Breakups & Divorce Support Group
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Not sure how to word this, but this past evening at work a discussion, which elevated into an argument, was brought up concerning workplace hours and schedules having an adverse affect on marriages.
I work in a production facility, with about 750 employees, from temporary, full time, maintenance, custodial and clerical fields. Of the 750 or so, and over the past 15yrs that I have been there, and the 20+ years prior to my hiring, the divorce rate is extremely high.
I have read some reports suggesting that shift work is strong contributor to divorce. The aforementioned argument Does shift work make the marriage harder to maintain or is that assumption purely bunk, and if a marriage fails it would have regardless of the hours worked,shifts etc.
Looking for feedback..... do you think your job had adverse affects on your marriage, If shift work was the norm, do you think a more stable work week would have helped or maybe even saved the relationship.
Seems we all need to work in order to survive, just seems like some of the shifts, well lets say, the reward is no way near the loss of a relationship JMO
I work in a production facility, with about 750 employees, from temporary, full time, maintenance, custodial and clerical fields. Of the 750 or so, and over the past 15yrs that I have been there, and the 20+ years prior to my hiring, the divorce rate is extremely high.
I have read some reports suggesting that shift work is strong contributor to divorce. The aforementioned argument Does shift work make the marriage harder to maintain or is that assumption purely bunk, and if a marriage fails it would have regardless of the hours worked,shifts etc.
Looking for feedback..... do you think your job had adverse affects on your marriage, If shift work was the norm, do you think a more stable work week would have helped or maybe even saved the relationship.
Seems we all need to work in order to survive, just seems like some of the shifts, well lets say, the reward is no way near the loss of a relationship JMO
In my field off hours is a given... and pretty much 99% can be done from home. But he resents the time away from "us". Probably the biggest conflict we have but we're still together.... going on 18 months.
It took 7 years to find him....actually he found me. So there's hope out there... wishing you hope and blessings.....
work environment plays a huge role in a person's overall health and can be a major factor in the demise of relationships.
when i grew up in the 60's, i saw that many American men worked in factories.
Lots of these men smoked, drank, were irritable with their wives, neglected their children, and chased women. They did not have satisfying personal lives. That's largely because these men were "craftsman personalities." You can't put a craftsman into a demeaning industrial setting and expect him or her to thrive. This was especially true of southern men.
We have to be very careful about where we work, when we work, what we do, and who we surround ourselves with. As humans, there are many subtle influences on us daily and many of them are negative. Negative influences take a lot of energy to keep at bay. And, the consistent energy spent in a bad environment, can ruin a person's health and relationships.
I worked for years in occupational health and saw firsthand how ruthless employers can be. We have to know our limits and put ourselves into jobs that do not make us feel like slaves.
My husband just stepped down from a higher paying sales position, with fewer hours, to go back to driving a truck, which involves longer hours and a slight decrease in pay. Sounds stupid right? But, he did it to save our family. Even though he had what seemed to be cushy hours in sales (he was home by 3:00 every afternoon) his stress level was so high, that it was causing a lot of hurt in our family life.
He might be there in body, but mentally and emotionally he was not. He came home and sat in his recliner, turned on the tv and tuned all of us out, myself and the kids included. And when he did interact with us, he was short tempered and just not his normal loving husband/father self.
It came to a point where he had almost zero involvement with the kids or I. We would be "together" in the house every night, but sometimes we literally didn't speak to each other all week long, until the weekend when he was a little more relaxed. I thought he was either seeing someone else, or just didn't love me anymore, because there was no intimacy...and I'm not just talking sexual, i mean all around. He was just so distant.
But he just literally could not handle the stress of his job. By the time he came home, he was so mentally drained that he had nothing left for us. It finally came to an ugly head, and he made the decision to do what he thought was best to save his family...he gave up his "gravy" job and went back to manual labor with longer hours.
Even though he's tired and works more, we are so much happier now. He is back to his normal self, and I don't want to kick him in knee anymore. lol =)
I know that often times, the person in the thick of the problem, can't see it. It takes the one who is outside of it to spot it, not take it personally, and find a way to reach that spouse.
I wanna talk about his one!
I do not believe, that if the love is there, that the work, regardless of hours, shifts, jobs affect it like some like to blame.
Just like everyone in the military blames their failed relationships on the military. Im sorry, I don't buy it.
When become a partnership with someone you take what they are, what they do, and everything else. I DESPISE people who sit at home and b*tch that their life is falling apart because their spouse is deployed. Sure, you miss then and want them back but facts are there in the relationship. Now if someone is unfaithful, etc, THAT has nothing to do with the job, it's that persons decision to stray from the relationship.
I know tons of people who live happy healthy marriages that work the night shifts. It is a lifestyle and it does work. You can't blame the job, you have to blame you own willingness to accept that person for what they do.
Just as my STBX has used his job for excuses for the last 7 years of our marriage. After all it IS the 2nd most dangerous job in the world. His constant inujuries, exhaustion from various things, his lack of desire to live and have a life outside of work. He daily would say it was the job.
Yet I see 25,000 other people that work where he works, DOING the job HE DOES and they have lives. THey aren't always sick. They are just as old or older than he is. They don't sleep their life away when they aren't working.
I think that career definately molds a person but I just have a hard time believing that anyones' job kills a relationship. I think the choices that person makes in his/her life regarding that job is what makes the relationship.
Ok, Im sorry! *stepping off soapbox*
Or maybe Im in denial because Im sick of hearing about that specific issue. Does any of that make sense?
I think if you go into it with the idea that it's for LIFE...then it will be. And you'll make it work...with or without counseling....just because.
I've always been a bit of a tomboy, so I don't really get "dolled up" persay. I'm comfortable in a tshirt and jeans, and my hair in a ponytail. Well...as he started fading further and further away, where I felt that he wasn't attracted to me anymore, some of my friends suggested that maybe if I put a bit of effort into my appearance, he would notice. So I changed my clothes, got my hair styled, actually took a class on how to do my makeup...complete makeover. It didn't catch his eye, in fact he never even noticed the changes, but it made me feel good, so I just kept on dressing pretty every day. I was getting compliments left and right, huge self esteem booster...even though the one person I wanted to compliment me, didn't.
And, I kept telling him, every day that my car was making a weird noise, and I was concerned about it. He ignored this, and never looked at my car.
And, our son kept getting bad notes sent home from school about missing homework assignments. My husband has always done the homework with him, because he gets home earlier than I do. By the time I get home from where, there is just enough time for me to cook dinner, and spend a little time with the boy before he's off to bed. Since husband gets home at 3, homework has always been his deal. I had no idea homework wasn't getting done until the teacher called me. =(
so...fast forward a couple of weeks....the noise in my car was the serpentine (spelling) belt getting worn out. It broke on my way home one night, and left me stranded on the side of the road. It took husband 3 hours to get there to help me, and he brought his brother with him to help fix the car.
When his brother (mechanic) got out of the truck, he looked at me an said "wow L, you look gorgeous today, we've all noticed how much effort you've been putting into your appearance, and you look great!" then he went to look at the car and saw that it was the belt...he told H that there is no way the belt just broke, it must've been going out for weeks, and had he looked at it when i told him about the noise it was making, they could've changed it and i wouldn't have been stranded on the side of the road alone for hours.
So H got totally slapped in the face, with realizing that A) he never even noticed or told me that I look nice. and B) it was entirely his fault that my car broke down. And this was the same day that we got the call from the school about our son.
it was a major rude awakening for him, that he was not fulfilling his duties at home, at all!!!
I know some of you may read this and assume that I was just whining about the responsiblity I created, and that may be a valid opinion, but a healthy mix of work time, family time, marriage time, and personal time is important to me ( will go out on a limb and say most men on this) and I felt that she was not being receptive to my feelings about it, nor did she wish to try and come to common ground, what she wanted to do for a living took priority, my feelings didn't matter on it.
So, instead of attacking him personally, the two of you got your heads together to see what the real problem was - his mismatched job. Fix the job and he will have more energy. With more energy, his relationships will improve.
Good for you two that you isolated and solved the problem.
@Whiskey: I hope that your ex has changed careers. It sounds like he really needed to.
I think LD's H figured it out. Sometimes things happen. He knew what he wanted and needed and made the decision to maintain what he had at home. I commend him.
We are doing great, now that he's back to doing what he enjoys. =)