Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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LostNFound3 08/02/2015

So, my Ex got back from vacationing at my former timeshare in NH, and she brought her 2 1/2 month new guy with her and slept with him - displacing my 11 yo son who usually sleeps on the sofa in the bedroom with her on vacation, and her was scared, etc. I posted about that. Seems little I can do except keep my mouth shut and be here for my son.

So, I go to drop him off tonight, and the house is empty - no one home. I text my Ex that I am dropping him off and no one is home. Her car is gone and I suspect she is out riding with her new guy, though I didn't look to see if her bike was there - not trying or wanting to snoop. I get no response.

My son says to me "It's fine dad. Mom leaves me home alone all the time. It only scares me if it is dark out. I have my computer, my xbox and my phone. Go ahead and go.

So, I text my Ex, I'm leaving now. I hope he can get ahold of you in an emergency. I lock all the doors and tell my son not to answer the door for anyone, and to call me or text me immediately if he needs me for anything.

I'm very uncomfortable about this. On the other hand, hanging out in her house waiting who knows how long for her to come home didn't seem like the right thing to do either. Now, in hindsight, I think I should have taken my son with me and left and asked her to text when she got home. I guess I wasn't thinking clearly.

Anyway, my question for the group is whether it is okay for her to leave my son alone at 11 1/2? I suspect I know why, but I guess that doesn't matter. The issue is if it is okay or not regardless of the reason.

MyTrueColors 08/02/2015

Even in this day of electronic communication, I think 11 is too young be be left home alone, ESPECIALLY when his own mother isn't answering her phone and you & he don't know where she is. In some states that could be grounds for child neglect, especially when she does it all the time.

Of course, that's JMHO.

I'm so sorry you and your son have to go thru this.

mynewnormal 08/02/2015

google your state and the laws about kids home alone.. see if you have some legal grounds to back up your thoughts.. in my state it 'depends on the maturity of the child' but age 10 is the age listed..

I would have probably just taken him with me and left.. but in the moment I agree, its hard to think clearly, you did the right thing making sure he was safe, and you were only a phone call away :)

but it definately should be a conversation you have with your ex.. if this is new since you two split, I think its a coparenting conversation.. if for no other reason to discuss drop offs like that, and what are your/her expectations..

but I'd google the law in your state first.. so if you do have the legal rights on your side.. its less emotional conflict in the conversation, and more legality..

broken234 08/02/2015

I know the state I live in doesn't necessarily have a specific age but I think 11 is a bit young. Usually if there isn't a spelled out age in your state, it doesn't mean that a parent can't get into trouble when leaving the child alone. I usually default to the age that someone can babysit which is 13yrs old in most states. Is your son very mature for his age. I wouldn't see a problem with it if it was an hour here or there, but for an extended period of time when she wasn't answering her phone might be too much. sorry you have to go through this. Even with all the crap my stbx put me through, he still discusses with me if he ever wants to leave my daughter alone and for how long. That is kind of a crappy way to find out that she leaves him alone. Here is an extreme example. My husbands OW would leave her son home alone all night, over night so she could spend it with my stbx. So horrible for that child. But maybe gives you some perspective.

LostNFound3 08/02/2015

Thanks all. So she just called and said she was driving and was 20 minutes from home. She said she got a call that a friend was in the hospital and had to go there and had her phone off. Yeah. Right. Whatever. Next time he comes back to my place with me if no one is there.

11Christmases 08/02/2015

I agree with googling what your state laws/guidelines are. I also think it depends on the maturity of the kid. I started leaving my son alone for a few hours at age 11. He had demonstrated maturity, even more so than the 21-year-old nanny whom I had paid to watch him and my daughter one summer. I got so fed up with her, that one week I told her to take off, and sent my daughter to day camp and my son to a half day music camp, and then he was home alone for the other half of the day. I don't see a problem with trying it for a few hours here and there at this age, since they still listen to parents at 11 and once they are 13, don't want to listen to you anymore, and have aged out of day camp, hopefully they'll have some common sense from their experience.

mynewnormal 08/02/2015

exactly.. 'yeah right whatever'.. excuses unwanted, and not believed.. I agree with your decision, next time, he goes home with you :)

strongandsilent 08/02/2015

Definitely agree it is a co-parenting question that you will have to discuss together. More troubling is why. She didn't bother to let you know she wouldn't be home. Agree with others that, if there is a next time, best bet is to take him. Completely get how hard it is to think of solutions in the moment.

Every location will have its own laws and, more importantly, evry kid has a different level of maturity. For what it is worth, in my circle it is common to leave 10 year olds alone for short periods of time (30 minutes. - hr) in the day time. By 11, they are alone for longer periods, and (possibly), short spells with siblings. By 12 are babysitting siblings and 13 babysitting other children. In this way the child learns responsibility over time - first for themself than for others. Can't expect a 13 yo to babysit if they haven't spent time on their own.

This is common (and legal) where I am. I can see from the posts that it might seem young for some folks here.

Just goes to show there is a range,

But, before leaving a child, they need to know the safety rules, they need to know when they can expect an adult, and they need a way of getting ahold of an adult. And you and your ex definitely should be on the same page.

refurb 08/02/2015

"It only scares me if it is dark out. "

11 is too young

you've got to proceed in a way that does not shut him down,
by that i mean his mother will put heat on him to keep his mouth shut, so you don't want to hang him out there

call to speak to his mother about any old made up bullshit, catch her leaving him alone, then go all state law

- don't hang him out or mother will "teach" as in brow beat him not talk to you

goodprovider 08/03/2015

If you can't find the guidelines for your state, check the county website. In my are its the count who sets guidelines (& county social services is who you call to report an unattended child issue).

In my county they can be left along (&tabby sit) at 11 - but there's a stipulation that they must know what time you're returning and no overnights alone.

patti22 08/03/2015

Depends.

I have two kids and they've been left home alone since they were 10 and 12 somewhat regularly.

But then my kids are different. Before they'd officially been left alone, they'd gotten used to me sleeping days (as I worked nights). So they were used to answering the door, answering the phone (my daughter will ask who's calling, and if they don't answer she hangs up, if they call back, she says "hang on" puts the phone down and walks away..), putting food in the oven, and so on. They also know how to deal with minor disasters like broken glass, minor burns, water issues and etc.

For years the rule was "only wake mom up, if the room she's IN is on fire".

They know how to get help from the neighbors (we've lived here 10 years), if needed, who's home, who's not and so on. Two kids (that cooperate) are much different than one.

Like everything else in life, being alone is a skill, and one that can be taught/ learned.

I agree with googling state laws, because some states have minimums.

Your son's comfort is a good thing. I personally, think that kids should be left alone from time to time. My son is 15 now, and he's got friends that can't stand to be alone at that age. It's sad to me. He's now the one the other kids often turn to.

But again...it depends.

Gavin de Becker on Child Safety:

http://gavindebecker.com/resources/child_safety/walking_to_school_alone/

http://life.familyeducation.com/safety/home-alone/36362.html

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