I know where you are coming from. I am still not on very good terms with my son's mother. I have tried but it makes me feel "fake" like I am not being real to myself...I am civil, and don't hate on her...but I am not trying to be her best friend...

I think you make an excellent point about subconsciously thinking if you started to be nice it would send a signal...

but I think part of that subconscious is also betrayal that you are not over yet...

I will drop this quick tid bit of info:

After the break up happens, here are the four most common emotions experienced in the order they usually occur:

Denial/Shock: The first and most common emotion one experiences after the end of a relationship is shock and disbelief. How could this be happening? And, more importantly, why? During this first stage following a break up, many people are mired in denial, refusing to accept the reality of the situation, or simply unable wrap their minds around what has just happened.

Anger: How dare they treat you this way after all you've been through together? Who do they think they are anyway? If you had any sense at all you would have kicked them out before they had the chance to leave in the first place. (Anger isn't only directed at the other person, but also towards one's self.) Being angry is perfectly natural, even healthy, provided you don't allow it to take over your life or dictate who you are. Be mad, feel relief at expressing that anger, then move on.

Depression: After the anger subsides, it's common for a state of depression to set in. How quickly you move through this stage is up to you, and of course, up to whether or not you have issues such as depression and anxiety to begin with. Allow yourself to mourn the end of the relationship, but, if find that you're unable to function or do your job or act as you normally would when it comes to home and family life, it's time to speak to your doctor about counseling, medication, or both.

Acceptance/Understanding: And finally, the very last stage, acceptance and understanding. After you've had the chance to experience a plethora of emotions, the end result is the realization that obviously, the relationship was not meant to be. With this revelation comes a sense of peace, not necessarily the happy type of peace, but rather the kind where you are able to simply accept the situation for what it is.

I think you are hovering around shock and anger...but it is good that you recognize it...aceept it...breathe it in...then breathe it OUT...

...thats the only way you will truly gain acceptance and move forward...

Good luck *bro hugs*

...my shiny nickel's worth

You know....I don't think that thought process ever dawned on me.

I have issues with civility with the father of my children so i keep everything short and sweet. If I don't speak, I can't put my foot in it.

The Peace Fairy I like you thought of putting one's foot in one's mouth...that made me giggle and I know what you mean about keep it short.......I don't even look her in the eyes....I turn away to speak to her. And to Peaselover .....There are days like yesterday where I'm in shock and denial that this is even happening and never to be left out, following not to far behind is a good health dose of depression. And I have accepted the fact that our marriage is over and that she is now with another man.....what I will struggle with for years to come will be UNDERSTAND......I simply can't get my head around that.....it would mean that I need to have empathy and understanding to an adulteress....my mind just can compute that :(

Understanding is hard..Acceptance even harder...I think in time it just takes a search of our psyche, and soul to accept the things we don't understand...and will never understand...

I think part of the struggle is accepting ourselves...

That things in life are not meant to be fair because we want them to be fair...or that we are entitled to fairness...

a wise person once told me...

Fair is an event that comes to town once a year.

I just had the first civil conversation with my ex yesterday. He has been wanting to be friends... just like nothing ever happened. I told him that I am not in the same stage of grieving that he is, and that while he will always be the father of my children, he will not be my friend. At least not until I'm ready and that may be never. I told him that things between us have changed and will never be the same again.
When he tried to get off task, I returned the conversation to the children. You need to be true to your feelings. Do not be nice if you don't feel like it, but do be respectful.
As for the children, I don't know how old they are, but they may know far more than you think.
I know this is all about what you should do, and you have to do what is right for you, but if I could offer one more of the tools my counselor gave me... I was having a hard time getting through the wall of grief. She suggested that when I was feeling sad/angry, I tried to localize where the feeling was in my body. Then, I had to try to intensify the feeling. The last step was releasing the feeling. It felt like a weight being lifted! I have done that several times since, and each time I find I have just a little more control...
Also, feel free to vent. I'll be listening for you!

My almost ex and I aren't civil, not by my choice. I don't understand what his issue is, he is the one who wanted out, he cheated, yet every time he opens his mouth to speak around me, it's all hurtful comments or trying to place all the blame for our marriage failing on me. Eventually you will get to acceptance and maybe then you will be able to treat her more civilly. Maybe you just have to put it together in your head that you don't have to respect her in order to be civil to her.

I've been grieving for only a month and completely understand what your saying. My wife left me and my two little boys for a co-worker. She called tonight to say goodnight to the boys and told me she was bowling with the gang. I wanted to say F*ck you I'm home on a Friday night putting our kids to bed and your talking to me like we are old friends. It was like my wife died the night blindsided me....suddenly turning into this person I didn't know.

I'm still in the hatred mode. 40 yrs of marriage, comes home one Sunday and just throws it away like garbage. We have to work together which is extremely hard since I can't be near him more than
a minute so making decisions about the company becomes extremely difficult. he's acting like nothing has changed but everything has changed. I don't recognize this person that I've become. I used to be so happy. What happens to people that makes them hurt other people so much.

The one Irony to this terrible story is that the one person that has hurt me more than anyone ever could and the one person I never want to see or speak to again I HAVE TO....and to the point of ALOTLOST it like she's become a different woman....It's like she is a complete stranger and to Loutrie1950.....exactly they threw the Marriage away like it was Garbage...

Question: She I write her an email stating I will be civil and respectful but in no way does this signal to you that I have forgiven you for what you did to me and this family.......I would really be interested in hearing some responses. Thanks Group !!!!!!

Question: She I write her an email stating I will be civil and respectful but in no way does this signal to you that I have forgiven you for what you did to me and this family.......I would really be interested in hearing some responses. Thanks Group !!!!!!

im coming in at the end of this- i havent read all the responses. so take what you want to from what i say and disregard the rest, because i am responding to the question you asked above.

when you forgive someone, you arent doing it for them, you are doing it for you. without intending to be harsh, i dont think she cares if you forgive her or not. honestly, if she is anything like my ex, she isnt even thinking about what it is doing to you. i know that sucks and you want her to be accountable for what she did. you know better than me obviously, so has she given you any indication in the past year or so that she is remorseful? if you feel like being civil to her, instead of sending her an email, why dont you just show her thru actions? i think perhaps that would have more of a lasting effect; at least to my ex it would, and thats all i know to base my responses on. i hope this helps? i am sorry you are hurting but i think its good to reach out. go easy on yourself.

....and the really painfully thing......everytime you call the house...and she answers the phone your stomach turns, everytime you be sitting in front of you computer and then see an email from her....I just want to heal and get over her...Jesus Christ! They so F ing happy in their new lives....I don't want my nose rubbed in it....God Damn it!

I still have a hard time with this and its over 3 yrs. My point I dont like her and cant stand her.

I do not have any contact with my ex, the one benefit of having older children. I do not know how you manage to keep it together with the ex, something I do not think I could do. Hats off for being civil as the kids are the ones that will benefit from that. My ex does not deserve my friendship after putting me through a living hell and to do so in my opinin would say, yeah it's okay what you did to me. As much as it hurts being civil it will show her that you are moving on.Do not give her the satisfaction of any emotions and let her think you are doing just fine. Friendship is for someone who treats you well not for someone who has hurt you in the most painful way. You will be the bigger person for doing what you're doing and I believe the exes will eventually get their karma.

TLM - My therapist talked to me a bit about being civil since that was one of the things my STBX said on the way out the door - that the best he could hope for was for us to be civil. The therapist said that we all can have a different definition of what being civil is. My stbx definition seems to be that we be "friends", that I call him when something is needed at the house - as if I'd call the man who walked out on me and our children to come fix the toilet. She said just keep the conversations direct and to the point and only about the children. I got the teenager her own cellphone and added texting. that way if he wants to call the kids or vice versa that is how he calls. Everyone's situations are so unique but that is what I have done to have gotten thru these last two months.

It's odd I just saw this discussion. My ex hasn't spoken a kind word to me in almost 2 yrs (and we've only been divorced 6 months) The only way he communicates with me is through e-mails, and he can't even be civil with them.

My male friend is noticing that my 15 yr old son is starting to act like my ex, and he has to bite his tongue to keep from giving him a lecture on how to treat women.

What was funny last night, my ex owns the duplex next to my house, came over after work to shovel, I didn't realize he was there, my male friend and I were trying to get my snowblower working. My ex and son tried to start it up a week ago, and just left it sitting in the middle of my garage, not really letting me know what the status was.

My male friend, wanting to be nice - I was in the house at the time - went over to say hello, and joked that my ex just ignored him like he wasn't there.

This person bent over backwards to help my ex when he was injured, helping remove snow from both our properties, fixing things so I didn't have to pay someone (ex was off work over 4 months), sitting and talking to ex, when no one else ever stopped over.

Granted, we are now dating, but that started long after our separation, and we were in divorce proceedings.

My male friend commented later that my ex must really still love me. I reminded him that once he started coming to the house more, with or without my son around, my son told me that my ex still talks about how much he loves me, and why can't we get back together?

The thing is now, my son, and when my daughters home from college, see that laughter has entered the house again, and I want to do things again, and fun for a Sat. night with sitting on the couch, next to my male friend, my son on the other couch, enjoying a beverage, and watching a movie - which we never end up watching because we are all talking about something.

I think in the past 10 yr, my ex and I did that 2 times.

It takes time to move on. Our marriage counselor, and pastors I've discussed with say women seem to move on quicker because they've probably spent years contemplating divorce, and start emotionally preparing themselves. I know I did.