Hi Everyone,

This is my first time on this board. I am writing my story in the hope that I can get some support for the emotional trauma that my kids and I suffered at the hands of my husband. 

My husband was a consultant, travelling to and from NY, Asia and Europe on a weekly basis for five years. It was exhausting for everyone, and we were both growing resentful of his travel, but I could tell that he loved the money he was making and he insisted on continuing. I tried to get him to quit and come home, told him the money wasn't important, that we should be together as a family, but after about 2 years in I could see him changing. Raging mid-life crisis, obsession with his body, bought a porsche, man bun, lots of flirting, greedy. You get the picture. 

A year and a half ago, I found some inappropriate texts between himself and a woman that I had known for 16 years. She had always been a "friend" that he could rely on or escape to when he needed a break. I was under the impression that they had stopped communicating, but that apparently never happened. He severed the relationship, but I still had a horrible feeling in my gut the whole year.

Flash forward to early summer of 2019. My husband announces that he is seeking divorce advice. After meeting with lawyers, he tells me he doesn't want a divorce but wants to move back to our hometown find a job (which he mentioned would be lower paying) and work on our relationship as well as be more present for our two kids who are 10 and 14. I was so happy to hear that. I wanted him home and for us to be a family, but something inside of me told me to keep an appointment with an attorney. I met with her, told her what happned and she said it could be one of 2 things. He could be sincere and coming home or it could be the latter and he would come home, get in the house, show that he could be a dad and file for divorce - meaning less spousal support, less child support.

I chose to hope for sincerity, but still had that feeling in my gut. Then, on October 3rd he came home for good. He had left his job in NY and was now in our hometown working a much much lower paying job.

On October 19th, we went to a bar, watched a soccer game, had a couple of beers and came home. We had an argument, nothing major, but I accidently scratched him (about an inch long on his shoulder blade) when we were messing around. I saw that I scratched him, said I was so sorry. He said that I was so "f*&%$d" and went to the bathroom to take pictures. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was sick of my "abuse". He then went into the room with the toilet and started saying "don't hit me, I'm scared of you." I asked him if he was OK and what he was doing. I then asked him if he was recording the conversation. It was all surreal, and I thought I should just leave him alone. I went downstairs to be with my daughter (thankfully my son was at a sleepover).

10 minutes later there is a knock on the door. My daughter thought it was her friends, it was about 9:45 p.m. We opened the door, and there were two policemen. I was surprised, asked what was going on. They said that they had recieved a call about domestic violence. I looked upstairs and my husband was standing there with a cold look on his face. He slowly walked down the stairs in his underwear, in front of my daughter. The police separated us and started questioning us. I tell them that the small scratch was an accident, that I didn't understand what was happening, I was crying. My daughter is there watching this happen. Then I look at my husband who is talking to the police and I realize that I was set up. I tell the police officer that my husband is manipulating them. They didn't listen and arrested me and took me to the county jail where I spent the night. For an accidental scratch. (I later find out that the police have to arrest someone if there is ANY sign of physical contact). I also find out from the officer that my husband had told him that this abuse had happened all the time (it had not).

It was a Saturday night. My cousin bailed me out the next day and I went to her house. I got a criminal lawyer for my arraignment the next day. He thought the case was stupid, said that nothing good comes from calling the police and tells me it should be dismissed. (I was a first time offender, never arrested or in jail). We get to the courthouse, it is still on the docket. We go in to get my court date and the DA tells us that my husband had called him and told him to press charges. 

I go home and discover that my husband has removed my housekey from my key ring. My son's sitter lets us in. I have a cup of tea, try to call my husband who doesn't answer. I then get a call from my criminal attorney who says that my husband's lawyer called him. That I was about to be served papers for divorce and a restraining order under the Family Abuse Protection Act. I didn't know my husband had a lawyer. He then told me to pack my things, say goodbye to my children and don't open the door until I was ready to leave.

I hug my kids and tell them that I don't know when I will see them again. They are crying. My son leaves the home with our sitter, my daughter helps me pack, she is crying. I open the door, the process server is visibily upset to be a part of this situation. My daughter helps me pack my things and put them into my car. The server helps me too. We are crying and I say goodbye, that I love her. That I don't know when I will see her again.

I find out from my lawyer that evening that I now have only 3 hours of visitation a week on Wednesday afternoon and time with the kids every other weekend. (After raising them for 5 years while my husband travelled around the world). I have to stay 150 feet away from my home, my husband, I can not go to the kids schools or sporting events. I can not call or text my husband. After 22 years together and 16 years of marriage, speaking every day, I was unable to even contact my husband to find out what the hell was going on. I also find out from my lawyer, that he got a call from my husband's attorney who said that if I agreed to a 50/50 split of assets, no spousal support and joint custody, they would make the restraining order and criminal charge (of harassment) go away.

I said no and chose to fight.

In two weeks of being home, my husband made me homeless, took our kids and had an upper hand in a custody battle by accusing me of domestic abuse. I was homeless for 3 months. In that time, he closed accounts, moved and hid money, and took every single piece of financial and legal documentation out of our home. 

I did some research. It turns out that the judge who issued the restraining order is best friends with his lawyer, a woman who helped mastermind this set up. I also found out that the law firm my husband retained is well known in the legal community for these kind of set ups. In addition to the false accusation of abuse, they went into my medicine cabinet, photographed every prescription I had in there (including one very old, very full bottle prescription for oxycotin that I was prescribed after a terrible ski accident). They accused me of being an opiod addict, which didn't amount to anything, but just another way to scare me and make me suffer.

I also found out that my husband called his client, a woman, in NY 15 minutes after I was arrested (she is a senior executive, married with 2 kids). It was 2:00 a.m. her time, they spoke for 10 minutes and also 45 minutes earlier that evening. I then find out that they had talked for at least an hour evrey day (including weekends) since he had been home.

Its been four months since then. The court ordered me back in the house (he rented himself a penthouse apartment - with what money I have no idea). We have joint custody, I am going to fight for full, and he has cut me off finacially. He is travelling all over, eating out every night, going on dates and in one week spent $40,000 furnishing his apartment on top of taking everything valuable out of the house before I moved back in. He goes back and forth to NY, I'm guessing to see his "client." He claims to be making no money, but is spending amounts that I have never seen him spend in my life

Since then, I have spoken to him once in four months. I have no idea what is really going on or what happened. The children have suffered incredibly as a result.

I am full of sadness, fury, confusion. I feel betrayed beyond belief. I don't understand what happened, he obviously had another life, but I was still so blindsided and he played me by pretending that he loved me and was coming home to be with me and the kids. He betrayed me and the kids and his actions have damaged my children beyond belief.

Has anyone else been set up in the manner? Please let me know if and how you survived. In 24 hours I had to go from loving my husband to hating him in order to survive and I am struggling with that immensely right now, even four months after the fact. How do you get past a betrayal of this magnitude and not let it define your life and how do I help my kids heal from this?

Thank you.