Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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At a crossroads

aral2003
aral2003
I have been married to my Alcoholic Husband (AH) for three years now, and with him for a total of six years. I am 33 years old and we do not have children. Two months ago I filed for divorce. My AH did not seek treatment for his alcoholism until four months ago, after I had endured a significant amount of emotional/mental abuse and even a few instances of physical abuse. He has been in an outpatient program since the beginning of February. He has an individual meeting with a counselor every other week, and a group meeting/class every week. Even though he made the choice to get help, I was still angry with him about his prior behavior. The incident that was the straw that broke the camel's back was this past Super Bowl weekend. That Saturday night he went to a friend's house and drank an entire bottle of rum on his own. After I called him and knew he was drunk, I went to the friend's house to pick him up because I did not want him driving home. When I got to his friend's house we got into a fight and he was beyond mad at me the next day because I was an "embarrassment." He would not speak to me for a week, except for telling me how horrible I am and that he wanted a divorce (he often used the word "divorce" as a weapon even though he didn't mean it). One week later, after my mother came in from out of town because I was so distraught, my AH admitted he had a problem and sought help. However, the damage had been done at that point and I wanted out. I had heard the promises of change before and did not want to be let down yet again. I convinced my AH to move out while we "temporarily separated" but was secretly meeting with an attorney to file for divorce. The papers were filed on April 17th and my husband was devastated when he was served. I started seeing someone else who was wonderful. He was kind, attentive, and supportive of me during this entire ordeal. However, about a month ago, I started having second thoughts and was regretting not giving my AH's sobriety a chance. I reached out to my AH and we have been talking ever since then. He has not moved back in with me, and I refuse to allow him to do that right now. I am just unsure of what to do right now. I still love my AH but I am afraid that if I allow him back into my life the past will repeat itself. He has been sober for 4 months now, but is this a permanent change? I attended my first Al Anon meeting last night, hoping that if I talk to others who have been in my shoes it will provide some guidance. I ended my romantic relationship with the man I was seeing after I filed for divorce, but we do talk occasionally. I want to make the best decisions for myself and my well-being, but I am not sure what those decisions are and it tears me apart every single day. I don't want to miss out on the happy, sober marriage that I always wanted with my AH, but will I ever be able to relax and trust that this change is for real and will last a lifetime? Any advice is so appreciated... thank you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I've not had experience with an alcoholic, but you said you don't want to miss out "on a sober marriage"....something you haven't had YET, but what you have had is pain, humiliation, abuse.

When I decided to get divorced, I remember something a friend/coworker of mine said. She said (and, mind you, she had been married for about 21 yrs), "You know, some people choose to stay in the comfort of misery because they are afraid of the Unknown."

I didn't want to stay married because it's all I knew, when what I knew for sure was, my current state at the time, was miserable. Unhappy. Tedious. Did I know what was in store for me? Nope. But, all I could draw on was my marriage, at the time, and...at the time...it was SHIT.

So, what you know is what you have. The more years that go by, waiting for the part you are "missing out on" could be a looong time from now.
aral2003
aral2003
I agree that it is the fear of the unknown that scares me. Plus, right now, he is being very sweet and attentive, and he is still actively involved in his treatment for alcoholism. My concern is whether or not this is temporary or a real change. I also will feel so incredibly guilty about hurting him if I decide to take the route to definitely end this. Part of me wishes I could be like, screw his feelings!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Unfortunately, there is no 'How to decide to Divorce" manual...I know, I made a comment to my Dad that this was the ONE time I wish I had the Instructions.

I felt sadness when I decided, and I was sad the day it was official. Not because of losing him, but just knowing this "era" had ended.

It's up to you. Anyone, like me, can tell you how I did it, but your marriage, your H, and your circumstances are unique to you.

Either way, good luck and many hugs!
aral2003
aral2003
Thank you. I wish there was a manual too.
AmyM2014
AmyM2014
My stbx has been "sober" for over 20 years, in that he gave up drugs and booze. He then replaced that with running 50 mile marathons, regular marathons and other athletic feats. (Much healthier but it beat up his body). When that became too much he turned to music and let me tell you that is all that matters to him. He is obsessed with playing it and collecting it. That is, in part, what has wrecked our marriage. Over the years I have become friends with his AA/Program friends and they call him a dry drunk who is not living the program. Just because a person gives up one habit does not mean they have changed...but I send good wishes to anyone to dealing with that.
aral2003
aral2003
AmyM - did his personality improve after getting sober? My fear is that my AH's issue is more than just alcoholism. I am afraid he just has a controlling, manipulative personality.
gardensparrow
gardensparrow
Hi friend~

Well, it really sounds like you're trying to take this slowly and make sure you're making the best decision about the future of your marriage. And I think it's great you've started going to An-Anon. It can make a huge difference just hearing input from others who are in your shoes.

As far as whether to give your husband a second chance, have you ever considered asking him if he'd be willing to do some marital counseling with you? I know he's been getting treatment on his own, but I think it could help the two of you to sit down and get your issues out on the table. And a therapist also might help you determine how serious your husband is about staying sober.

So, just something to consider. In the meantime, I'll be praying that you'll know what steps to take next!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi aral. I'm sorry for your ordeal. I can empathize with you since I went through the same thing, except my ex and I have a child together. My ex husband is an alcoholic and he drank from the start of our relationship. From my experience, I'd say 4 months sober isn't enough time to gauge if he's committed to his sobriety or not. Part of those months was going through withdrawal. My ex did stop drinking for 5 years while we were married but it was because his probation required him to. Once his probation was over, he started drinking again but before he started drinking again I saw his true colors and that his alcohol problem wasn't the cause of our problems. So when he started drinking again, I prepared myself to leave him. Two years since our divorce, I'm happier than I ever was in the 12 years we were together. I supported him when he was recovering because I truly felt he was trying to change, but during his sober years I realized that his issues were deeper than just being an alcoholic. In my experience, he used alcohol to numb the pain instead of combatting the issues that caused him to abuse alcohol. I'm not a therapist or an expert on addiction, but both of my parents as well as my ex were alcoholics and they all had emotional and mental problems so I believe their alcohol addiction isn't really the problem; they are. Had they all received some therapy for their issues before turning to alcohol, I believe they may have not abused it. My mother gave up alcohol and became a fanatical Christian. She was just as horrible as an alcoholic as she was a Christian. My father never gave up drinking, he actually drank himself to death last November. My ex doesn't drink as much as he used to when we were together and he is receiving some therapy for his issues. However, more than two years later, my ex still periodically gives me grief for leaving him and I can tell that if I had waited all this time for him to change, I would have waited in vain.
I know every experience is different so you have to go with what feels right to you. I do feel that people deserve a chance to change, so if you want to give it to him, be patient and prepare yourself for a bumpy ride. Recovery isn't going to be easy for him or for you. I wish you all the best of luck. :)
aral2003
aral2003
Thank you all for your advice. My AH and I have spent time together over the past few weeks but are still living apart. However, I feel as thought my AH is anxious to get back into our house where I am currently living alone. I am scared that once he moves back in he will no longer be on his best behavior. Last night he texted me and said that I am his best friend and that he wants to spend every waking second with me. I dont know if he is sincere, or just pulling out all the stops in order to win me back. Part of it feels like manipulation and that he is trying to guilt me into taking him back. I also feel that a large reason why I have not cut him off if because I don't want him to be hurt... so I am putting his feelings above mine. I feel so detached and guarded...
AmyM2014
AmyM2014
Aral,
No his personality did not change when he quit drinking and dropping acid and all those things he did years ago. He is still an addict, which is my point. His addictions have just changed. My ex has an extreme need for attention, and that is his true addiction. And he is the most narcisstic person I know. I feel like I am married to the 19 year old he was. We are in our 50's. :)

Not sure I am the best person to be giving advice right now, but here is my 2 cents. Keep your boundaries up with him. I would not let him back into the house. Limit the contact to what you need and want. Don't let him manipulate you. I know that is easier said than done.
Hugs,
Amy
aral2003
aral2003
Amy - It is interesting that you brought up your ex's extreme need for attention bc I feel like my husband is now very needy. He claims that I do not show him enough affection now, which he never wanted before. Yesterday I brought the topic of kids up and told him that I am not sure if I will ever want to have children. He said that he sometimes thinks he would and that bc he is 37 he would want to have one within the next year so that he doesnt have a 20 year old when he is 60. I told him there was no way I would feel ready to have a child with him within the next year. His response was that it would be never then. Glad he decided to make that decision on his own. Just one more example of him being in control...
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