Meeting with a therapist soon. Hoping they will be able to help me, it's kind of my last resort. I've never felt so low in my life. All over a breakup? I see all of my friends who have gone through breakups, and they were fine after a month or two. Even my ex is doing well, more successful than ever with a new girl in his life too. So how do I stop wanting him? Almost nine months later, how do I stop missing him every second of every day? I feel so dumb. To think that a teenage love could beat the odds. You change so much in your 20's, and I was naive and thought our love would stay the same. I feel more and more pain every day. Everyone keeps telling me to hang in there, and that it gets better. When? I try to push through. To find the beauty and love in every single day, but how do I do that? I loved him a lot. I lost my best friend. I try meeting new people and cultivating friendships, and growing them; but I have yet to find just a true friend. In a way, he saved me. I was going through a rough time, and then he came in. It was like heaven on earth, but he doesn't want me anymore. I have to accept that and respect it as well. So why is a HUGE part of me fantasizing over the wedding we planned, still dreaming of him. Everywhere feels so empty and blurred. It's gray and cold without him and no matter how hard I try to paint the colors in myself, it's like they don't show up. I feel like I'm being weighed down and I struggle and fight every day to get up. I tell myself that I'm in control of my happiness, that I'm young and have forever to find the one I will spend my life with. I'm trying with everything in me to let go. I remind myself why we broke up, I try not to idolize the relationship or him. I DESPERATELY more than ANYTHING want to move forward. But I just feel stuck. I love him. I can say that I don't love him, but it'd just be putting up a front. Putting on a show. I'm not gonna do that, I already tried. I love him. I want my heart to stop loving him. I want to stop missing him. I want to accept the end of the relationship and let go of any hope in my heart. How? I cannot keep living like this...I am barely making it each and every day. I feel dead inside. Like a walking shell of a person who used to exist.