Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I have been married to my Alcoholic Husband (AH) for three years now, and with him for a total of six years. I am 33 years old and we do not have children. Two months ago I filed for divorce. My AH did not seek treatment for his alcoholism until four months ago, after I had endured a significant amount of emotional/mental abuse and even a few instances of physical abuse. He has been in an outpatient program since the beginning of February. He has an individual meeting with a counselor every other week, and a group meeting/class every week. Even though he made the choice to get help, I was still angry with him about his prior behavior. The incident that was the straw that broke the camel's back was this past Super Bowl weekend. That Saturday night he went to a friend's house and drank an entire bottle of rum on his own. After I called him and knew he was drunk, I went to the friend's house to pick him up because I did not want him driving home. When I got to his friend's house we got into a fight and he was beyond mad at me the next day because I was an "embarrassment." He would not speak to me for a week, except for telling me how horrible I am and that he wanted a divorce (he often used the word "divorce" as a weapon even though he didn't mean it). One week later, after my mother came in from out of town because I was so distraught, my AH admitted he had a problem and sought help. However, the damage had been done at that point and I wanted out. I had heard the promises of change before and did not want to be let down yet again. I convinced my AH to move out while we "temporarily separated" but was secretly meeting with an attorney to file for divorce. The papers were filed on April 17th and my husband was devastated when he was served. I started seeing someone else who was wonderful. He was kind, attentive, and supportive of me during this entire ordeal. However, about a month ago, I started having second thoughts and was regretting not giving my AH's sobriety a chance. I reached out to my AH and we have been talking ever since then. He has not moved back in with me, and I refuse to allow him to do that right now. I am just unsure of what to do right now. I still love my AH but I am afraid that if I allow him back into my life the past will repeat itself. He has been sober for 4 months now, but is this a permanent change? I attended my first Al Anon meeting last night, hoping that if I talk to others who have been in my shoes it will provide some guidance. I ended my romantic relationship with the man I was seeing after I filed for divorce, but we do talk occasionally. I want to make the best decisions for myself and my well-being, but I am not sure what those decisions are and it tears me apart every single day. I don't want to miss out on the happy, sober marriage that I always wanted with my AH, but will I ever be able to relax and trust that this change is for real and will last a lifetime? Any advice is so appreciated... thank you.
When I decided to get divorced, I remember something a friend/coworker of mine said. She said (and, mind you, she had been married for about 21 yrs), "You know, some people choose to stay in the comfort of misery because they are afraid of the Unknown."
I didn't want to stay married because it's all I knew, when what I knew for sure was, my current state at the time, was miserable. Unhappy. Tedious. Did I know what was in store for me? Nope. But, all I could draw on was my marriage, at the time, and...at the time...it was SHIT.
So, what you know is what you have. The more years that go by, waiting for the part you are "missing out on" could be a looong time from now.
I felt sadness when I decided, and I was sad the day it was official. Not because of losing him, but just knowing this "era" had ended.
It's up to you. Anyone, like me, can tell you how I did it, but your marriage, your H, and your circumstances are unique to you.
Either way, good luck and many hugs!
Well, it really sounds like you're trying to take this slowly and make sure you're making the best decision about the future of your marriage. And I think it's great you've started going to An-Anon. It can make a huge difference just hearing input from others who are in your shoes.
As far as whether to give your husband a second chance, have you ever considered asking him if he'd be willing to do some marital counseling with you? I know he's been getting treatment on his own, but I think it could help the two of you to sit down and get your issues out on the table. And a therapist also might help you determine how serious your husband is about staying sober.
So, just something to consider. In the meantime, I'll be praying that you'll know what steps to take next!
I know every experience is different so you have to go with what feels right to you. I do feel that people deserve a chance to change, so if you want to give it to him, be patient and prepare yourself for a bumpy ride. Recovery isn't going to be easy for him or for you. I wish you all the best of luck. :)
No his personality did not change when he quit drinking and dropping acid and all those things he did years ago. He is still an addict, which is my point. His addictions have just changed. My ex has an extreme need for attention, and that is his true addiction. And he is the most narcisstic person I know. I feel like I am married to the 19 year old he was. We are in our 50's. :)
Not sure I am the best person to be giving advice right now, but here is my 2 cents. Keep your boundaries up with him. I would not let him back into the house. Limit the contact to what you need and want. Don't let him manipulate you. I know that is easier said than done.
Hugs,
Amy