Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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llmt 09/22/2010

I know this may not be the right forum to post this, but other going thru or may have had this experience may relate and can help me. I am at a complete loss and with all that is going on I give up. I just can't take the stress anymore. Basically, I need help with my kids. They are acting out and it's only progressively getting worse. I try to discipline them and I basically get no or little help from their dad (we are divorced and living in the house for now). I tried today to nip the 3 year old's behavior in the bud, and he didn't say one word, which started me yelling at him that he needs to do something to back me up. Basically the 2 kids ages 7 and 3 need counseling, I believe, but I am wondering if any other parenting styles may work for the younger. I have tried time-outs, yelling, taking things away, last resort a spanking, but nothing is working. The child is angry and probably picks up on what is going on at home. We have no other kids for him to play with and I work long hours so doing it after work/school is really not much of an option. He is in daycare and is around kids his age. I don't know. I am just at a freaking loss. I picture the future and it doesn't look good if I can't get it under control. I am embarassed and was not brought up the way the kids are portrayed. He was a kind child a year ago and now he's three, and all hell has broken out. The 7 year old craves attention and since his younger brother came about, he has gotten worse...constantly picking on him, goading him, which in turn gets the 3 year old fighting with him. This goes on all day.

If someone has any advice or can please help me. I am looking for agencies but I don't know where to turn anymore. Thank you.

deleted_user 09/22/2010

my mother was great with her grandkids. i suspect that she would say that you are being a pushover. the kids are playing you.

set boundaries and lower the boom if they cross them. they will catch on fast.

that's my guess anyway.

kimbiie 09/22/2010

I'm with faithful. be stern. Remember that you are not their "friend". If you need to take a time out - take it so that you won't beat them half to death. Disciplining them will take lots of energy from you. You will have to reinforce, reinforce, reinforce. I wouldn't look to ex for support. Be your own support. We all are trying to raise respectful, productive children - remember your goals for them.

Be strong. It WILL pay off.

((Hugs)) K

deleted_user 09/22/2010

Parenting has always been something my husband and I were good at together...and even now, we are able to be on the same page. We have always practiced what we call "Mean Parenting"....

MEAN what you say, say what you MEAN.

We've never really needed to discipline my daughter much. She's just simply a great kid...a great student. She has a moral compass that ports due north - and she doesn't even need to be reminded to practice her violin or do her homework. She's 11 (going on 35) now, so it's often hard to remember that she's still just a kid.

My husband and I have always been very strict about rules, expectations and consequences. We always try to make the punishment fit the crime, using natural consequences. The key we have always used is one warning, then punishment. I'm not talking spanking...I mean if she left her bike in the driveway, she would lose her bike for a week. If she left her father's video games out of the cases, she lost privileges....but our rule is - she gets one warning.

While you have to be the heavy sometimes, do make sure that you find time to make yourself the hero too....Spend an afternoon at the playground, hike a state park with a picnic lunch. Rent a movie and have a picnic on the living room floor with just you and your sons. Make fun and special times to balance out the times when you have to be the disciplinarian.

You might look into some books or lectures by John Rosemond. He can be a little controversial, but he has some great concepts that have helped me a lot.

Check out www.rosemond.com for his speaking schedule/books/articles. His lectures really hit home with me.

deleted_user 09/22/2010

L....I'm so sorry that you're boys are acting out. It's just so hard when they are at that age. It's such a fine line between are they struggling with the divorce or are they merely acting their age. Maybe a little bit of both. As long as their Dad isn't underminding your authority who cares if he helps is my thought. It sounds like you're trying to discipline them which is good.

How are they at daycare? Do they have any issues there?

deleted_user 09/22/2010

Just wrote you a huge email via message re: my experience.

deleted_user 09/22/2010

Hi,
I'm so sorry you're going through this with your children. I can't offer much but support. I didn't have to deal with my kids durring a divorce at their age. I think maybe you sould go to counciling. You're ex won't lift a finger to help. That is so sad. I hope he at least pays attention to them. I believe they need both parents but they can make it with just one. I hope you figure this out. You seem to be a very loving mother and I just wish you good luck and I'm praying for you.
Hugs,
John

llmt 09/22/2010

FD...just so you know the 3 yr old is horrible at daycare. That's where all the problems progress and they can only redirect not do timeout. I need this daycare bc of the hours and proximity to my house so I can get to work on time. He is going to get kicked out I see it coming. Al the teachers say both have gone downhill in the last few months to a year. Nate has been in daycare since age 1.

Rman 09/22/2010

We had the same issue with my daughter 7 year old daughter (still do), since she was about 3, or so. Her anger was always directed at her mother, for some reason. She would throw tantrums, hit and say "fuck." Basically she was out of control at times. She goes to counseling and this seems to be helping. Some kids just act out when they are frustrated. Have you seen a doctor to rule out whether or not there is the possibility of ADHD?

lycesq 09/22/2010

Please remember that even very young children can benefit from therapy. Obviously, your children have some real issues and a therapist can help sort them out. Through play therapy, a good therapist can often find out the underlying cause and help you

Big hugs, I know it's tough - I had the same issues with my son.

Lynne

llmt 09/22/2010

My older has ADHD but the problem is the older is constantly picking on bothering the younger...he says he wishes the younger was never born constantly looking for my attention. Problem is I need to work full time and don't get home until late. It's a catch 22 for me. I can take the anger directed to me if I have to be the mean parent if I have to, anything to help them. For instance throwing a chair, biting another kid, and screaming when reprimanded is not acceptable to me and I won't take it.

deleted_user 09/22/2010

I would say that one act of discipline takes at least ten acts of letting them know how much you love them and care for them...pick your moments when they are not acting up and pay as much f-ing attention to them as you possibly can muster. Be kind and loving to them at every opportunity, challenge youself. i hope this helps...

lycesq 09/22/2010

With my son, I tried video restiction for misbehavior and it worked - no TV, computer or games. He could read and that was it. It worked.

Lynne

Rman 09/22/2010

Just be patient. I know how bad it sucks and you feel as though nobody really knows just how out of control your child is acting. But I do...so do many other parents. Go to the public library and check out a bunch of books about parenting, discipline kids with behavior issues, etc...that's what I did. If possible, see about counseling, or a local group for parents. Also, just be patient. My daughter HAS gotten better at controlling herself, as she is aging. Sure there still issues, but not nearly as bad as they were...Just keep being a good parent. It's too bad that their father won't take a more active role in this discipline, but it is what it is. Good luck, as it's gonna be tough...but you can do it.

deleted_user 09/22/2010

In my house...taking away my daughter's books IS punishment...and I'm serious about that! lol.

She loves to read more than anything else. She will curl up in a good book for hours (days, if we let her) at a time. The summer after 2nd grade, she finished the first four Harry Potter books. The summer after 3rd grade, she read the entire Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

deleted_user 09/22/2010

L...I'm not an expert by any means, but my thoughts are its more the divorce than their age based on what day care is saying. They're around your boys a lot so they see things that you may not. And the fact that they've said they've gone downhill...is telling. They're going through some tough times....seeing what's happening to Mom and Dad and than your stbx intoducing the OW, etc. it just doesn't help them by any means.

I think I agree with your thoughts that they may need counseling. It's hard....I mean they're so young to introduce them to counseling at such a young age....at least the thought for me is hard. I know my therapist is also a child therapist and we've talked about it. And it's reassuring to hear how they go about the counseling sessions. It's more of a playdate kind of thing which allows them to talk about their emotions and at that young of an age its hard for them to verbalize their feelings properly. I haven't decided as of yet....but I haven't ruled it out.

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