Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I am moving forward with my life. I am learning to like me and take care of me. I even enjoy some of my alone time (yes me Ms. I HATE ALONE). I am able to do all of this because of many things and people but one of the things allowing all of this healing and growth is a man friend in my life. I met him on a stupid dating sight OK Cupid. He basically offered himeslf up to me with some stupid cut and paste poem he had written. I declined! The we got into an email battle of wills, morals and brains. Turns out we had a lot in common, even being used and abused by former mates. We enjoy eachother's company mainly because we started seeing eachother with the understanding neither of us needed or wanted to be in love we just didn't like being alone. We decided it was ok to use eachother just to have someone to hang out with. That took the pressure off and freed us to be totally honest and ourselves. This has been going on since August. Now we get togther most every weekend. I was sick this weekend and he came over and took care of me! We care for eachother but I do not believe it will be forever. He has issues I don't want in a mate. He has started letting the "L" word slip when he says goodbye or goodnight. I told him to stop it. He says he will be "my guy" as long as I will let him. I date others and he is free to do the same but more and more we seem to be wanting to spend time together because it is comfortable. I am not sure if I should start to pull away so no one gets hurt or let it take us where ever it goes. I feel like I use him and I tell him that, he says we all use eachother so no worries. I always say,"this is not going to end well"! He just smiles. I don't want to get so used to him that I get hurt if he finds something real and moves on nor do I want to hurt him. I believe if he was the one, I wouldn't want to contiue looking at others but I do (not finding anything better). I think about the 80/20 rule. Often people are say 80% happy with someone (they are perfect but not pretty enough for example)but they leave them for someone who has what the first is lacking, the 20% (let's say someone prettier) only to find out that is all they have so now they have given up the 80% for only 20%. No one is 100% perfect. Am I looking for that 100% and giving up on a good 80% match? Should I be satisfied and stop looking for better? What do you guys think?
Honestly, I too would be afraid that someone would end up hurt and you have both already been there, however, if you prefer to spend time with him, then have you been completely honest with yourself about your feelings for him?
I tell my friends all the time I love them. All the time. Doesn't mean I'm in love with them.
I think you need to take a real hard look at what you're doing. Sounds like a really nice great guy and you're going to put him back for someone else to take because of a few minor set backs or because you're scared. Sometimes you just need to put yourself out there. This could be a happy really happy thing with a great ending.
Doesn't sound like you've crossed all the major deal breakers off the list for yourself with this one yet. Specifically with how he is content to make a living. There's NOTHING wrong with having standards. You obviously hold yourself to high standards in that regard and are a very accomplished woman. It only stands to reason you would expect a partner with similar values. Realistically, if you accept less, then that means in some ways you would have to carry him financially. He's happier with less - that's great. But let's say you want to take a nice long expensive vacation. You can afford it - he can't. So you make up his difference?
I had one of those once... I thought I could do it and it shouldn't matter what he made and I should be shallow in that regard. And it wasn't so much about how much he made, but he never wanted to better himself and it only ended up breeding resentment. He wanted the nice things the lifestyle could offer, but only if I could make it happen (didn't want to put the extra effort forth himself). Now it's one of my deal breakers.
Just keep doing what you are doing. You seem happy about your relationship right now just tell him to slow down if he starts getting to serious. It sounds like he cares for you allot and I'm sure wouldn't want to loose U.
Good luck!
Also, four months is NOT that long to be deciding future plans on.
Although I do have to say, if you have reservations about important things like money and attraction, those are vital to sort through. They are two serious problem makers in relationships. Don't settle in these areas.
Jenna, you hit the nail on the head with the whole lower standards thing. If I wanted to go somwhere nice I would have to help supplement because of his lack of effort.
I don't care how much money someone makes but I do care if I try harder than they do! I want a partner that works as hard at getting ahead as I do or I would feel like I was carrying them and I would resent them.
I have been honest so I guess I shouldn't feel guilt about using him. I think he is right we all use eachother in some way to meet our own needs. He admits to using me as well (although I am in total control of when, what and how far it goes).
I think I would miss him if I quit seeing him, at least until I had someone else to fill those needs in me he now meets. I just think he is more of a plaything than a real love. I guess only time will tell. I don't want either of us to get hurt but I guess that is always a chance you take. Right now, I am glad to have him in my life. I think it is best to just keep him at arm's length. He told me he doesn't feel worthy of me. He may be right, not to toot my own horn but it is due to his lack of effort so I can't feel bad about thinking that way.
If you just want to be with him, and know it's not a long term thing, that's fine, but you don't sound okay with that.
I don't want to overstep but what I gather from what you've written here is that you're feeling like this is off. You use some negative terms, like 'using' and him saying he's not worthy, etc. If you feel good about the relationship, and you're both honest with each other about it's limits, that can be fine. But it sounds like in some ways you're not feeling right about it.
My 2cts; worth about 1/2 of market value.
(((HUGS)))) Best of luck whatever you decide.