me (because I have custody and I enrolled them in this program). I would not let my kids leave with her, so I went to pick up my kids. (To justify that, she had already been in 3 accidents in the last year, one of which my daughter was in - and I had to hear about it from my daughter. Also, she ran over her daughter 2x (hence the reason she does not have custody.) She was livid I would not let her take them. She waited for me in the parking lot and when I arrived 20 min later she approached me ( in front of all the other parents )accusing me of being jealous of her new marriage to my ex - which I truly am not.
In any case, she furthered my decision on not letting the kids go with her (without their dad present) in fact, I no longer wanted them alone with at this point. She is clearly unstable and emotional volitle. I had to walk away from her in the parking lot as she continued to shout at me that she was no longer going to help and that from now on he and i could handle all the kid stuff. i told her that was how it was supposed to be. she called me at home later in the evening, incessantly, until i anwsered. she told me she was sorry for blowing up at me, blah blah blah - but then she blows up at me again. I told her she was out of line and that I am not interested in talking to her at this point, she hung up on me. Minutes later she calls me again adn says we need to be adults. Just prior to her hanging up again she says we need to keep our distance. We hadn't spoken since then. Until last night..
She called me last night (while I was getting my kids ready for bed and ready for the first day of school). She said we needed to clear the air and that it was time we act like adults and treat eachother with respect, that I am not a threat to her and that she was not going to hunt me down and I did not have to worry. (Not sure exactly what she meant by this). In any case she wants us to be 'friends again'. Initially we had gone out for coffee 2x and saw a movie at one point over a 4 month period. No big deal, I was just trying to ge to know my kids step mom. My conclusion is that although she is their step mom, she is not someone I would choose as a friend for myself. But now she wants to be friendly and I am not interested in being friends. I have no problem being cordial when called for but that is about it...
I told her I forgave her for her behavior and that was in the past. But, she wants me to call her and see how she is doing and small talk every now and then. Altough I chose to forgive her, I don't feel it is my responsibility to validate her by pretending to be friends. The truth is she is my ex husbands new wife, not my friend....
My ex husband and father of my two children remarried last Nov. Although we could not work things out in our marriage, I do feel that we co-parent well. Here is the thing... they have been married almost 10 months now and I don't know what sort of boundaries I should take with her. Here is why: when they first married my ex and I decided we were going to keep things as comfy as possible, for the kids. There had been no bad mouthing done yet and there would be none to start. (Even though I had heard several horror stories about this woman and all her instabilites, some personal and some regarding parenting, I chose to wait and see for myself) She is also divorced with two kids, of which she does not have custody. It worried me why she did not see her kids more then every other weekend.
To make a long story short, since the marriage began she has demonstrated to me her inability to control her impulses on several occassions and I have come to find out all of what I 'heard through the grape vine', was in fact true.
Our most recent encounter, and our last one, took place at my childrens school. She had attempted to pick up my children from their school. When it came up that she was not on the emergency card the school would not release my children and they called me (because I have custody and I enrolled them in this program). I would not let my kids leave with her, so I went to pick up my kids. (To justify that, she had already been in 3 accidents in the last year, one of which my daughter was in - and I had to hear about it from my daughter. Also, she ran over her daughter 2x (hence the reason she does not have custody.) She was livid I would not let her take them. She waited for me in the parking lot and when I arrived 20 min later she approached me ( in front of all the other parents )accusing me of being jealous of her new marriage to my ex - which I truly am not.
In any case, she furthered my decision on not letting the kids go with her (without their dad present) in fact, I no longer wanted them alone with at this point. She is clearly unstable and emotional volitle. I had to walk away from her in the parking lot as she continued to shout at me that she was no longer going to help and that from now on he and i could handle all the kid stuff. i told her that was how it was supposed to be. she called me at home later in the evening, incessantly, until i anwsered. she told me she was sorry for blowing up at me, blah blah blah - but then she blows up at me again. I told her she was out of line and that I am not interested in talking to her at this point, she hung up on me. Minutes later she calls me again adn says we need to be adults. Just prior to her hanging up again she says we need to keep our distance. We hadn't spoken since then. Until last night..
She called me last night (while I was getting my kids ready for bed and ready for the first day of school). She said we needed to clear the air and that it was time we act like adults and treat eachother with respect, that I am not a threat to her and that she was not going to hunt me down and I did not have to worry. (Not sure exactly what she meant by this). In any case she wants us to be 'friends again'. Initially we had gone out for coffee 2x and saw a movie at one point over a 4 month period. No big deal, I was just trying to ge to know my kids step mom. My conclusion is that although she is their step mom, she is not someone I would choose as a friend for myself. But now she wants to be friendly and I am not interested in being friends. I have no problem being cordial when called for but that is about it...
I told her I forgave her for her behavior and that was in the past. But, she wants me to call her and see how she is doing and small talk every now and then. Altough I chose to forgive her, I don't feel it is my responsibility to validate her by pretending to be friends. The truth is she is my ex husbands new wife, not my friend....
I agree with you. You don't need to be best buddies with her, just cordial. But, boy, do I feel sorry for your ex-husband! Sounds like she has some real issues. I'm not sure you can totally prevent your kids from being in a car with her since they live with her part of the time but I can see your point.
Have you discussed this with your ex? Does he know what is going on? I think he has some responsibility for making sure that things like the 'scene' in the parking lot don't happen again. I hate to say it but other parents witnessing something like that is not a good thing for your children. People might pull away and not let their kids hang with yours if they think there are domestic disturbances going on. Good luck. The 'step-parent' issue is never easy.
You've been adult throughout all of her rantings and ravings, BIG KUDOS TO YOU! She made herself look like an ass!
I say, keep your distance. It seems she can't get on the good side of your ex, so she's coming in at another angle. She's feeling rejected, and at a lose of control; too bad!
You can continue to talk with her very nonchalantly, but to be her bud is not an option; case closed! Oh, and tell the ex to install HUGE side mirrors on her damn vehicle, and a beep-beep for the rear end of her car. Sheesh, that would have me worried. I'd probable turn her asshole inside out for that one. Oh, look at me, being human again! Too bad, when it comes to my kids, I'm the top mama bear! Don't mess with my kids!
Good luck to you!
Peace!