My life has been turned upside down since he left the beginning of the month, but it is like he keeps going back and forth and I keep letting him. I guess I keep hoping he will just come back and stay. He has been staying at this brother's apartment and here some too. I hadn't seen him all weekend. I made it a point to not text or call and try to focus on doing stuff with the kids and not worry about him. He would text and ask how the baby was, if the baby needed anything, ect. I kept it brief to simple statements that the baby was good and didn't need anything.

Yesterday he showed up at the house with diapers and wipes, and he looked like hell. He had just got off work and was wearing a hoodie and sweatpants with the really nice, more dressy than hoodie and sweatpants attire, bravely I had gotten him for Father's Day. This was the first time I ever saw him wear it. The baby was sleeping when he got here and he just sat here for a while. The baby woke up and he fed him, Then i had to leave to go to my mom's for Sunday dinner. shortly after we got home from dinner at my moms he came back. He gave the baby a bath and started messing with a new Bluetooth speaker he got. He kept playing old songs we use to listen to and kept glancing over at me while I was trying to ignore him. I could tell he was trying to see what my reaction was. I had a couple glasses of beer and kept my distance though I could tell he was reaching for a response.

After the kids went to bed, we straightened up around the house and he went to take a shower. He came out of the bathroom a few times to get stuff before actually getting in the shower, kinda eyeballing where I was. After he finally got in the shower, I stood at the door to the bathroom telling myself to be strong, don't go in there, but I couldn't stay away. I wanted his attention too. We showered together completely innocent for a while, before passion set in. He led me out of the shower to what was our bedroom and was very intimate. Then held me and kissed me. It was different. His eyes look to be full of pain and sad. He is slow and sensual and romantic about it. 

I know he has caused me a lot of pain, but I also know he has brought me a lot of love. I don't know what is going on in his mind. I think he feel like too much damage has been done to repair us. Or maybe there are outside factors that I don't know about. Neither of us would be hard up for sex without the other. We work together and I know of a few women at my job that would love to get a piece of him. And since we have separated offers have been rolling in for me too, but we keep coming back to each other. Now maybe that is my fairytale world creeping through again, but I don't feel like he is using me for sex. I mean we went months prior to this having sex only once every few weeks and he had me right there every day. Now it has become that every moment we get , we have sex. 

I know this is not healthy, or effective for coping. I just don't know how to completely cut him out, when I feel so strongly for him and he just goes back and forth all the time. Nothing in my mind makes sense. I hurt so much when he is not around, that I turn weak when he is.