I didn't. But if I'd have started earlier (& known how to navigate my STBX's manipulative behaviors), then I might have been successful. Toward then end (but too late)...I found the book
The Seven Principles for Making your Marriage Work by John Gottman, PhD.

He's a researcher who is famous for being able to predict whether a couple will divorce based on watching them interact (he looks for what he calls 'the 7 horsemen'). He used these findings to create a roadmap for building a strong relationship and avoiding getting to the brink.

Its a good book and can be used as a 'workbook' for a couple to do together. He also runs workshops (but I think those are in the Seattle area and I couldn't get my spouse to commit to that).

I'd also recommend the book Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. It's the best 'intro to human relationships & psychology book I've ever come across and it's directed at a 'layperson' audience rather than psychologists.

Good luck to you and your wife.

I'm sorry for you pain.

When someone decides they don't want to be married, there's not a whole lot you can do about it.

I don't know your whole story, but I suggest you get counseling with a qualified licensed therapist to process your grief and come to a place of acceptance, especially around the things you cannot change. And you cannot change another person.

Actually, the more you resist and try to hold on to her and the marriage, the more she will pull away.

It's time to take care of yourself and make sure you are there for your children.

~healing hugs~

Well this is a support group for divorce, you're not likely to hear success stories on here.

In real life, I've known a few to do it. Things changed significantly in the lives of one couple (kids grew up and out). Another couple sucked it up and pulled it together. But with that one, the one that wanted to end the relationship, was the one that changed their mind.

I've known a couple others that got back together years after the divorce. But it was years later, not months. The ones that went back and forth, back and forth, were train wrecks.

My best advice is to see if she'll do counseling. If she says no, then at 4 months out, you really need to start moving on. (I cried and was a total mess for about two months too, so you're totally normal there!)

I've never stopped "loving" my ex. It's just been a very, very long time since I've been "in love" with him. He's now more like a distant friend. Sometimes love really does mean, letting someone go...

dude, i have read your lengthy post with 300 replies

you have filled God's in box with prayers for her to come back

i am sorry

My friend did. Although, I didn't think he should have.

In my opinion, she either loves you or she doesn't. There's no....kind of....

Anyway, I told him to forget about his ex-wife and move on and if she comes crawling back, then fine. Otherwise, forget it.

3 months go by and she came crawling back and I told him... not so fast. I told him, just date and see where it takes him. I told him.... you don't want to put yourself right back in to that same situation.

So, maybe you need to forget about your ex-wife and leave her alone for a while. If she misses you, she'll come crawling back.

Like others, I kind of think the one leaving has to want to commit to change. If they are (mentally) out the door, you are done. Marriage is hard. Both sides have to at least WANT it to work to have a chance.

My ex had an affair. At various points since we separated, if ii had completely embraced him coming back, or "fought" for him, I might have been successful... at least for a while. But, here's the thing, despite how much I missed him, despite my intense grief for our dreams for the future being crushed, and the pain to our children, I knew I needed him to come to me and change - not the other way around. He revealed things about his character that I cannot respect. So, given i've been devastated already, I can't imagine taking him back unless he had already made those substantive changes. I think and on-again and off-again relationship has got to be the most terrible experience in the world for alll concerned.

So, despite my grief, we will not be getting back together...

Yeah. My situation isn't ideal for recovery. Although at this moment it's all I want. I know deep down its not likely. I am admittedly finding it impossible to let go. I am in love with her and for me it's a tough pill to swallow. I'm trying my best. I've heard of marriages being saved from far worse but I suspect those are rare. Nothing will change unless she wants it to. Right now she doesn't even want to try.

ESL I have been exactly where you are. You answered your questions in the last line of your last post. That's your mind speaking. Your heart is telling you to stay. I know how you feel. I'm about 4 months into the process and still have times I want her back. However, my mind knows it's over and I have to work on accepting that. I believe that's what you need to do now. I've had several counselors tell me that when a woman decides she is done, she is done. It's a long process for them and once the reach that point they rarely change their mind. For your health, it's probably best you start to move on. You like me have your children's welfare to consider now. My wife sounds exactly like yours, so now I have to be the parent. It still doesn't make this any easier. It's going to be hard. It's going to take a lot of time to heal. But you will. I will. In the end, it's your decision if you want to keep trying. Do you want to invest that time in her or into yourself. This sucks but people here are here to help you. Message me if you want to just vent or have questions you don't want to post on the open forum. Best of luck man!

First of all I don't think you will find anyone here that successfully repaired their marriage...since this is a separation and divorce group. Anyone that fits that criteria has moved on and likely no longer posts here.

Secondly, when my ex left me (now going on two years), not for a second did I wish we could work it out. I believe I deserve to be with someone that doesn't turn their love for me on and off like a light switch. Also I didn't want to spend every day waking up wondering if this was the day they would walk out on our marriage again. I didn't want to change into what I thought they wanted. I didn't want to constantly walk on egg shells.

Even if she did come back do you think it would be the same? Do you think you wouldn't always wonder when the day would come that she walks out again? Would it be because she found someone else...once she saved up enough money....once the children were grown??

I hope you find the strength to move on soon!

Hello ,. My two cents worth.
What "ALD13072" at the end of her reply is something that I and many others here have said :
Even if she came back......it would never be the same. You would always have that thought ....will she leave again....does she really love me. Everytime she went out, you would be wondering. I guess there are times when people get back together , so its not impossible, but
( sorry)....highly unlikely.
When my x ran off to meet an old boyfriend, that was kind of the end for me. I could never look at her the same way thinking she was with someone else.
I wish you peace my friend.
God be with you !
Timeman

I cant say that I am successful but I havent given up. My wife separated from me. I didn't separate from her. We are still under the same roof and there is an opportunity to show her that we could still make it work. I am giving her the space that she needs and its been rough. I think that I would have had a more difficult time if she had moved out. Although she doesn't want to hear it, I still tell her that I love her. We also have a child at home that has actually helped. She said that if we didn't have a child at home, she would have left already. She tells me often not to have false hope but I do have hope that one day we will be together again. I just wont ever stop loving her and she sees that.

Robert. I share your feelings of never stop loving her and no loosing hope although I still feel that way it is fading. There is no real way of knowing what will happen but time and that's what I'm trying to give. However in my situation she seems adamant nobody really understands her. Nobody may ever understand. I wish you better luck then I've had.

I'm sorry for your pain. Just like somebody mentioned before we are all here cause we break up or divorced our significant other so probably not a whole lot of success stories. I tried for a year before realizing that it was over. I did everything I could to try and save my marriage - I don't regret it - cause when I walked away I didn't walk away with "what if's".
We don't know the future or what it holds for us, your story might have a different ending.
Deep inside we always have hope.
Stay strong and good luck!

Sometimes people divorce and remarry at a later time. It all depends but you have to be able to let go in order for it to come back to ya.