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Am I being selfish

Goofytam1974
Goofytam1974

Back story. I have been married for 21 years and have considered leaving since year 2.  Circumstances have kept me but mostly because I have a genuine heart.  My husband has been verbally abusive on and off our entire marriage and earlier this year I realized I had enough.  But, I have been secretly planning when I should leave and he has no idea.  I have been the main supporter throughout our marriage in every way; financially, emotionally, decision maker - literally everything has been left on my shoulders to handle.  So, I have been trying to set myself up financially to make an offer to preserve my retirement  that I have worked my whole life for and also I wanted to stick around to help support the family through the loss of his mother with whom is very ill.  However, it is getting harder to stay.  I find myself not able to sleep, crying all the time, my kids can tell how distant my husband and I have been and I just don't like it.  I am not quite ready to hurt my husband and again he has no idea of my plans as of yet and I truly don't want to hurt him, but am I being selfish?  I have been very loyal and overall I am a good decent human and that's why this is so out of character for me.  I really wish I had someone I could talk to close by, maybe even someone that can relate would be awesome. Just feeling lost and confused. 

duck3986
duck3986
OMG, you just wrote most of how I feel!

I've been married for 23 years and should have left moved on in the first few.

Now I'm afraid to start over at 51, but I'm miserable. The worst part is dealing with the regret I feel in my heart...that I wasted the best years of my life :(

You're not alone.
Goofytam1974
Goofytam1974
Thanks for your response. Exactly how I feel as well. I’m 46. I hate that I wasted so much time but I’m choosing to see it as a lesson. But why am I struggling so much now after I have finally made the decision to leave??
Atpeacemary
Atpeacemary
OMG, Had the same problem. I had to carry the whole load of raising the kids, his parents and even his sister at times. I lasted 23 years and I was 57. Go see a lawyer, financial advisor and a therapist. They can advise you on what steps to take. His has been hurting you for years. You need to start thinking about yourself and your kids. You did not mention if he worked and if he has a pension. In Canada everything is divided almost equally but I got more because his pension was more than mine. hehehe. Cry all you want and be ready for the emotional roller coaster ride of a lifetime. Plus be ready for a good fiction. They will lie to make themselves look like the victim. But do not sign anything without a lawyer present. You will be fine. I am 70 and I am happy as a clam now.
Lavender80
Lavender80
Fear, Guilt, and Obligation. It was what kept you in that relationship.

Can I ask you..Goofytam1974...what do you envision your life being like after you leave your husband. Not the version of all the bad that can happen, but all the good that can happen...that you hope for?
Goofytam1974
Goofytam1974
@Lavender80
At my age, I’m ready to just be free to enjoy life and be happy doing the things that my husband never wanted to enjoy with me. Such as the beach, listening to live music, walking, and I hope to find a new partner some day that I can travel with in my retirement years.
MemphisWH
MemphisWH
Seek out professional help, therapist wise.
It does not matter what you decide, it is going to hurt either way.
If you stay there will be pain, if you leave there will be pain.
The hurt and pain you are feeling is natural. Seek out peer groups, and as many support groups as you can.
Also allow yourself to feel the pain, the hurt and the emotional roller coaster. Focus on yourself and your self love that you deserve.
I pray you are healhty and safe.
urbangardener
urbangardener
I am going to suggest you read Melody Beatty's The New Codependency and do the exercises at the end of each chapter. After reading this book, you will have clarity on your situation. I am hearing what sounds like codependence in your story: the fixing, the giving, the over doing. This is about ourselves. Therapy and CODA groups can help. You are not selfish but I wonder why you phrase this as hurting him. Maybe he is ready to split also. If he is not a true partner in the marriage, if he has allowed himself to be too submissive and self isolates from you, then he has a part in this also. It takes two. Maybe you and him are at the fork in the road of this journey, the end of the marriage as simply our life lesson to learn. Even good decent human beings get a divorce sometimes. Sometimes they get couples counseling and learn to make a new, healthy marriage. Remember that he has feelings and failings also just like you have feelings and failings. Once you have clarity on your own emotional drivers, why you act, react, think, do, then you will know what is probably right for you. Life is a crapshoot sometimes. We make choices and they sometimes turn out to be chaotic on the road to healing.
Lavender80
Lavender80
Goofytam - Those things are wonderful things to hope for. Sending you healing thoughts and energy. Sometimes when we spend so much time taking care of others we neglect ourselves. I think it's just your soul say...enough...it's time for me to get some of my needs and wants met. You have a heart, and care about the people this choice will affect and hurt. However, I think those that love you...will be happier themselves in the long run...when they have a happy and healthy mother.
Goofytam1974
Goofytam1974
@Lavender80 you said it best when you said fear, obligation and guilt has kept me here this long. It's the FOG I've been in for too long. I know it will hurt, but I agree its time for ME, finally! Thank you for your kind words :)
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